A British friend of mine once commented that I was more white than yellow. Thus making reference to the strange position I occupy as a Malaysian-Chinese who spent a good part of her life in England. He found it strangely interesting that I understand British humour, colloquialisms and generally the lifestyle. Since arriving in China, there has been a stark realisation that I am indeed more "White" than "Chinese". I am at complete ease while speaking English. However, I can be a nervous wreck while trying to speak Mandarin. The Malaysians here are extremely nice but I still find that we cannot speak freely due to the language barrier. More my fault than theirs really since I am here to learn Mandarin and should endeavour to speak better. Whenever I meet another Mandarin-speaking individual, I have to process my thoughts for a considerable amount of time before speaking. This does not happen when I speak English; I process my thoughts probably a few milliseconds before speaking. I am very comfortable speaking English. I think in English. I process information in English. Therefore, I find it difficult to explain to others that my mothertongue is really English. Yes, I am Malaysian and I can speak Malay. Yes, I am also Chinese and I can speak Cantonese and a bit of Mandarin. However, I am most fluent in English. Then I get raised eyebrows because I am definitely not "white" and certainly not an American Born Chinese or British Born Chinese. I look Chinese enough but that is where any similarity ends. Does my race dictate who I am? Does my ethnicity dictate who I am? Does my nationality dictate who I am? Does my education dictate who I am? Who am I? I do know this though. I am who I am. Such profound words!