GEE WHIZZ, WHERE THE HECK DO I START?! IT'S BEEN LIKE A MONTH SINCE I LAST PUT IN A WEE UPDATE, SO THERE IS AN AWFUL LOT TO WRITE! FIRST THINGS FIRST - WE SURVIVED CYCLONE LARRY (I KNOW, IT WAS AGES AGO, BUT NOT TOLD YA'S ABOUT IT!). OUR GARDEN WAS PRETTY BAD, TREES KNOCKED DOWN, ELECTRICITY WAS CUT OFF ETC, BUT ME AND FANNY FOUND THE WHOLE THING THAT EVENTFUL THAT WE SLEPT RIGHT THROUGH THE DAMN THING AND WOKE UP AFTER ALL THE EXCITEMENT HAD HAPPENED! WE NEVER QUITE REALISED THE EXTENT OF THE CYCLONE TILL WE WERE LISTENING ON THE NEWS AND IT GOT UP TO A CATEGORY 5 (WORST IT CAN GET), AND MILLIONS AND MILLIONS OF DOLLARS IN DAMAGE HAD BEEN DONE TO A NEARBY VILLAGE. QUITE SCARY ANYWAYS. WHAT ELSE? WELL, WHEN WE HAD MONEY (WHICH IS NOT NOW), WE WENT FOR A SHOP AND I DECIDED TO MAKE MACARONI FOR DINNER. FOLLOWING MY MUMS RECIPE, I THOUGHT IT WOULD TASTE LIKE HERS (MAYBE NOT COMPLETELY, BUT AT LEAST A LITTLE!). ANYWAYS, THE CHEESE SAUCE WAS THAT LUMPY THAT I HAD TO ACTUALLY SIVE IT, AND IN THE PROCESS USED EVERY SINGLE PAN, TUB, BOWL, PLATE AND SPATULA TRYING TO MAKE THE RUDDY THING! NEEDLESS TO SAY, IT WASN'T EXACTLY A GREAT SUCCESS, AND SINCE THIS EPISODE, I HAVE BARELY COOKED AT ALL! INFACT, I TELL A LIE, FANNY AND KATRINA WERE MAKING SUSHI THE OTHER WEEK (YUCK), AND I DECIDED TO MAKE PASTA AND SAUCE. JUST OUT OF THE PACKET - WHAT COULD GO WRONG? WELL, I ENDED UP PUTTING TOO MUCH WATER IN IT AND IT TURNED OUT LIKE SOUP. NICE CHEF JENNY! TALKING ABOUT BEING IN THE KITCHEN, FANNY WAS DOING THE WASHING UP THE OTHER NIGHT AND WENT TO PICK UP A TOWEL, AND THOUGHT TO HERSELF 'WHY THE HELL IS THERE SO MUCH RICE IN THIS TOWEL'. THEN THE RICE STARTED MOVING AND SHE REALISED THAT IT WAS MAGGOTS. HOW BLOODY DISGUSTING IS THAT? IT'S CRAZY HOW MANY FLIES AND ANTS ETC THAT THERE ARE OVER HERE. THERE WERE LIKE 10,908 ANTS 2 DAYS AGO TRYING TO LIFT A CORNER OF A CRISP OUT OF THE FLAT. MING MING. MY JOB SEARCH HAS GOT A BIT BETTER THAN WHEN I LAST WROTE IN THIS. I GOT OFFERED THE CHANCE TO GO AND WORK ON A CRUISE SHIP FOR A WEEK TO SAIL ROUND THE REEF - WAS HARDLY GOING TO SAY NO WAS I?! IT WAS WORKING WITH CAPTAIN COOK CRUISES AND I THOUGHT THAT I WAS GOING TO BE A WAITRESS WHICH WOULD'VE BEEN DANDY. INSTEAD, THEY HAD MY BUSTING MY BACK IN MAKING BEDS WITH 'HOSPITAL FOLDS', AND PLACING MINTS ON THE GUESTS BEDS AT NIGHT, AND AN ABUNDANCE OF CUTLERY. ALSO, GOT COMPLETELY SEA SICK FOR THE FIRST 2 NIGHTS AND