I am a regular Joe. I don't sing in a famous band. I am not a football star. I do not have a million dollar business I built up myself through cunning and determination. I am not a brilliant researcher with multiple publications to my name and a professorship at a reputable institution in my field. I don't even own my own car. Strangers don't know my name unless I tell them. Most of them, come to think of it, don't particularly want to be told either. 

When I competed as a cyclist I was average. Like a regular Joe I am basically damaged for a week after completing something like the North Face Challenge. When I play music I am terrible at improvising. Another way to put this is, when I do something well it is because I have tried very hard and practiced for a long time. Just like all average people without any particular talents. 

So? Well, no I'm not into putting myself down. But that you might have thought that, and that I anticipated you might have, is part of my point. I'm being realistic. It really is like this, I'm just like anyone else. It's slightly disturbing and funny at the same time that I am feeling insightful saying this. I am a member of that anonymous crowd of people that is 'others', 'society', 'workers'. In writing this down here I am deliberately recording that I am not special. I do not stand out from the crowd, I am a part of it. I can't stand out, because I'm not gifted like some are, through a wonderful freak of biology, with something extraordinary. 

So why go to all this trouble to write down the obvious? Yes, there is a reason for this. I used to think I was special. What I know now is that I confronted special circumstances that made me try particularly hard and practice for a particularly long time. The infamous and fantastic Amy Chua detailed three factors behind successfully raised children in her latest book, satirised rather well here. I quickly identified with it when I read this New York Post article. It summarises her book as basically 2 lists, one containing 8 migrant groups (in the USA) and one containing 3 common factors amongst people of these groups. Salon and many other publications got hung up on the first list and called her a racist. It was the second list though that really struck home for me. The list of common traits is:

• A superiority complex 
• Insecurity
• Impulse control

I grew up with a superiority complex. I was born into a cult, went to a cult school (Waldorf/Steiner curriculum) and generally considered myself above everyone else within these groups and especially compared to those from 'mainstream society'. At the same time I was insecure and still have not completely fixed this problem. I was very self conscious, a terrible public speaker like most average Joes and instantly began obsessing for a long time, much longer than necessary, if I thought I might have wronged someone or said something that may have offended them. Regarding impulse control I can't say I was especially good at this, I'd say I was more like a regular person when it comes to this trait. Then again, this judgement may be inaccurate given I may be making it based more on my standards than that of the average person. Thinking back to my upbringing/when I was a student I can say that I certainly controlled the impulses to do other things than study very well, in fact study was basically an obsession and one could say I lacked inverse impulse control which might have meant I got out of the house and away from the books occasionally to meet people, develop social skills and um talk to girls. 

So again, what's the point of all this? A couple. First, whenever I think I'm special or better I need to remember that if I am I got there because of the three forms of torture that are impulse control, (incorrect) thoughts of superiority and insecurity. Second, it makes me free. Free because I can see that I'm not special and nothing can change that. I'm not responsible for exercising some talent I have to the full. Because I don't have any. Also it makes me free because I can dispense with the ridiculous effort that it takes to live life under the influence of these three factors. The stress, it's a killer! Who cares. Live a little. If I'm not that impressive, what gives. 

Nobody really minds that I am who I am. 

It would be cute to end it there but the Salon article above had a nice zinger about her previous book, "a great step-by-step manual for parents who want to systematically weed out any genuine interest or passion for life that their children might innately have". Mine is words and writing. I really enjoy it. Of course it's even better with a few muses to impress, but it's sad that I've taken till I'm 30 to respect myself enough to enjoy this genuine interest. Another way to look at it is it's taken this long to see through the bulls*** that endless conscientiousness leads to success and peace with oneself. Fittingly, I wrote a poem about this for the Poetry Open Words group in Brisbane last year:

19 years

Nineteen years of education
37.5hrs a week of labouring
Just so I can read my poems 2 hours a month
About life around the edges of this juggernaut
Of conscientiousness