17.5.2008A whole week has gone by…Just as we were all saying how slow the time was going, this week simply flew by. And so much has happened in this week. The practise is going pretty well. Two students practise with John, Lawrence and Mike at 6am and those 2 students then count the 8am practise and assist John and Lucy. So there is plenty of opportunity to get things wrong and put them right again. My body did breakdown after the 108 sun salutes on Sunday and doing full vinyasa practise everyday. Although I cant quite pinpoint as to what caused it I am not so afraid of what is going on either. I had been feeling the weak spots and blockages for some time. Then on Wednesday I did some very deep backbends and felt pretty sore after. But on Thursday the cramp settled in and Lucy had to take me to her treatment room to look at what was going on. At the same time we were talking about our elements in the body and constitutions with Swami, so when Swami saw my back and asked what element was missing in my body, I replied "water" and she smiles…as the lack of water element manifests itself in the back as problems…John has been inspirational this week, challenged our comfort zones by pushing us in the practise as students and as teachers. His way of explaining the method, his inquiry of the mind and body, and how well he observes us is just amazing. I really do look up to him as a teacher, but from previous experience with other teachers I know not to idolise him. He wouldn't like that much either. Then today after our meditation with swami as we said our gratitude to that higher self I felt something so intense, so strong in my bones that I left the room crying, and headed for my tree. Everything makes so much sense, swami has been great to open our minds to what is already there in us, has given us the road to that realisation. But I know deep down it is only the surface of the iceberg and it requires so much work, so much meditation and mind control to actually feel it. I love the story of the gods wanting to hide the "truth" at the time of creation and one god suggested hiding it in the deepest ocean, or on top of the highest peak but Brahman the creator said "no, human kind will one day reach there and find it" so it was then suggested that the truth be hidden in our hearts because that is the hardest place for us humans to reach and find the truth…Isn't that ironic? I feel like I have made such inquiry in these 2 weeks, deep into my heart. I had the glimps of it shining at me and teasing me to go deeper and taste that truth…I am so drawn to it and yet the mind is playing its little tricks, sucking me into the false reality…I think I cried so much because of that realisation, I feel like I'm at crossroads. I can see two paths, both I want to explore because one is the life, the householder way of living…and the other is to go deeper and learn more, explore that hearth more. I know that it is difficult to do both, especially in congested cities where prana doesn't flow very freely. I said to Swami that it feels as though the consciousness is playing a game with us. The answer is given to us already but that consciousness wants to see how we find it! Swami finished the session today with the following quote from Vivekananda:Nature is our mother; she takes us by the hand and with love and care shows us all the different experiences in the universe, all its manifestations, all its beauty and ugliness. As we learn through involvement and play, eventually there comes a time when we ask: where is home, our true home?Then the time is ripe and the mother takes us back the same way we came. Casting off all attachments we gathered, eventually we arrive and rest, while mother goes out again to go back to show others, who have lost their way, how to return home. "Thus the infinite river of souls is flowing into the ocean of perfection, of self-realisation" Raja Yoga…So to top it all, we are going to watch the Matrix tonight, a true yogic movie, of awakening! And great action.,…plus yummy Keanu Reeves. And tomorrow out partying for my birthday. I had a quick reflection on my year of 30, and realised how much distance I covered this year, especially since leaving London in October…Oh and I found a great love…as love always finds me, through me!