SPENT THE WHOLE DAY PUKING UP. ALL IN ALL, NOT THE BEST JOB FOR ME! HOWEVER, HAVING SAID THAT, I DID SEE SOME OF THE REEF WHICH IS BEAUTIFUL. WE WERE GIVEN HALF A DAY OFF WHERE WE WERE ALLOWED TO GO ASHORE. THOUGHT IT WOULD BE A GREAT TIME TO SEE SOME OF THE FISHES. MY CLAIM TO FAME FROM THE GREAT BARRIER REEF? A CRAB. A FRICKEN CRAB. JENNY GOES TO THE GREAT BARRIER REEF AND SEES A CRAB. GREAT! WHEN I GOT OFF THE BOAT, I WENT OUT WITH FAN AND OUR FLATMATE KATRINA TO CELEBRATE (AS YOU DO!). ENDED UP FINDING THIS PUB THAT DOES FREE-FLOW CHAMPAGNE FOR LADIES FROM 10-12. NEEDLESS TO SAY, IT WAS A GOOD NIGHT OF WHAT WE REMEMBER OF IT!!! THE NIGHT OF THE FREE CHAMPAGNE WAS ALSO THE NIGHT THAT FANNY LOST HER SHOE. SHE WOKE UP IN THE MORNING AND HAD A VAGUE RECOLLECTION OF IT BEING OUTSIDE, SO SHE WENT OUT AND GOT IT, CAME BACK IN MY ROOM, AND SAID 'OH MY GOD, I FOUND IT'. I WAS LAUGHING AWAY AT THE FACT SHE ACTUALLY REMEMBERED ABOUT IT, THEN SHE ADDED 'BUT NOT BEFORE THE LAWNMOWER DID'. SEE THE PIC IN MY PHOTO GALLERY. UNLUCKY FANNY! HAD A FEW MORE NIGHTS OUT SINCE THEN (AS YOU DO!). WE WENT OUT ONE NIGHT AND OBVIOUSLY WON THE LOTTERY OR SOMETHING, COS WE WENT INTO PJ OBRIANS AND ORDERED MAGNERS (MMMMMM!). HOWEVER, FANNY WAS A BIT WORSE FOR WEAR AT THIS POINT, FELL OFF HER CHAIR, GRABBED MY ARM, MY MAGNERS SMASHED EVERYWHERE, I WENT TO TELL SOMEONE, WHILE FANNY SAT THERE DRINKING HER PINT OF MAGNERS THROUGH A STRAW. WHAT A FRIEND EH?! THE SAME NIGHT, A LIVE BAND WERE PLAYING, AND THE GUY CAME INTO THE CROWD AND WAS HANDING ROUND THE MICROPHONE FOR PEOPLE TO SING INTO. FANNY GRABBED THE MICROPHONE AND SHOUTED AT THE TOP OF HER LUNGS IN A REALLY HIGH PITCHED VOICE 'SCOOOTTTTTTTTTTLLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNNDDDDDDDDD'. HELP ME! THE SAME NIGHT ALSO, FANNY THOUGHT THAT IT WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA TO STEAL A HUGE ASSED METAL SIGN, BUT IT WENT WRONG, AND SHE ENDED UP DROPPING THE DAMN THING ON HER FOOT. WHAT A FANNY! EM, WHAT ELSE? OH YEAH, APRIL FOOLS. HAVE TO PUT THIS BIT IN COS I THINK THAT IT'S CLASSIC (A BITTY CRUEL, BUT FUNNY ALL THE SAME!). I REMEMBERED THAT IT WAS APRIL FOOLS, AND KNEW THAT I HAD TO GET THE FOLKS WITH SOMETHING. IT TOOK ME AGES TO THINK WHAT, BUT THEN I CAME UP WITH THIS, WHICH IS A TXT THAT I SENT MY MUM: 'HEY MUM, YOU'LL PROB GET THIS IN THE MORNING BUT I HAVE SOME BAD NEWS. ME AND FANNY HAVE HAD A MAJOR FALL