Mi-Suk-cock Hey Dec I just rearise hoo yoo are. yoo tell me your name is Sam Dringle but i see your picture on tv and yoo are Decran Donnerry famous tv plesenter flom Newcrastle UK. Anyray, you reft yor purple y-fronts on my bedloom floor (could write a song about rat) if you want them back why yoo not cum back and see me. Oh and your flend Stiffie also called by and he did just as you said he would. Took of his shoes and let me give him special massage. I love you dec and think we should marry. Mi-Suk xxxx

Kev Away the lad, Can't make the show boys after getting a great offer from Big Mike to take back over at the barcodes. As you know my soccer circus in Glasgow was going well but when Big Mike turned up dressed as a clown and promised me a bigger circus in the mother land I couldnt say no. He has promised me that I can buy a giraffe from the Liverpool Circus to add to the 12 clowns that I have already in the Big Mike Top Circus. Can't wait lads and I will have to go now as Shay has offered to paint my face, Martins has thrown a custard pie at Michael and he is in tears and Duffy has got his tootoo on back to front. Anyway I would just love it if Lawro won the comp. KK

Sally 954 hey Ant I have Declan hostage under my sofa. I have tied him up with some old elastic out of my big bertha knickers that i bought at Mrs Dittmans car boot sale. Don't worry i have gagged him with a pair of smudgy's undies so that should keep him quiet. If you don't believe me check channel 954 out tonight and you will see Dec's under the sofa. My demands must be met i require that you send Biggins to me so that i can use and abuse him failure to comply will result in Dec being placed in excrutiating pain. He will be locked in a room with Jade Goody for an hour. Sal x

Holly 912 Boys, We got cut off earlier and just wanted you both to know I am working later and would love another chat. I have been to M&S for lunch and got some cippolatas and mustard and just eating them now thinking of you both. I will wear my tartan skirt and knee high socks for you later. Miss you boys and call me (I need the money) Love you. Holly x x x

Big Sam Hiya lads I have finally got the holibobs you were on about and I am able to join you on your holiday island in the Caribbean next week. Despite people chanting "you don't know what your doing", i have managed to book all sorts of transport to get me out of here! I have hired a moped from Byker Groves Motorbikes altho it was in bits yesterday when i went round. I will set off across country under cover of darkness and catch the supply ship HMS Plymouth tomorrow. I will do an hour by hour update of my trip down the M1, so you don't feel left out. I should be in Barbados by a week on Saturday and look frward to seeing you both......... Amy is meeting up with Joey at Heathrow and also coming out (not in a gay way) cos they tried to make em go ti re-hab but they said no, no ,no. On another note i met el hadj diouf last night and he gave me a massage, it was the best i'd ever had and when he had finished he spat on me! It was only then i realised he was supermanning me!! I am so niave. Lots of Love Big Sam (You don't know what your doing)

Britney Dec, Thanks for those saucy texts you dirty little devil and I do have those panties on..... Sorry for the e-mail but after taking your advice and playing with my jiggy bank I forgot to shut the curtains and the neighbours called the cops so I was caught red handed. I also had you dvd on which you siad was Alien autopsy but I think you gave me the wrong dvd as it had some bald midget playing with a robot and the police arrested me for this. Anyway out now and back playing with my jiggy bank cant stop since you showed me how to do it properly. Just eating a chippolota and thinking of you. Britney

Britney Guys. i miss you both already and cant wait to see you again soon. I am still walking like John Wayne and will never eat a Chippolata sausage again!. Slight problem my younger sister or mini me as you called her is pregnant and she isnt sure who's it is? Have you any ideas? Miss you lads and Lindsey is doing ok back in rehab after the weekend with you and your mate who reminded me of Martin Platt by the way from Corrie. Love you Brit

Shazza Ant Where have you been bo? Just got out and I called your office number and your agent Jonny Darwin and got no answer from any of your numbers. I think you are all on the run as I understand that you have been operating those 0898 numbers again. I am off down the Lennon bar tonight for old times sake. The last time I was there was before I got institunialised and I met Camel squadron. I still cant get the song out of my head "shagging on the dance floor". How is your minders back these days? I have bought a new flat in Ellsemere Port which has a view of the old dock yards and cant wait to enjoy the view later. Let me know when your back in town I know I dont compare with britney or Paris but at least I can touch my toes and wrap my legs around my head. Bring Dec also next time.... Shazza

