13.6.2008

Another day, another practise, another cry

Phew, I had major releases yet again this morning after the practise. I feel a deep sense of fear that surfaces whenever John wants to get me in my hands, in handstands, jumping forward…

It was one of those days the penny dropped. I sometimes feel that not only do I practise for myself but for often John. I see how much he puts into my practise, how much he tries for me to understand that even if I'm trembling in exhaustion I do it for John. He was trying to explain how much energy I needed in my thighs and for them to work as units that we ended up doing karate kicks. He kept moving his hand higher and higher for me to kick with straight leg! It was to cultivate that sensation, and yet it came back in the practise. I flew in chakrasana (backward roll) and for the first time in my whole life I came up to headstand straight legged.

My back has been changing a lot in the past few weeks and it was only last week while I was taking shower I realised how further up my head was from the floor. I could feel release in my back, length in my spine. So in drop backs as often they do, I get these beautiful little clicks, especially now that my upper back is getting more space. So as we did the drop backs with John, falling like an angel as he calls it, I had more of those popping…Good pop!

It was also at this point that John stated that I was now ready for internal cleansing series, the second series. I had been questioning that time to time as it was something that was given and taken away from me many times this year. However I had detached from it, because I trusted John, that he had his file on me, he wanted my body to achieve certain things as well as my mind to get into second series.

So I don't quite know what caused my burst into tears after the drop backs, but I held it in whilst John and Lucy were still in the room. I didn't want to breakdown in front of them for some reason. Does a student need to look strong in front of their teachers? I don't know the answer but as soon as they left I found myself lost in tears. Inke, Anandi and Jamey were there for me, either crying with me, hugging me or supplying me with tissues. Takako remained further at distance but I could feel that she wanted to reach out; she cared and wanted to be near but didn't know how to approach me, so in the end she gave me a big hug at the end.

I don't quite know what the emotions are that are coming up, often fear triggers it, and the fact that I try to fight it back. Yet there is a grace in surrendering to it which may be causing the tears. Everyone gave me a great advice on fear "become friends with your fears; don't feel that you have to fight them". I think those words will ring in my ears for a long time.

I'm grateful that I'm surrounded by great people around me. And the faith in this technique is getting stronger.