OUT. SHE'S GOING TO BRISBANE FOR A WHILE AND I'M COMING HOME. FANNY RAN OUT OF MONEY AND I WAS PAYING FOR HER. NOW I'VE RUN OUT OF MONEY. ARRIVE HOME ON APRIL 6TH ABOUT 12PM, BUT WILL FINALISE ALL THE DETAILS WITH YOU LATER ON'. HOW GENIUS IS THAT? NEEDLESS TO SAY, MUM WAS STRAIGHT ON THE PHONE AND I HAD THEM FOOLED! AFTER I CAME OFF THE CRUISE SHIP, I WASN'T GETTING ANY HOURS AT ALL WITH THE RECRUITMENT PLACE, SO HAD TO GO IN SEARCH FOR A NEW JOB, OR TWO. I CANNY BELIVE HOW HARD IT IS TO GET A JOB OVER HERE. AT ONE STAGE, FANNY HAD TO JOBS ON THE GO, AND I DIDN'T HAVE ANY (AND SHE'S THE ONE WITHOUT A WORK VISA!). THE ADS IN THE PAPER WAS FOR SUCH STUPID THINGS. LIKE BONING CHICKEN, CLIMBING TREES FOR 46 GRAND, SKIN AND PACK CROCODILES?! OH, THERE WAS ALSO A JOB FOR A 'LUBRIACANT SALES REPRESENTATIVE'. NEXT JOB. HOWEVER, I NOW HAVE 2 JOBS AND AM WORKING IN A TELEPHONE CALLCENTRE PLACE TRYING TO BOOK APPOINTMENTS FOR SALES CONSULTANTS TO GO ROUND TO THEIR HOUSES TO TRY AND SELL SOLAR HEATING?! THE COMPANY IS CALLED 'ENVIRONMENTAL CARE', AND THE OZZIES HAVE A BIT OF DIFFICULTY UNDERSTANDING MY ACCENT, AND KEEP THINKING THAT I AM SAYING 'MENTAL CARE'. CALLING UP ABOUT SPECIAL KIDS OR SOMETHING. HELP! MY OTHER JOB IS AT NIGHT IN A SPANISH PLACE. IT'S RUBBISH. MOST OF THE STAFF ARE LOVELY, BUT I HAVE RECEIVED NO TRAINING AT ALL, AND I CAN HARDLY EVEN PRENOUNCE 3/4 OF THE MENU, LET ALONE SPELL THE RUDDY THINGS, OR TAKE ORDERS. I GET $11 CLEAR AFTER TAX, HOWEVER, I RECEIVE NO PAY SLIP AND ALSO GET CASH IN HAND. DODGY OR WHAT?! ANOTHER NIGHT OUT: ENDED UP WALKING HOME WITH FANNY AND KATRINA AFTER THE CLUB WE WERE IN HAD ALL THE ELECTRICTY CUT OFF AND WE SWEATED AND SWEATED TILL WE GOT OUT OF THE PLACE COS THERE WAS OBVIOUSLY NO AIR-CON ON. NICE LOOK. DECIDED TO WALK HOME (SAVE MONEY ON TAXI'S AND STUFF - HOWEVER, WE COULD STILL AFFORD TO GET A HOT DOG). SEE THE LOGIC IN THAT ONE? NOPE, ME NEITHER! ANYWAYS, ON THE WAY HOME, A PERSON ACCROSS THE STREET STARTED SHOUTING ABUSE AT US FOR NO REASON. FANNY BEING FANNY STARTED SHOUTING BACK AT THIS ABORIGINAL LADY, AND THEN WE ALL GOT SCARED, TOOK OUR SHOES OFF, AND STARTED BOMBING IT TO OUR FLAT. THE WOMAN WAS BLOODY CHASING US. WAS REALLY FUNNY ACTUALLY, FANNY NEARLY POOPED HER PANTIES THOUGH. GOT CUTS AND EVERYTHING ON MY FEET - BUT NOT OFTEN YOU GET CHASED BY AN ABORIGINAL WOMAN THOUGH IS IT?! TALKING ABOUT ABORIGINAL FOLK, FANNY NEARLY GOT MUGGED THE