DON'T waste money on expensive iPods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.

CINEMA goers. Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having a p*ss before the film starts.

RAPPERS. Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.

DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old bank statements.

RED WINE DRINKERS Worried that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night of drinking red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains.

SOLDIERS Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial tomfoolery after a trip to Trueprint.

MURDERERS Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.

BURGLARS. When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking Out at 90 degrees, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of their dogs on you.

EMPLOYERS Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin.

MEN When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it.

GAMBLERS. For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself by Royal Mail.

BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching.

BLIND PEOPLE Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.

ALCOHOL makes an ideal substitute for happiness.

DRIVERS. If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.

PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, simply move it all back again.

CAR thieves Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.

MOTORISTS Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.

JEREMY Beadle When selling DVDs on your TV advert, hold the disks in your bigger hand so that they do not appear to be the size of laser disks.

SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.

SINGLE men Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside.

BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.

ALCOHOLICS don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.

McDONALD'S Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.

Well hello there duderino's.........I have just let out a few squirts of wee reading the Mr T e-mail!........still squirting a bit! Oh dry my panties!...nearly as funny as Harry Hill's TV Burp last night....when I was crying with llaaughter for about 17 hours!...REALLY...keep remembering bits and laaughing! The man is a genious.........my new favourite man!.......Well....that's the most exciting thing that's hapened here.......oooh we did go down the Argyle and Southerner Highlander Inn last eve (it's good to go to the pub with the longest name in the world!)..And got angry at Bully on the Bullseye quizzie!...ah-boooooooo! Today I have started to try on holiday outfits for the Captain's table!.........Cruise wise people get invited to dine with the captain...and I'm thinkin it'll obviously be my good self..........Will be nibbling politely on fish fingers....cos he only chooses the best for the capptain's table...and probably....Ferero Rochets for desert!..no doubt!....der der der derrrrr der derrr de de de deerrrrrr! Monsieur.....wiz zeez rochets you are really spoiling uzzzz.....Tone says he enjoyed looking AT bRIAN'S ARSE!!...and has he got a Hawaian shirt yet? Toodle pip Schofield!...ooooh Brian...you're missing seman on ice!.....oh no I mean Seaman...David Seaman.....skating like a girl!...it's the new craze...celebs on ice!..hahahahahahaha........Aandi Peters was the best, but he got voted off last night...well when I say the best I mean...the worst...he fell on his arse! hahahah Peters...get back to yer broom cupboard!...with Andi Crane, Simon Parkin...and as fate would have it Pip Schofield himself presents the show! Broom cupboard reune! bye bye then! Y'all have the best time ever!! Lots of jealous love from Sister Act and Tone T Tonester and Mrs D the grand!!

haloa i am not sure when your off to hawii so thought i would get in first ;cowabunger dudes got to catch a pipe and be carefull of the falls ride that white stallion surfs up , short boarders ara all shark biscuits long boards are life man. bluejuice B.H bluejuice stay out of the reef and on top of the water man or hope you have your chest wig and moustash so you can steal a ferrari (red of course) also one last pearl of wisdom from an old abandend surfer; if the sea weed is in your face and sand in your mouth your swimming the wrong way go up you fool

Hi - Julee just sent me a link to this site to see the Mr T post below. Obviously everything else here is really dull! No not really. Very jealous of your adventures and 24/7 exposure to Triple J. Keep hooning around. Incidentally Syu, Ken, and me were actually in Sydney the other night when you met Ju for a beer but we couldn't be arsed so stayed in with three bottles of red wine and one of Ken's excellent pies. It was Owl Pie. Mmmm.

Yes i am at work slightly hungover, thanks in no small measure to yer good selves. One more! One more!
Thank you for coming to the Party Indoors that is the World of JuJu - a world inhabited by forgetful big-toothed waitresses serving muffin-tops and Octopus sausages with cheese. PS Coca-Cola Schmoka-Cola - we forgot to take a picture under the JuJu sign. Dumbasses! x

Every time a church bell rings, Mr. T pities a fool.

Mr. T hates playing 'Rock Paper Scissors' because he doesn't believe anything could beat rock. He always chooses rock, and when someone throws paper, he says,"I win." If someone is foolish enough to dispute this, he takes his clenched fist and punches them in the face, then says, "I thought your paper would protect you."

When Mr. T folds his arms, the U.S. Terror Alert Level is raised to gold.

The last man who made eye contact with Mr. T was Ray Charles.

Mr. T speaks only when necessary. His main form of communication is folding his arms and slowly shaking his head. And regardless of the situation, he is always understood.

Mr. T doesn't pity anyone who likes the Black Eyed Peas. He just kills them.

Children are afraid of the dark. Dark is afraid of Mr. T.

Mr T. and Chuck Norris decided to spar, they travelled to the only safe place in the Universe, the beginning of time. They bowed to each other and Chuck launched in with a roundhouse kick. Mr. T blocked it, and the resulting pressure wave is commonly called the Big Bang.

Mr.T once punched Chuck Norris at the exact moment he roundhouse kicked Mr.T in the chest. the result was the 80's.

Mr. T doesn't breathe, air just hides in his lungs for protection.

Mr T's chains are not made of gold, they are actually made of curium, one of the heaviest elements in existence. They were put there by the CIA to slow him down, and you're lucky they do, fool.

Human females have two X chromosomes. Males have an X and a Y. Mr. T has three Ys and a T. He's more man than you'll ever be.

5 out of 5 doctors recommend not pissing off Mr. T.

