18 JUNE 2006 (NOT THE 31ST MAY, GOD KNOWS WHY IT HAS THAT DATE!): HEY HEY HEY CHICKIES! WELL, IT'S GOING TO BE ANOTHER LONG WINDED UPDATE FROM ME. SO, IF YOU DON'T HAVE TIME ON THE INTERNET, I SUGGEST YOU COME BACK TO THIS! WELL, FROM THE LAST TIME I WROTE, WE HAVE ACTUALLY DONE QUITE ALOT. OBVIOUSLY THE USUAL NIGHTS OUT (WHY BREAK TRADITION?!), BUT WE HAVE ACTUALLY VENTURED OUT OF CAIRNS FOR A DAY!!! THE WEATEHR HERE HAS STILL BEEN POOPY (RAIN MOST DAYS ETC), HOWEVER, WE DID HAVE A FEW DAYS OF SUN A WEEK OR SO AGO. SO, OUT WE WENT IN OUR BIKINI'S INTO THE SUN. FANNY CLARTED ON BABY OIL AND I WAS ON FACTOR 15 - DOES THAT MAKE ANY SENSE TO YOU? NOPE, ME NEITHER! SO, MAJOR NEWS IS THAT I NOW HAVE NO JOB! WELL, I DO SORT OF, COS BACK WORKING FOR RECRUITMENT AGENCY BREAKING MY BACK IN HOUSEKEEPING, BUT NOT GETTING MANY HOURS. 2 WEEKS AGO I HAD TWO JOBS, BUT NOW I BARELY HAVE ONE! THE FIRST JOB (TELEPHONE PLACE) HAD TO PACK IN COS NOONE COULD UNDERSTAND MY ACCENT - FED UP OF FOLK SHOUTING AT ME TELLING ME TO SPEAK ENGLISH. AND MY SECOND JOB, IN THE SPANISH RESTAURANT PLACE, I EM, EM, KINDA GOT THE SACK FROM! WHAT A STORY THIS IS. ONE OF THE FREE CHAMPAGNE NIGHTS OUT, DECIDED TO HEAD TO MY WORK AFTER COS IT WAS THE FIRST NIGHT OF KARAOKE. SO, WENT IN, PRETTY BOOZY, AND KATRINA AND FANNY WENT UP AND SANG KARAOKE. ANY SONG IN THE WORLD AND GUESS WHAT THEY PICK? FRICKEN BARBIE GIRL. "COME ON BARBIE LETS GO PARTY". HELP ME. NIGHT WENT ON, AND DRINKS WERE GOING DOWN PRETTY GOOD. HAD TO GO INTO WORK THE NEXT NIGHT, AND AS SOON AS I WENT IN, I GOT SACKED. WHAT THE HELL? THE REASON: RIPPING A COUPLE OF PAGES OUT OF THE KARAOKE BOOK. (NOT EVEN THE PAGES, JUST THE CORNERS!) COULD ONLY HAPPEN TO ME EH? QUITE HAPPY ABOUT IT THOUGH, COS THE CHEF WAS AN ABSOLUTE IDIOT, AND THE MANAGERS WERE RUDE. KINDA DOING A COUPLE OF HOURS IN FANNYS PIZZA PLACE TOO. NOT TOO GREAT AT THAT THOUGH. END UP WITH DOUGH IN MY HAIR, EARS, CHEEKS, NOSE, HAIR, EYEBROWS. ALSO, SWEAT TO DEATH TOO WHICH IS A REALLY HOT LOOK WHEN YOU ARE TRYING TO SERVE DRUNKEN GUYS SLICES OF PIZZA. WHAT ELSE? MY GOD, WELL, THE FUNNIEST STORY OF OUR JOURNEY TO DATE - THE PHANTOM s***TER. WAIT FOR IT. WE WENT ON A NIGHT OUT (OUR WHOLE FLAT), AND I WOKE UP IN THE MORNING TO EVERYONE CARRYING ON IN THE HALLWAY. WENT OUT TO SEE WHAT THE CRACK WAS, AND FAN JUST LOOKED AT ME AND SAID 'SOMEONE HAS SHAT IN OUR CUPBOARD'. I JUST LAUGHED