Paul (and deborah but im sure you dont care that much) fatty allstars were held to a 6-6 draw on monday it was a good game. me n dan played. i scored one so im happier this week but need to score more! we were 6-4 down wiv bout 2 minutes left, i was off the pitch at the time, waggers sent me on wiv the words "get us some goals" so i went on and hard scored. then wiv pretty much the last kick of the game i saw hard making a clever diagonal run, i threaded the ball thru the eye of a needle and he finished GOOOOAAAAALLLLL!!!!! was v excitin! so we're still top! then yest me n dan played for the retards team in the weds division 5 league! they are well bad, its stokes' friends and steve eastes plays too. but yest stokes didnt play. me n dan had to do 98% of the work!! we won 6-5. this big bloke called dean did his best to giv the game away wen we were 6-2 up then he refused to be subbed. what a dickhead! nice enuf guy but footballing cock!! its makin me angry even now. Dan nearly scored his best ever goal, yes even better than p.e goal!! he hit it from bout half way line wiv side footed shot but hit it in a way which made it swerve opposite way to what u'd think. it hit inside of the post and away. i was gutted...as was dan. then the barmaid inside was really fit and young!!! 8------------ maybe a bit chavvy but not bad, not bad at all!! goin to notts this wkend for coc soc shud be fun!! spurs bolton on sunday we gotta win!! enjoy NZ xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I am wikked at football and i really wanna play for martin jols team. i wish martin jol was brasil manager. we'd win the world cup easy. and beat up mr wenger at the same time, i might even have a nibble on his sweets to stop him giving them to children.

actually no i wont i want martin to have his wicked way with mr wenger. he will be crushed by his power!!!!

itsh me again. i will break your ballsh mr wenger if you dont stop giving thoshe sweets to thoshe poor children!

Im weally good aht snooka. I wike wee yung pyo. and awan too

i am a ponce. i dont know anything about ze footbol. I really vish i cood be az shtrong az martin jol. he iz a big boy!

Im sho Strong, i will kick your assh if you do that again mr wenger

I know I just said that it was comedy week but it is now time for a sad story:

The other day my friend Baxter was arrested after a most unfortunate string of events. He was at the petrol station filling up his car when he accidently spilled petrol on his arm. After paying and forgetting that he had petrol on his arm Baxter decided to light a cigarette, inadvertently setting his arm on fire in the process. With the car moving Baxter didn't know what to do so hung his burning arm out of the window in the hope that he would get some help. However, unknown to Baxter there was a police car two cars behind and upon seeing Baxter's arm ablaze they pulled him over and arrested him. His crime ... possession of a firearm!
It's still comedy week!

Just thought i'd warn you that its comedy week and therefore i will treat you to some new material

Why is there no paracetamol in the jungle?

Cos the parrots eat 'em all!

aw great news bout sir alan - the place is gona be rammed! me deb pete dan zinho alan rix lauren lesley - brilliant its gona be proper Carmen Electras hypermix. I really hope i told you guys the right dates - 14th - 24th july - im 99.9% sure thats right so is deborah - it definately is but i hate that i cant check - its right tho dont worry. - bad news i second attempted skydive has been rained off- its very dissapointin but we're gona try and do one elsewhere in NZ.

dan sorry to hear bout your spelling mistake mate.

Sir alan im so pleased your coming to cyprus - ive told my dad only 6 ppl are going - this is not true - but i'll keep it on the down lo.

Don thats cool news bout kimbolton. i can definately imagine that being the most robbed street - glad we dnt live round there anymore. ps; im looking fwd to playing football with adam soon and then having a few beers with him.

pete - hope fattys go well - im having a brilliant time but i do miss goals loads - cant wait for some world cup goals. ive just spent an hour catching up on the spurs news! Jol is a legend - he is wel strong aswell - probably the strongest manager in the prem. also its great news about the hammers getting to fa cup final - i like hammers as duz tidy and it'l mean they field a weaker team against us hopefully.

speak to everyone soon - take care xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

hello paul. spurs' goal v arsenal caused lots of arguments u can read bout it for urself but it ended up wiv jol and wenger squarin up to each other was wicked!! jol said after "i dont think wenger knows how strong i am"!!! what a wkd thing for a manager to say!! he would def batter wenger!! wengers ended up lookin like a proper cock. its fantastic, if only jol would say somethin bout wenger's nan's t***!! im gettin ready for fatty allstars now dans playin again hopin to add to his debut goal! i better score tonight or im givin up football forever. good news, sir alan has booked his cyprus flight he's comin from sunday to sunday!!
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Hello again! This is so much easier than writing e-mails. Can you guys get the News of the World where you are? Because yesterday there was a 2 page (!) article about the most burgled street in the UK. And Debs guess where it was???!!! That's right it was Kimbolton Avenue!!!!!! I found it kind of funny. I'm not laughing at the people who got burgled though. We were lucky we woz never robbed! So anyway, I feel proud to have survived the crime and i am a stronger person because of it. Hope you're having fun and PK I hope you are not bullying Deborah?! much love xxxxxxx

just a quick update on my lylo situation. apparently i've been spelling lylo wrong! went on a french lylo website yesterday (its unbelievably difficult to buy lylos on t'internet). i found to my bemusement that its actually lilo! bummer, i must have looked like a right divvy. sorry. (tested the mobile phone lilo again but it keeps going flat as my nan. can't believe it!)