Vipassana Diary

Day 0

Things are never what they turn out to be, there is so much planning you could do in your life and yet nothing is predictable. I'm having a good reminder again (thanks universe). We arrived at the Vipassana centre with Liz, all ready for our 10days of sitting and meditating…Until an hour after the registration I was approached and asked if I could serve as they were very short staffed in the kitchen. It wasn't something I had prepared myself but I instantly thought that this is an opportunity for me to steer out of the planned way and learn something, plus I felt obliged in a way knowing that they really needed someone.

However even after a few hours I couldn't settle into the idea and regretted saying yes, because I was jealous of others sitting…I wanted that too. I was selfish, instead of being silent and getting deeper in the practise I would only manage 3-5hours a day. On top of it all I felt clueless in the kitchen with all those utensils, big pots, trays, dishes, huge freezers. It was overwhelming!

But I decided to be brave, accept my decision, surrender and keep asking "why am I asked to do this, what is my learning?" I already had a few answers: 1. I needed to learn to speak quieter (everyone knows how loud I can be), 2. I needed to control the verbal diarrhoea I get sometimes, 3. I needed to practise awareness in a real life situation, 4. Giving/serving with no expectations, 5. learn to integrate vipassana into my daily life…====At 8pm we all sat in the hall for the first session as noble silence began. Hearing Goenka's voice brought an instant smile to my face, it had been 10months since my last course, since I last heard his chant (there are 3 mosquitoes in my room as I write this, my god I better surrender to them willingly as I said I wouldn't kill any beings). His instructions brought back the memories and my practise of the meditation instantly; doing anapana (observing the breath at the nostrils) I could already feel how sensitive my nostrils were. And during anapana I felt Lawrence's presence very strongly as he was sitting by my side, after all he was the last vipassana practitioner I had been meditating with in NZ. My heart was flooded with emotions and eyes already watering.

It wasn't until 9pm when we had a metta (selfless love) session with all the servers, managers and assistant teachers I learnt exactly why I was there. They dimmed the lights so it was pitch dark in the hall, and Goenka started "I seek pardon from anyone whom I may have hurt or harmed today and I pardon anyone who may have harmed or hurt me". I cried, pretty hard, from the heart. This was something I never did, forgive myself and others on a daily basis so that I didn't carry on any feelings to the new day. At that moment I completely surrendered, I was happy to serve and clear of my purpose.

Day 1

Goenka always answers my questions timely and brings a big grin on my face. This morning I felt pretty tired as I woke up at 4am to meditate, and then worked in the kitchen from 5.30am. I had moments of envy still, "oh I wish I could sit there with the students" and I felt left out as they all returned to the meditation hall and we cleared up dishes and got ready for the next meal.

The teachers had recommended that we watch the discourse by Goenka for the servers at 2.30pm instead of group sitting. So Mark, Ken, Cheryl and I went to the interview room to watch the DVD. Oh Goenkaji, what a beautiful heart you have. All of those negativities vanished and left their place to love, joy and compassion. "Serve with joy, smile not frown, be a good example" he said and once I remembered how much I had appreciated those people serving me last year in England I realised how rewarding serving really was.

It was still a tough day; we burnt the spaghetti sauce during the group sitting but managed to save the day. And some funny things happened during the course of the day:

• Jolene, a local girl who came to make the carrot cake, who had hitchhiked her way across the pacific island hopping
• We found a sardine tin in men's dining room and had detective plans to catch the student eating fish
• Poor old David, a student with colon cancer and a very strict diet couldn't resist the spaghetti and salad, ended up running to loo 4-5 times after
• Watched a kangaroo with its baby trying to get in and out of her pouch
• A huge lizard under the tree
• Goenka's funny discourse about students wanting to escape on day1 and how they tend to overeat

Day 2

We're beginning to have more fun in the kitchen; speed we work at is incredible. Cheryl used to have an award winning restaurant and likes to jazz up the recipes; Ken's doing an acupuncture course at uni; Mark is a Kiwi living at the centre for a few months. We've been learning from Cheryl that in a busy kitchen you have often have to warn each other when you're whizzing around with big, heavy, hot pot "behind you", "hot pan" But for us it's a bit of a joke.

I still feel tired from all that movement but enjoy feeding the little hatching Buddha's, who are struggling at times, just as I did first time I did a course. After our metta session we have a short group meeting to discuss operational things and I found out that Liz is getting stomach cramps from having a big gap between lunch and 5pm fruits. The teacher said that maybe she can have a light meal. I just hope the little chicken is ok.

Day 3

I must have been a cabbage in my past life; why else would I be chopping 10kg of cabbage in a day? Anyhow I did it with lots of love and sympathy for those who will be farting their guts out tomorrow and the next day.

Tomorrow is the D day as vipassana will be introduced. Already we had 6 females and 4 males left.

Liz is given yogurt with her fruit at 5pm now; I hope she's doing well. It's so hard to guess especially when she can't express anything.

My concentration on chocolate seem to have sharpened today as Mark brought in some yummy dark organic choc and waved it in my face to see if I wanted any…as I was washing a big pot! I was like a cat following a piece of meat, as my head turned to the chocolate and I managed to empty the water out of the pot directly to the kitchen floor. It surely got the group laughing. Oh, how to work on the craving of chocolate. Mind you I wasn't craving it until my attention was brought to it.

Day 4

Cheryl left today as she's off to meet her nephew who's just done a landmark forum in Brisbane. It was sad seeing her off as we've enjoyed having a real chef, in charge and a great guide in giving us tips. And Emma has arrived to fill her place today who hasn't served before either. It'll be "blind leading the blind" as my father would say, as I have to show Emma around to prepare breakfast but the positive note John would say is that "best way to learn something is to teach". So tomorrow we will be preparing breakfast with Emma.