AND DIDN'T BELIEVE IT AT ALL, UNTIL THE SMELL BLOODY WELL HIT ME! OPENED THE CUPBOARD, AND SURE ENOUGH, AN ACTUAL POOP LYING AT THE FRONT OF OUR CUPBOARD. COULDN'T HAVE BEEN ANYONE IN OUR FLAT COS WE WERE ALL OUT, SO SOMEONE HAS ACTUALLY COME INTO OUR FLAT, PULLED DOWN THEIR TROUSERS, POSITIONED THEMSELVES BETWEEN THE IRONING BOARD AND THE IRON, AND TAKEN A DUMP! WE HAD TO GO AND REPORT IT AND EVERYTHING. KATRINA GOT THE SHORT STRAW AND HAD TO CLEAN IT UP. WE WENT OUT TO THE GARDEN TO CLEAN THE IRON (YES, IT GOT ON THE IRON TOO!), AND AT THAT EXACT POINT, THE NEW NEIGHBOURS THOUGHT IT WOULD BE A GOOD TIME TO INTRODUCE THEMSELVES. MY GOD, WHAT MUST THEY HAVE THOUGHT?! ANYWAYS, MOVING ON........WELL, WE ARE NOW ALLOWED BACK IN OUR LOCAL BAR. BUT, IT'S JUST NOT THE SAME - THE BAR STAFF HAVE ALL CHANGED AND WE NO LONGER GET FREE DRINK (DISASTER OR WHAT?!). BUT, FEAR NOT, WE STILL MAKE IT OUT FOR OUR FREE CHAMPAGNE. I AM IN THE PROCESS OF TRYING TO GET A T-SHIRT FROM THE PLACE, AND THE BARMAN (BANG GUY), SAYS THAT I HAVE TO PAY FOR ONE. NOT QUITE WHAT I WAS HOPING FOR, SO I SAID 'COME ON, I'VE BEEN DRINKING FREE CHAMPAGNE HERE FOR 4 MONTHS, I THINK I DESERVE A T-SHIRT'. DON'T THINK THAT APPROACH WORKED TOO WELL EITHER. THE GUY SAID HE'S COME BACK IN TWO MINUTES, AND AN HOUR LATER I AM STILL SITTING THERE, WITH NO T-SHIRT!!! WE HAVE, OF COURSE, BEEN DOING OUR FAIR SHARE OF DRINKING HERE. ONE NIGHT, WE DECIDED TO PLAY THIS GAME 'CUPS', (A GAME I LEARNT IN AMERICA). YOU'LL SEE BY THE PHOTO'S THAT IT GETS YOU PRETTY HAMMERED! WE STARTED DRINKING AT 6PM, AND IT ALL WENT DOWNHILL! AT ONE POINT, FAN WAS ON THE BALCONY OF OUR FLAT EATING KATRINA'S PHONE, AND SHE ALSO HID IN THE CUPBOARD WITH ELAINE WHILE ME AND KATRINA PRACTISED SEX MOVES ON THE KITCHEN FLOOR?! (PLEASE NOTE - WE WERE FULLY CLOTHED HERE OK?!). SAME NIGHT, FAN SMASHED A GLASS AND CUT HER FINGER WHILE TRYING TO CLEAN IT UP, I DROP KICKED ELAINE AND SHE NEARLY WENT FLYING THROUGH THE WINDOW! WE DECIDED TO GO OUT, SO WHILST GETTING READY, KATRINA JUMPED INTO OUR FLATMATES BED (WHO WAS TRYING TO SLEEP!), AND FANNY PUKED IN THE SINK. NICE AND ATTRACTIVE! FANNY NEVER MADE IT OUT, AND WE DIDN'T LAST LONG OUT EITHER COS KATRINA FELL ASLEEP IN THE PUB! ON THE WAY HOME, ELAINE PUSHED ME IN A SPRINKLER, AND I GOT COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY SOAKED (AS YOU'LL SEE FROM THE PHOTO'S!). ALL IN ALL, GOOD