so i've been meaning to write in this blog since...last june 2010. it is now january 2011. really nupur? really? wow. have i been that consumed by life? have i been living or going through the motions? or a bit of both? since ive come to gallup, i don't think i've had a semester where i am "living." There are days of course in which I experience great joy, love, and peace. But most days the joy is sporadic...and im just plain tired....ive gotta stop sleep at 12:30..guess what time it is rigth now? yeah, thats right 12: 30 am on a school night....today was such a terribly busy day..i needed me time. i need 2 hours of me time. its true. how am i going to do this with a family? maybe....i won't need so much time to just "be" and figure my life out....maybe i would though....?
my thoughts are sporadic right now. so im just going to write. ms.livingston, my aid, has turned out to be okay. she has been good for my professional development as a teacher (in learning to speak to parents, increasing parent involvement, and learning the capacity that a young child can learn) but i can tell she secretly desires to be a teacher and would like to run the classroom. I never feel comfortable within MY own classroom. She gets jealous if the kids want to talk or hang out with me. She takes her anger out on the kids if she sees that I am talking with them and enjoying my time. i fear her. its a ms plummer...but this aid has the potential of being much more evil. she is evil. i can sense the good ...but its buried beneath the pain, jealousy, and angry...years of anger. I have to learn to stand up for myself. I've got to stopping giving a s*** about what people think so much. I've got to do it for myself and for these kids. I know its cliche but s*** man what if I did die tomorrow? Did I make that day count and superb? This is a weakness that I have to mold into a strength. I must create measured steps to help myself and my kids. come on nupur, you freakin rock. you can do it. you are awesome!! (im working on self affirmation...until it becomes nothing but pure truth)
here is another struggle: my roomate has a boyfriend and has had once since tfa began. im jealous. so jealous its terrible. she is always happy, content, and joyful. would she be this content without a man? i wonder. i wonder why i can not simply be happy. why is my happiness contigent upon a man? is it because of societal pressures? but wouldn't it just be nice to have a man. someone to talk to, listen to, and hold. I am trying to hard to focus on what I have and not on the missing ( dr.dyer tells me that if i focus on emptiness, i will only get emptiness).
last struggle: parents. parents that won't leave me alone. that won't give me f-in peace of mind. i always need to be applyin, or researching or this and that ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh LET ME FUCCCCCCKKINNNG LIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! all i want to hear from them is, "Nupur, follow your heart. we love the work you are doing and we want you to continue to follow where God and your heart leads you."
do i have these struggles to become a stronger and better person? yeah, i know its true. and its ok, i know i will have man. a beautiful man, that lovesssss SPIRIT, nature, and is philanthropist. values parents and people. I will find this man.
and I want to write about my moment after talking to Mr.Chandler 2 weeks ago and again last Friday afternoon. That in itself is a powerful story. I need to save that for the next blog entry
btw I have 21 kinders again! oooo they are quite normal. they don't have anything on that creative bunch last year. but they are just kids. they are a few which have touched my heart (autumn, matthew, renee, aja, faith, seth, rayshawn). autumns smile rocks my world. matthew's disregard for everything except for killing bad guys in his imagination. aja's smart ass. faith's mousy cuteness. seth's goodness. and rayshawns...just plain mysteriousness. love them.
also. i love mr.chandler. i do. it was no coincedence that i am working in his school. it freaks me out to think that if i had not taken that deferral, if i had not come to new mexico, what i would have missed out on. i would have missed so much of life. the struggle and the beauty.