27.5.2008

Letter received

I sat in our lounge for the past 2 hours staring into the fire, feeding it time to time, mesmerized by the flames, its warmth, and the familiarity it gives me. As I watched the flames all I could think about was what feeds this fire? What keeps it going so energetically? I could see how I was helping it but the fire I was thinking about was my own inner fire.

We did various tests with swami to find out our elements in the body, our dominance from birth to what we have achieved so far and where we are now. Not surprisingly everything was balanced in my body but the fire was high!

I didn't really need the tests to know that. I remember lying in bed in London and having a surge of energy filling all my cells, mostly carrying love, or moments where all I want to do is skip and jump and sing! I was curious to see where this fire was coming from, what fed it, how I would keep it alive but at the same time controlled.

Can I really save the world? Am I that wonder woman that I feel I am sometimes, am I running around like a headless chicken wanting to give, to sort out others lives, inspire them? And what for…what do I achieve by that? I know that I enjoy seeing love in others' lives, getting them passionate about things, the spark I want to create…But tonight I am questioning all those things and it hurts. It breaks my heart to question my place in life; I feel lost sometimes and perhaps tonight is one of those nights.

Some of this has been triggered by a letter from the boy. Lawrence and I have had an amazing connection between us, however knew the timing of it all was wrong. Swami had suggested that we remain away from each other to clear the energy bubble we are in, to give each other space and respect. We have tried, its been difficult watching each other from distance and what I felt would help was to write letters…"Letters to Lawrence" as I called it.

I went through all sorts of emotions in our time away, my mind created all sorts of scenarios, attachments, fears but watching them was the best practise I could have gained. I always remembered swami's advice "love is about supporting not embracing" and finding out what was lacking in me that caused my attraction to Lawrence. Anyhow, I learnt to let go and watched the love and admiration become pure whereby I didn't really mind where we went from here. I didn't own him; I had no right to interfere on his journey and whatever the reason of our connection was I worked on getting that balance inside me.

All went well, and I decided to give Lawrence my letters. We were both curious to know how we were coping. And I received a letter from him tonight, which I read sitting next to the fire. It was beautifully written, what he felt right now, how his emotions are, what was lacking in his relationship. And now it makes sense why we connected so well, he needed that inner fire, the passion I was radiating. And as much as his letter was addressing me, I noticed that I wasn't quite the theme. He still very much loves his ex, his best friend, who can never be replaced of course. And I shouldn't even call her his ex because they are still involved. You don't just get over someone and move on so fast. What was I thinking? I had missed all the signs, all the advice, I had lost my intuition. John told me last week about the yoga we practise and how it applies to relationships. Just like in the vinyasa, the link to the poses, one must end clearly before the next one is experienced, how we need to clear the breath, clear the mind before launching into next…He always looked at me with his deep blue eyes as he talked about relationships, he even told me blatantly when we sat in the garden just that!

So as I read the letter I felt respect for the deep love Lawrence still has for her ex, that it is unhealthy to persist, that my connection to him will always remain pure…but amazingly my ego jumped in with the emotions of rejection, sadness, as though I am used! Hence I questioned my inner fire at the beginning of this diary entry. Should I be mean and retrieve that fire from people? I don't think I could do that even if I tried. I am who I am, my inner fire is an aspect of that and the joy I get from radiating that energy and love can't be questioned! Phew..I'm glad I took time to write because this puts me in a better state of mind than when I had started.

Letters are good, and should be received with great gratitude. I am learning a lot…This time I will need to practise more respect and give Lawrence time and space to heal and do whatever he needs to do…Unconditional love is about supporting each other, no matter who that person isJ