NIGHT OUT!!! ME AND FANNY ALSO WENT ON ANOTHER NIGHT OUT TOGETHER. WE HEARD A SPECIAL WAS ON, AND IT WAS $7 FOR A JUG OF VB. THAT'S THE LOCAL BEER OVER HER AND IT TASTES MING, BUT AS IT WAS ON SPECIAL, WE THOUGHT THAT WE'D GET A JUG. SO, I TOLD FAN TO ORDER IT AND I WENT OUTSIDE TO GET MY MILLIONS OUT OF THE BANK (?!). CAME BACK IN, AND THE BARMAID FORGET TO CHARGE US, SO AS A RESULT, I GOT ANOTHER JUG COS WE GOT THE FIRST ONE FOR FREE. SEEMED LOGICAL AT THE TIME! NEXT THING WE KNOW THESE 2 GUYS ARE BUYING US SHOTS COS THEY THOUGHT THAT WE WERE LESBIANS (LIKE THE REST OF CAIRNS DOES!). ON THE WAY HOME, FANNY JUMPED IN THE SPRINKLERS AND GOT SOAKED (NEXT FANNY THING TO DO!). WELL, THAT NIGHT WAS MINE AND FANS LAST NIGHT OUT FOR A WHILE. HAD TO GET MYSELF A NEW DRINKING BUDDY, SO Q ELAINE! SHE INVITED ME OUT THE OTHER NIGHT FOR HER WORKS NIGHT OUT KIND OF THING. STARTED OFF WITH A BOTTLE OF CHAMPAGNE (THAT I ACQUIRED FROM THE 5 STAR HOTEL I WAS CLEANING!). ALL WENT DOWN HILL! WE WENT OUT TO THIS BAR CALLED GILLIGANS, AND THE MAN BESIDE ME ORDERED 2 DRINKIES THAT HAD THE MOST RANDOM MIX OF ALCOHOL IN IT EVER. I ASKED HIM HOW MUCH, AND HE SAID $17. SO, WHEN I GOT SERVED, I SAID 'CAN I HAVE THE SAME AS THAT GUY PLEASE', AND THE BARMAN SAID '$17', AND I SAID, 'YUP, THAT'S COOL', SO THE BARMAN WENT TO POUR THEM. 2 SECS LATER, HE CAME BACK AND SAID 'IT'S $17 EACH YEAH?'. I WENT 'EACH? EACH? F**K THAT, GIVE ME ONE AND AN EXTRA GLASS'. WAS SO BLOODY FUNNY! BET FANNY IS GUTTED THAT SHE'S MISSING OUT ON ALL THIS HILARITY? SHE'S NOW GONE DOWN TO BRISBANE. SOB SOB. FEELS WEIRD THOUGH COS IT'S THE FIRST TIME WE HAVE BEEN APART IN 5 MONTHS (CHRIST I REALLY DO SOUND LIKE A LESBIAN, WILL SHUT UP NOW!). I AM GOING DOWN TO BRISBANE NEXT WEEK FOR 4 DAYS WHICH I AM LOOKING FORWARD TO. ME AND FANNY HAVE ALSO BEEN TO A CONCERT SINCE WE HAVE BEEN HERE. OK OK, NOONE LIKE ROBBIE WILLIAMS (WHO I AM DETERMINED TO SEE THIS YEAR BY THE WAY!), BUT STILL. A DUDE CALLED ALEX LLOYD. MASSIVE IN OZ, AND HAS 4 ALBUMS OR SOMMIT LIKE THAT. BUT, IT WAS PROMOTION FOR HIS NEW ALBUM, SO WE WENT OUT AND BOUGHT IT. HOWEVER, IT WAS ONLY ABOUT 4 DAYS BEFORE THE CONCERT. NEEDLESS TO SAY, WE DIDN'T KNOW ANY OF THE WORDS. THE VENUE WAS REALLY QUIET TO BEGIN WITH, AND ME AND FAN RUSHED STRAIGHT UP TO THE FRONT. THE CONCERT STARTED, AND WHEN THEY CAME ON, WE DIDN'T EVEN KNOW IF IT WAS ACTUALLY ALEX LLOYD. WE SPENT