When creating the alphabet, Mr. T placed the letters M, R, and T in seperate areas so people could learn to read and spell without fear.

Mr. T is the reason the sky is blue. Don't ask stupid questions.

Mr. T once ate four 72 oz. steaks in 12 minutes. He spent the first 5 minutes laughing at the fact it takes Chuck Norris fifteen minutes to eat three.

Mr. T once captured Bigfoot, but released him after he shaved the beast and realized that it was just Chuck Norris walking around naked in the woods.

Mr. T invented fools. Realizing the magnitude of his folly, he then created Pity.

When Mr. T was circumsized his foreskin was not disposed of. Instead it was raised as a normal child, and it grew to love the game of basketball. Today we know Mr. T's foreskin as Shaquille O'Neal.

23. That's the number of fools Mr. T has pitied in the time it has taken you to read this sentence.

When Mr. T received his star on Hollywood's Walk of Fame, he made his hand prints after the cement was dry.

Mr. T is not black. It's just that the sun is to afraid to shine on him.

On the A-team, Face , Haniabal, and Murdoch were all masters of disguise. Mr T didn't have to wear a disguise. The bad guys didn't recognize him out of fear.

Mr. T always drives on the right side of the road, no matter where he is in the world.

Mr. T coined the phrase, "I see dead people," after the waiting staff at Denny's forgot his birthday.

There are only four horsemen of the apocalypse, because Mr. T is going to walk.

Mr. T. does not break wind. He destroys it.

Mr. T does not actually pity fools. He is just being sarcastic. No one has noticed because it is difficult to pick up such subtleties while being bludgeoned.

Gravity dosen't exist. Mr. T just pities everything to stay down. Birds and planes are exempt beacuse they are shaped like Ts.

Mr. T was once involved in a head-on car crash, and he was the only survivor. Mr. T was walking at the time.

Mr. T once travelled back in time in a telephone booth similar to the one in Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure and killed every Jester and Joker in every King's court, because he pitied those fools.

Mr. T's mohawk is so scared of Mr. T, that it started running to his beard for help.

Mr. T's feather earrings are actually feathers from a foolish bird that he pitied.

Mr. T wasn't afraid of flying on the A-Team, he just faked it so a "nigga could get paid"

Mr. T invented the Civil Rights movement

Everytime an angel sings, Mr. T pities a fool

hi chap and chappess, hope you well. I am going back to work on Monday after a three week break (bet you can't imagine the come down after such a long break), so I am gonna need another photo fix to get me through the day. I would gladly pay you tuesday for a hamburger today.

God bless you both! Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! We both feel for you, we really do! I expect it was diificult for you, having to suffer the intense heat by the side of a pool and the glorious sunshine, the cheap booze, the party atmosphere of like minded travellers and the food. . . mmmm! The food the B.B.Q food!
What we would have given just to swop places with you, . . for you! for you! Just so you could have spent Christmas and New Year here, we would have done that for you! You could have placed bets on a British white Christmas, knowing it would rain, you could have watched the fortieth repeat of the 'Morcambe and Wise Christmas special' followed by the Queens speech, eaten bird flu riddled turkey and bone dry sprouts (stomach grenades) and then tried your hand at guessing the value of the antiques before the experts on the 'Antiques Rroadshow'. You'll just have to make do I'm afraid, suffer in silence I guess!
We saw New Year Year in at Sean and Rachels Cocktail party, swish affair it was to, and I hasten to add we toasted you, our absent friends.
Love the photographs, love the site, it takes us away, briefly, from English weather and work.
Good to see you've finally encouraged Brian to try more daring and native food as well Sarah, the bush tucker was quite a leap from MacD's in Hong Kong, though I have to say I'd be with Brian if any plate of food you're served they give out a free toilet roll with, leave that kind of thing to the natives!
Keep travelling! keep smiling! keep the evidence and keep letting us see it!
Love to you both Claire and Ali!

HAPPY NEW YEAR you two xxxxx WEIRD! I don't have another email address BOO!will try and set one up with someone else. We had a good time thanks, very quiet and not at all late to bed. Hope the same was for you guys. Just preparing my gnasher for some scuffing! see you xxxx

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! Thought I'd better pop a message on here for those of you who can't be bothered to read our long and boring postcards! Hope you all had a great Christmas and new year. We missed you all but are very glad were not there hehehehehehe. By the way - Suzanne, I can't send you emails. Keep getting delivery failures even when I just reply. Do you have a different address I can use?
Brian swapped his hair for some magic beans, but I think he should plant them on his head so something grows.
Thanks for all the festive texts and keep the messages coming, we love to hear from you crazy guys. Take care. Love Sarah & Brian

Happy New Year to you both. We,ve just been viewing your Christmas pics. Wish we were there, it's very cold here. We have just enjoyed a splendid dinner with your mother.
Thank you for the sweet little present, it is proudly displayed. We look forward to the kids going back to school so we can have the world to ouselves again. BAH HUMBUG.
All our Love, Gree n Groo x x x x x xx

happy new year to you both and anyone else who reads this all though i thought this was a private place but nobby tells me any one can read it as long as they have eyes or a fancy computor that reads text .Well just got drunken text from bri so guess all is well in the universe even if he is under the illusion that its 2006 already also do you have any idea of tonights winning lottery numbers if you are living 12 hours ahead of the rest of use i will share any winnings, say 15% to you it is my pound after all also could you bring back an almanac and say hi to marty and the doc from me see ya soon bye