ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

I have just spent three hours making custard using Delia's recipe and it's a triumph, in that it tastes just like Bird's Instant

I'm fed up of fast food restaurant assistants telling me 'Sorry about your weight'. Have they no feelings? Or do they think that just because I'm fat, my skin is made of leather?

Did anyone else feel that Mel Gibson's remake of the classic Life of Brian wasn't anywhere near as funny as the original?

My friend's mum recently pointed out that I have the same ironing board cover as her. Can anyone think of a more mundane and pointless remark to make than this?

It's a shame Fred West is dead. He would have made a cracking Mungo Jerry on 'Stars In Your Eyes'

GIRLS? Too old to go on an 18 - 30 holiday? Simply get pissed, lie in a sand pit in your garden and shag every bloke who looks at you over the fence

AVOID embarrassment after tripping in the street by repeating the movement several times to make it seem like part of your normal behaviour.

AVOID being wheel clamped by jacking your car up, removing the wheels and locking them safely in the boot until you return.

PUTTING just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and causes them to swim in an amusing manner.

KEEP monkeys out of your kitchen by hiding bananas on top of a wardrobe in your bedroom.

PEOPLE whose surname is Toblerone should always take along an empty 'Toblerone' chocolate box when attending interviews for office jobs. This would save your potential employer the expense of having to make a name triangle for your desk, and therefore increase your chances of getting the job