THE REST OF THE CONCERT WAVING OUT HANDS AROUND LIKE LOONEYS, AND MAKING UP OUR OWN WORDS TO HIS SONGS. WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN SO BAD IF WE WERE AT THE BACK, BUT NO, RIGHT UP THE FRONT. OH WHAT FANS WE ARE........! AS I SAID AT THE BEGINNING, WE VENTURED OUT OF CAIRNS A FEW WEEKS AGO. ONLY FOR A DAY LIKE, BUT STILL, WE GOT OUT OF HERE! A WEE ROAD TRIP. HOW EXCITING! ME AND FAN WERE KINDA LEFT IN CHARGE OF BUYING THE FOOD. WE ENDED UP WITH A MASSIVE BLOCK OF CHEESE, DORITIOS, SALT AND VINEGAR CRISPIES, MINT CHOCOLATE AND BREAD. AT LEAST WE COULD MAKE SANDWICHES!!! WE HIRED A CAR AND KATRINA DROVE IT. NICKNAMED IT BOGEY (OBVIOUS REASONS!). RIDE WAS SLIGHTLY BUMPY AS KATRINA IS USE TO DRIVING AN AUTOMATIC, AND THIS WAS A GEAR STICK ONE. BUT, WE GOT THERE, AND NO ACCIDENTS TO REPORT (MINUS A FEW WEE STALLS, BUT EVERYONE HAS THEM!). WE STOPPED OFF FIRST OF ALL AT THIS PLACE CALLED KURANDA (BLINKING GHOST TOWN), AND FANNY GOT HER TAROT CARDS DONE. NOW, WAIT FOR IT, DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT SAID? THAT SHE WAS GOING TO COME INTO MONEY. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!! WE SAW A COUPLE OF NICE WATERFALLS (AFTER A 546 MILE HIKE TO GET TO THEM!). SWEAT. WE ALSO WENT TO THIS FAMOUS FIG TREE THING. CALLED THE CURTAIN FIG TREE, AND IS APPARENTLY THE MOST VISITED TREE IN THE WORLD SO THERE!!! WE STOPPED AT A PLACE CALLED MILLA MILLA WHICH WAS REALLY NICE. WE DRAGGED OUR PICNIC DOWN THE STAIRS TO THE BENCH (WHERE ELAINE SLIPPED AND FELL ON HER ARSE IN THE MUD - REAL HOT LOOK WHEN YOU'RE WEARING A WHITE SKIRT!). AND AS SOON AS WE GOT DOWN TO PICNIC AREA, IT STARTED TO PEE DOWN. UNDETERRED HOWEVER, WE SAT WITH OUR JACKETS ON, KINDA SHIVERING, BUT AT LEAST WE GOT TO EAT OUR SANDWICHES!!! AFTER MUNCH WE WENT TO THIS PLACE CALLED 'LAKE EACHEM' WHICH EVERYONE THOUGHT WAS CALLED LAKE EGYPT, BUT THAT'S A DIFFERENT STORY. LAKE WAS NICE, BUT NOT A PATCH ON LOCH NESS LIKE! FANNY AND KATRINA WERE FEELING BRAVE, SO WENT IN THE WATER FOR A WEE WIM. AFTER THAT, WE DROVE TO THE 'AMAZING RED CEDAR TREE', WHICH ONE AGAIN, ADOPTED A NICKNAME OF THE 'CHEDDAR TREE'. WE READ IN A BOOK THAT IT IS THE MOST ACCESSIBLE AND LARGEST IN QUEENSLAND AND HUNDREDS AND HUNDREDS OF YEARS OLD. SO, OFF WE TROTTED DOWN THE HILL, (AFTER HAVING A CONVERSATION WITH FOLK WHO HAD JUST SEEN IT, AND SAID IT WASN'T LONG TO WALK TO), AND WHEN