Britney Boys, How you guys doing. Cant wait to see you both at the Palms tonight. I have bought a new outfit and hope to show you "both" whats underneath later!!! Hope your ready for our night out and see you both later for an orgasim in the bar! Brit X X X

Helga Lovecock Hey Sammy Why you leave so quickly after our lovely 15 minutes together at the world cup. I found your phone in my knickers after you made a run for it. It plays a strange tune everytime i walk now. I don't know how you got passed the Sky TV camera's. I did not understand why you had to go, you had only just made yourself comfortable and next minute you had disappeared like a puff..........of smoke. I was visited later that night by a big man that looked like shrek and think maybe he was with you. But when i checked outside there was just an empty Lasagne box and the tail lights of a taxi heading for Waldorf. Please come back and see me again Sam, I have held over your credit and i owe you 14 minutes. Our baby is doing well, but Shadrak really misses his daddy and so do I. I love you Sam. Helga xxx

INNA Ant Were are you. I still have photo of me and you together in club. I kiss and cuddle you each day and night. Speaking of club it is not very busy at moment but I dream of you coming back to be with me as I need cocktail and Roxy wants warming upp. I need you back didnt one of you write that song I cant remember but I long to drink monkey gland with you on top of uprice hotel. They are still out of toilet roll so please call me like u promised me. My merc has packed up so need to buy a good car like a skoda. When my prince comes back to me we can go for long walks, boat rides and drive in my car with the large steering eel. Our baby is well and I have called him Hopper. Love you Innaxx

Lina Hey Ant how are you, Remember when you sent me this e-mail back in February, it was time after you visited me and got very drunk with your side-kick Dec. you said hello lina I hope you are well. I was out earlier today with some Russian visitors and it got me to thinking of you, hence my e-mail. Understand if you don't reply but just had to e-mail to see how you are etc? So how are you and have you run out of tea bags yet? Are you still in Prague and what are you up to?How is Inna is she well? Me I have been travelling for a short period been to Portugal, Spain, France, Germany and then over to the USA.Ii started a new job here with Bank of Ireland, which is not bad to be honest and I am enjoying it. I have just got back from a trip to Switzerland, which was full of your country folk. Anyway I do hope you are well and the weather isn't to bad in Prague, let me know if you need the tea bags!!! Best wishes, Ant why you not send me any more tea bags? Lina xx

Arnie Limeys & Sir Bruce, As Govenor of the State of California it is a pleasure to welcome you to America. I was going to call you but I lost your mobile number and luckily I got your web details from Lina and Inna. Anyway just wanted to say there is no truth in the romour that I asked the mayor of LA to send a Tiger to welcome you. All I said was the lads like Tiger beer and that we should welcome them with a crate or two. I think the American public will love you as the re runs of Biker Grove are on the BBC America channel and we now have strictly come dancing so Brucie may get more attention but dont worry we Yanks love all you Limeys. Anyway give some of your celeb friends a call, I know Paris and Lindsay Lohanare dying to meet you and would love to go down on you in town so give the girls a call. Britney may be out of state but you never know she may come back if Brucie is out with you. Enjoy your stay lads on the golden Coast and our new advert slogan says "find yourself here" or at least at my New Years eve party. I'll be Back......Arnie

Joey Hway the lads, Sorry I couldn't get back to Mama Mias for your farewell party. I decided to go home and check on my house as it was empty over Christmas. Our kid had been staying there recetly as there had been loads of burgalaries but luckily my house was the only one not touched. Anyway I couldnt get my normal driver "Get away Graham" as he is away in Tenrifee so I decided to take the train. Well when I got to Lime Street two scally's said to me I reminded them of Peter Beardsley in the Newcastle shirt so I saw red and gave them a good hiding. As you both know I have spent a fortune on get my teeth done, false tan and eyebrows re-styled so for them to say I looked like Beardo was an insult. The bizzie did say may be they meant that I played like Beardo in the shirt but I couldn't see that as I have only played two games. Anyway now at the court and the case is in recess so I thought I would e-mail my two mates. Luckily, I am not lonely in court as our kid is with me as apparently he was the burglar as they found me with a nice watch that he had given me for Xmas which was nicked from number 36. Enjoy the US of A and if you see Becks tell him I may join him at Galaxy Rangers next season. JB (8)

the cheeky girls Hey boys Touch my bum! The girls xx