On a personal note I felt a lot of agitation in meditation today, my hips are screaming at me as I'm testing a new way of sitting. The degree of agitation is to want to vomit…oh those sankaras are deep!

Day 5

I found a heart shape rock in my shoe today and know that it was Liz who put it there; she also gave me a nice smile at breakfast time as we caught each other's eyes.

I also discovered that it takes 6 hours for wisdom to arise in my case. At lunch time Emma announced that she didn't want to serve but wants to sit and meditate instead. I have a feeling that most new servers must feel this as I saw myself go through the same thing. The teachers agreed to it, given that we wouldn't be so stressed in the kitchen but frankly I was pretty pissed off (ooops, just created another sankara) with the idea of us serving 60 people and not be stressed, how's that possible? Is compassion saying yes to someone's happiness for the sake of others? And the sila (moral codes) of "not stealing", doesn't that apply to "not stealing someone's time" or "not stealing from someone's wellbeing". And the carving of wanting to sit 10-11hours a day, isn't that what this technique supposed to teach people to release? All I can feel is the fire in me right now. The boys were sweet to say "we should be ok", I disagreed and said "lets give it a go tomorrow to see how we get on and then make the decision"

Day 6

Calmness after the storm. It was a busy, hard day in the kitchen with 3 of us but they managed to get people from the office to help out with some of the cooking and cleaning. In fact I realised that this is better, we work as a good team with people who want to be there. Rafey is pretty funny, he's the manager for male students and his partner Diana is the manager for the female students, and she's 6months pregnant. Anyway it was fun to have Rafey in the kitchen telling us his funny childhood stories about learning to fall without causing too much damage, his very frequent swearing which seemed very natural to him and so on…

After serving the lunch I just felt a rush of emotions and sensations; all of a sudden I understood why Lawrence would lie on the floor after serving food. I still feel his presence and his beautiful heart.

Liz left another pebble on my doorstep, a small heart. So in return I started to draw on her yogurt with honey. And during evening meditation I found myself working deep and feeling very light afterwards, all of a sudden there is so much space to breath, for my heart to grow and for my bowels to splurge!

Day 7

No idea what the date or day is but I know that it is Day7 of the course. With a structure of cooking, cleaning, clearing our time seems to go very quick. I can't tell whether the meditaters are moving so slow or we're running around faster but the difference is immense, hence I try not to freak them up too much by whizzing past them.

As well as the discourses in the evenings I'm also enjoying our team meetings. The male assistant teacher Mark, a very humble being, was telling us about the teachings of this Buddha. It is to last 5000 years and Buddha had predicted that 2500 years into his teachings someone would spread it globally, that person was Goenka who initially travelled to India to teach his mother vipassana but ended up teaching hundreds of people and beyond!

Day 8

It's been raining for 2 days now, but the kangaroos go about their daily routine happily, eating in the rain, looking so soaked and manky.

I sat opposite 2 pregnant women today at lunch time, Diana who is the manager for female students and Jolene who had come to help out in the kitchen. Diana is 6 months pregnant and so excited about the baby, where as Jolene is absolutely petrified with the idea of it. Not only is she petrified of the baby but also the pregnancy, putting on weight and so on. Anyhow it was interesting to observe them.

At the staff meeting Mark told us the story of how Goenka's teacher came to learn Vipassana. He was an accountant for the government rail service and on a business trip his own carriage was accidentally left behind at a station. As he was waiting around he asked the station manager, pointing at a house in distance, who lives there. The station manager told him that it belonged to a vipassana teacher and Goenka's teacher wanted to go and pay respects. When he met this teacher and had a long deep conversation he was told to go and teach vipassana. Isn't it funny how vipassana enters in certain people's lives? Diana was saying that doing vipassana is the same probability of being stranded in the middle of the ocean and someone throws a life jacket and it lands directly on top of you.

Josh, a student travelling in Australia with his tent for the past 140days has refused to sleep in a room in the heavy rain because he wants to be able to do 150days in a row. Apparently his tent was flooded today and yet he's going strong, he dup up a trench to stop the rain coming in. Interesting character.

Also found out today that Rafey, the manager for male students, who is very passionate about vipassana tried to sit without moving for 3 hours

Day 9

Terms: "strong sitter" "how many have sat" "haw many have you served" "when was your first course" "creating sankara" "equanimity" "Goenkaji would say…." "saving palmis in my jar" are all the questions and terms used regularly amongst the vipassana world. It made me think about the astanga world because similar things would be asked amongst students but mainly about their yoga practise. I'm realising how little I know of this world, of the famous names, teachers, places…It's an eye opener.

Today is the last day of the silence and I've been doing my best to enjoy it. I've become so much more aware of the nature, animals, shapes; even my actions say when I hit the gong at meal times. Actually that gong and I have had some conversations for sure.

Goenkaji's discourse was as fulfilling as usual. I can't believe how much of it I had forgotten to practise, those strong reactions I've given, losing my balance and getting stuck in emotions. I felt so content, so happy to be here, and filled with love as I listened to him today.

Unfortunately I saw a few students talking tonight in the bathrooms. What a shame? Great disrespect to others who maintain their silence.

Day 10

It's 2pm right now as I write this and the place is buzzing with chatter and laughter. It's so great to talk to people, hear their comments and experiences, appraises for the food but I realised how much energy we consume by talking and escaped to my room to have a nap. When the silence was lifted I had a talk with Liz, it was interesting to see her struggle putting words together and whisper to me. But she was back to normal within an hour.