WE GOT THERE, WHAT DID WE FIND? A FRICKEN STUMP. NO SIGNS WERE UP ABOUT IT OR ANYTHING, BUT IT GOT BLOWN DOWN IN THE CYCLONE. TALK ABOUT AN ANTI-CLIMAX!!! WHAT ELSE? OH YEAH, WE HAVE WEIRD FOLK THAT ARE LIVING OPPOSITE US. THERE'S THIS OLDER LADY ABOUT 50+ AND SHE OPENLY SITS OUTSIDE WITH NO TOP IR BRA ON (SO WE HAVE NAMED HER t*** OOT). THAT ISN'T THE WORST OF IT! LAST SATURDAY NIGHT, A FIGHT BROKE OUT AND ON SUNDAY, THE POLICE CAME ROUND TO QUESTION MARK AND KATRINA (OUR 2 OTHER FLATMATES), AS THEY WERE IN WHEN IT HAPPENED. ANYWAYS, ME AND ELAINE SPENT THE NEXT 4 HOURS STARING ACROSS THE ROAD TO FIND OUT THE GOSS, AND SAW MEN WITH GLOVES ON GOING IN AND TAKING FINGERPRINTS ETC. ANYWAYS, WE DIDN'T HAVE A CLUE WHAT WENT ON UNTIL THE NEWS THE NEXT NIGHT, WHEN THE HEADLINE AT THE 6 O'CLOCK NEWS WAS "53-YEAR OLD MAN IS FIGHTING FOR LIFE LAST NIGHT AFTER BEING BRUTALLY BASHED DURING A PARTY AT DRAPER STREET". HOLY s***! THE GUY, THE LAST WE HEARD, WAS IN A COMA, AND THE 2 FOLK THAT DONE IT, WERE BEING HELD AT THE POLICE STATION. WE HOPE THE GUY IS OK (OBVIOUSLY), BUT IF NOT, THEY WILL BE CHARGED WITH MURDER. GOD, IMAGINE THAT WE ARE LIVING OPPOSITE MURDERERS? WE NEVER KNEW THE AREA WAS THAT DODGY LIKE! ANYWAYS, I BEST GET GOING. MY ARSE IS NUMB COS I'VE BEEN SITTING HERE FOR SO LONG. HOPE YOU ARE ALL WELL AND DANDY. NEXT UPDATE WILL NO DOUBT BE FROM NEW ZEALAND. CAN'T WAIT! MISS YA'LL HEAPS! ME xXx FUNNY QUOTES THIS MONTH: * FANNY: I don't get why they're called Wind Wipers - they wipe the rain, not the wind ELAINE: Are you joking? They're called windSCREEN wipers, they wipe the screen! * ME: How many is in a million?! (DUH!) * ME: Is that someones phone? ELAINE: No, I'm choking (oopsy!) * ME: You're shampoo's s***e though isn't it? FAN: No, it's alright for washing your hair with... ME: What else are you going to wash with it - a car?! * FAN: I've seen 2-pac live on tv the other day. Well, not live cos he's dead, but you know what I mean........! * After a night out, I was walking past a hotdog stall where it advertisied the 'cowboy hotdog' - ham, bacon, onion and cheese. I asked fanny where bacon came from, with the intention of her saying a pig, then I'd ask where ham came from, with fanny then meant to say a pig, so then I couldn't see why you'd put the two on the same hotdog. But, the conversation went like this: ME: Fan, where does bacon come from? FAN: A sheep?!