OTHER NIGHT BY ONE OF THEM. A GUY ON A BIKE STOPPED HER, AND WAS WAVING AT HER TO GO CLOSER. WHEN SHE DIDN'T, HE PUT HIS HAND ON HER SHOULDER, AND FANNY SHOUTS AT HIM 'F**K OFF, I DON'T F**KING HAVE ANYTHING ANYWAY'. WHAT A CLASSIC THING TO SAY! THANK GOD THE GUY CYCLED OFF, AND FANNY IS OK. BUT, CAIRNS IS BLOODY DODGY MAN. THERE ARE DRUGS EVERYWHERE, AND WHEN FANNY TOLD THE TAXI DRIVER ABOUT WHAT HAD HAPPENED, HE TURNED ROUND AND SAID 'OH YEAH, MUGGINGS AND RAPES HAPPEN ALL THE TIME AROUND HERE'. SCARY OR WHAT? BUT NOW, WE NEVER WALK HOME ALONE, AND ALWAYS GO TO MEET EACH OTHER FROM WORK ETC (DON'T WORRY TOO MUCH MUM AND DAD!). OBVOUSLY, IT'S BEEN EASTER, BUT NEVER KNEW HOW MUCH AUSTRALIA CELEBRATES IT. EVERYWHERE WAS CLOSED ON GOOD FRIDAY (AND I MEAN EVERYWHERE!), AND THE PUBS THAT WERE OPEN, COULDN'T SELL ALCOHOL UNTIL 12AM UNLESS YOU ORDERED FOOD - THAT'S THE LAW! WHAT THE HECK IS ALL THAT ABOUT?! DON'T THINK THERE IS MUCH ELSE TO REPORT ON AT THE MOMENT. WE'RE BOTH DOING DANDY OVER HERE, LOVING EVERY MINUTE OF IT, MINUS THE LACK OF MONEY (BUT THAT'S WHAT YOUR CREDIT CARD IS FOR EH?!). OUR MATES KELLY AND KAREN (THE TWO FOLK THAT WE MET IN THAILAND, THEN SINGAPORE) ARE COMING UP TO VISIT US ON THURSDAY FOR 2 WEEKS. CAN'T WAIT! HOWEVER, KELLY HAS BROKEN A BONE IN HER FOOT OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT, AND HAS A HUGE STOOKIE ON HER LEG. HOPE THE PUBS LET HER IN? WE HAVE BEEN INFORMED THAT SHE HAS HER OWN FORM OF TRANSPORT - A WHEELBARROW. NICE AND CLASSY LADIES! ANYWAYS, I BEST GET GOING. HOPE TO HEAR FROM YOU ALL SOON! ME xXx QUOTES OF THE PAST 3 WEEKS: FANNY: 'I WANT HEAPS OF BUTTERLIES AT MY WEDDING' ME: 'ARE YOU JOKING ME? THEY'LL BE AN EXTINCT SPECIES BY THEN'! FANNY: 'I DON'T GET IT, CHICKEN SALT DOESN'T HAVE CHICKEN IN IT. (as she reads the side of the tub, says:) 'OH YEAH IT DOES - MIXED VEGETABLE EXTRACTS'????!!! (Katrina was holding a pineapple and Fanny says:) DOES IT SMELL OF PINEAPPLE? (Katrina's mate Anna asked:) DO THEY HAVE PINEAPPLES IN SCOTLAND? (Watching a programme about lesbians, and I said:) SHE MUST BE ENGAGED FAN, SHE HAS A MARRIAGE RING ON HER FINGER! (what the hell is a marriage ring exactly?!) (Talking about pregnancy, Fan says:) YEAH, BUT 9 MONTHS ISN'T EVEN A YEAR! (Writing a card to my mum for Mothers Day, and I asked Fanny if she wanted me to write anything for her and she says:) YEAH, TELL HER I SAY HAPPY VALENTINES DAY MAM?!!!!