Ralph’s Rant (a one off column.......maybe!)

Returning from the UK to Upington in South Africa was almost as stressful as walking down the aisle with your zip undone (no, I didn’t walk down the aisle by the way, Angela dragged me up the steps of a Registry Office at gunpoint).

We breezed in to Heathrow anticipating a couple of hours of relaxation (i.e. food & wine) before our flight only to be told by South African Airways that we could not fly back to South Africa without a return ticket to the UK (the airline is under threat of fines from the immigration services), even though the airline desk in Upington had sold us return tickets when we left South Africa in October.

No amount of anger, reasoning, pleading or crying (I’m not proud) worked so we ended up buying 2 single tickets from Joburg to Heathrow next February (to maximise our 3 month tourist visa stay), all for the princely sum of £744. Fortunately the severe turbulence over the Congo meant that our anger had evaporated out of our sphincters by the time we landed the next morning in Joburg.

This was just as well! The immigration officer issued Angela with a 3 month tourist visa (the maximum time allowed) but then decided my existing visa (stamped when we drove over the border back from Namibia to South Africa and expiring Christmas Eve 2006) was enough time for me!

My first argument to the official, that Angela’s had been stamped for 3 months, was a big, big mistake as I was told to get Angela back so her visa could be changed to match mine. Fortunately I was unable to see Angela 20 feet away thanks to momentary blindness.

Those of you that know me well will appreciate that I have legendary patience, (living with Angela you need it) but enough was enough.

In a scene reminiscent of Planes Trains and Automobiles (but without the expletives and unlike Steve Martin I won, so not really a scene reminiscent of that film but you know what I mean), I insisted that as I’d just spent £744 on return flights next February, because I had to have return flights even though I didn’t want them as we will be going over a land border, I was going to have my 3 month visa.

I’m not sure whether it was pity or fear that prompted the official to put the visa in my passport, but that is the closest I’ve come to thumping a civil servant!

Just as an aside, if any of you are thinking of doing a similar trip to us in future, allow an extra £2000 or more for buying return flights you will never use. We bought return tickets when we flew out last June, just in case anyone asked us how we intended to leave South Africa, no one did and the return portion of those tickets was unused.

Of course, you may be saying why didn’t we organise a longer visa………don’t get me started. Suffice to say that you would need a personal reference from Nelson Mandela, loads of cash, the patience of Gandhi and a spare 12 months to fill in the paperwork.

That’s my Grumpy Old Man moment, I feel better for it!

PS I'd like to thank Rob Hale (Grand Master of the Lodge of Grumpy Old Men) for giving me some refresher courses in the UK to re-hone my grumpiness skills.