16.6.2008

Gone with the fairies

Wow, no idea what happened today but somehow my mind was definitely in a wonderland far far away from here. I started at 5am with meditation and then practised at 6am. The group energy was pretty good initially but somehow got disturbed as we opened our mouths demanding adjustments from Ariel and John, giving feedback, farting! I mean it was pretty hilarious and somehow still was flowing but mind was surely elsewhere.

Timothy and I were leading the 8 am class and I couldn't remember posture names, Sanskrit count, adjustments…It was like a blank board, and even when I tried to focus it resisted so much. I felt pretty dense, like my brain was in my hips perhaps, and no connection to what my mouth was saying. Thank god Anadi was still by the side counting with me; it was good to have her reassuring presence.

Then I continued feeling so unaware…as I was adjusting John in backbends my hands moved under his shoulders but at the same time poked him in the eye…taking his contact lens out with me…I heard swami's voice in my head "no such thing as accidents, only lack of awareness". Anyhow I managed to get through the practise without causing serious damage to anyone.

Let's see how the day unfolds…bring back awareness Oz; come back to earth wherever you are!

2pm….Hmm just been to Kahurangi for some coffee as John and Lucy had to take David to airport so we had a long lunch break and the sun is shining so beautiful and bright that this was the perfect escape. I still don't feel like I have arrived but somewhere on the way back to where I am supposed to be.

5pm- Perhaps I am more here now. John started the session talking more philosophy and I decided to open up to him about the crying session from Friday, my fears…And John patiently explained about the plateaus we experience in our practise because we are fearful to take the next step or often don't know how to. And yet each step carries the wisdom of the previous step. And this is the beauty of yoga, because those learning apply to our fears in life. And if we can just take the learning and the sense of achievement of overcoming each step, that gives us the trust in ourselves. Because what gives us the fear in the first place is the doubt, that little voice that says that we're not good enough or through the conditioning of others what we have been hearing…And there was a great quote from John (something he had read before) "if you think you can and if you think you cant, you are right". So it all boils down to whether I think I get do something or not.

6.30pm…This feels like the update from Big Brother House. Fin came earlier on and we had some lovely chats. I love talking to children, their excitement and enthusiasm shows through. He wanted to show me some of his break dance so we both went up to the yoga studio to do handstands. He found mine rather pathetic. As I watched him I noticed how he just throws himself in the air, sometimes fell awkwardly on the floor but just bounced back. And yet I was trying to get the prefect alignment, staying close to the wall. He kept asking me "why don't you just so it in the middle of the room?" And he gave me some great tips "you're not breathing, I thought my dad kept telling you to breathe"…He is absolutely adorable. We decided that we would continue our session sometime in the fields so that I didn't have the wall to rely on and we both had soft landings when we fell.