I made a resolution to never post on my blog if I wasn't in a good mood. So I don't know if this will ever see the light of day.

But sometimes life is a little overwhelming, and I guess it's good to write about it.

A year ago, I was still "straight". I was drinking living a typical student lifestyle, with lots of nights out and working (occasionally) in the Social Bar, which was like a home to me. I could go to the pub alone and know that there would be someone there to keep me company. I really felt like I belonged, and life was good.

Then I took a couple of steps that have more or less turned my life upside down. Firstly, I came out.

Even a week before I started telling people, I planned on never doing so; on continuing to pretend to be straight and finding a woman I cared about enough to hide the fact that men are f***ing gorgeous. But I don't regret this move for a second, and everyone was brilliant about it. I almost feel like I cheated by skipping all the aggro that most gays tend to suffer. But I wasn't a strong enough person to have come out earlier, I lacked the self-confidence to go against societal and familial expectations.

Even though I had a lot of gay friends through my Eurovision obsession, it was - and still is - a whole new world to me. As a lot of you will have experienced, I began to start every sentence with "now I'm a gay..." and I started changing some aspects of my life a little. This is an on-going process, but I'm becoming a better gay all the time. I veet-ed the hair on my back, I found my favourite Pet Shop Boys song and now I'm even posting a melodramatic blog entry! There are aspects of my "straight" life that still linger, and I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy the way everyone presumes I'm straight when I go and watch the football in the Irish Pub, but I like to think I have embraced the gay life quite well, and I haven't even been to a single straight club in the time I've been in Berlin.

But it is hard for me emotionally to cope. Sometimes I find myself forgetting to breathe just when lying next to a guy, and I can't even begin to describe the headrush when I do something more 'serious' (to me) like holding hands or kissing in public. It's amazing, for sure, but it's also so intense. But then I don't think I ever want it to stop feeling that way. It's magical.

I am happy to report that I don't feel any guilt or shame. I guess I already got all that out of my system. While I listen to advice about not encouraging trouble in certain areas of Berlin by acting like a flaming homo, when I can be gay publically I have no issues with doing so.

But now I am focusing my emotions at the right gender, they are whooshing about everywhere and I'm struggling to keep up. I wanna laugh, cry, dance, shake, explode! But most of all, I need to vent - and that is difficult because of the second step:

I moved to Berlin.

As much as I loved my time in Lancaster - it made me actually become a real person, it gave me self-confidence and a bunch of fabulous friends - it was time to leave. Berlin was always a dream of mine, and now I'm living that dream. And again, I have no regrets. But again it's hard. The world is big and scary and sometimes I just want to hide from it, I guess everyone feels like that sometimes. But when that world also speaks German and is miles away from home, it's even worse. If I don't pick myself up and go and find a job then I'm gonna end up sleeping on the streets. But it's so easy to put it off til tomorrow. I need a Round Tuit (google it!).

And sure I have a lot of fun here, and I have met two amazing and beautiful people who are helping me settle in, taking me out, and encouraging me to speak German and get my new life sorted.

But I guess I underestimated how much I would miss the People of England. I miss the accents a lot, but mostly I miss my friends. I miss being able to hug them. Hugs and gravy would be top of the list of things I miss. Also wittering. I miss the eye-rollings and exasperated expressions as I over-excitedly/half-drunkenly regale my long-suffering mates with a story about FLG that they really weren't interested in. I do try and keep in touch, but time often slips away. Please feel free to light up my day by sending me a text (+491774308623), and add me on skype (dan.harrow). It won't help with the hugging (or the gravy), but you'll get to see my lovely face and vice versa.

OK, this doesn't seem *too* depressive so I guess I'll post it. Please don't worry about me, but also don't forget me! Send a hug on an Easyjet plane every now and then.

I think my wallowing is done for today. I promise a cheery entry about my brother's visit soon.