"Hate different or love different, but one must know different"

Today began with a trip to purchase new sandals, as the Mrs' fell apart en route to breakfast. Breakfast in the hotel was the usual mixture of fruits, cereals, noodles, meat, roast, sushi, cantelope, rhino horn and almost anything else you could imagine. They also had yellow watermelon! It tasted like watermelon, had the texture of watermelon, but it was yellow. Truly something I had never tried before.

The time for sandal searching had begun. After some meandering between stores in the mall, a suitable pair was unearthed and purchased (along with a mysterious looking second shoebox).

We then took a tour lasting several hours, seeing some of the must see sights in KL. The first stop was the Balik Factory - a place where they hand print beautiful designs onto silks and cloths. The dexterity of the painter was mesmeric to watch, with a vibrant and stylish end result. After the silks we attended the Kuala Lumpur City Gallery. It was here that I learned about the history of the city, including its time under British rule. We were also witness to another feat of manual adroitness in the artisans of wooden replica buildings within the gallery.

We then popped round the corner to independence square. Here resides a pole which allegedly has a flag on the top of it. However, they made the pole so high that only birds and low flying aircaft would be able to testify to this. Our guide told us that this was the tallest known flag pole in the universe. I began to wonder if aliens had developed a different way of demonstrating an allegiance to a particular area of the world defined by arbitrary lines drawn by people (or aliens) who had no right to draw them in the first place. Anyway, the pole was mighty.

After this we drove to a The Royal Selangor Pewter Factory. For those of you who do not know what pewter is, shame on you. We were shown an array of uses for the substance, which included (but was not limited to) cups, bigger cups, tea pots and a giant record breaking mug which weighs a squillion tons or thereabouts. I am not sure what record it actually broke. I wonder if there are ex- record holding giant pewter mugs kicking themselves, wishing they had just been a little better at whatever it was that this mug did so well.

Then it was on to the Batu Caves. This was a collection of caves and Hindu temples which was accessible by some 272 steps. Upon reaching the top I realised that my legs and lungs had liquefied and that I was actually only surviving through the power of the osmosis of oxygen directly into my functioning organs. It turns out your eyes need oxygen too. Initially I thought there were several thousand caves and temples, until the blurred vision and black spots had subsided and I was seeing in HD again. The experience included witnessing the act of worship in a temple, which was something I had never seen before.

The final stop on the tour was to the Sultan's palace. It was here that I learned that the Royal family took turns to be Sultan, changing every 5 years. Allow me to explain how this works:

Malaysia has 13 states. 9 of which are ruled by guys that are sultans of that state. These 9 sultans (all related) vote who becomes the big boss Sultan every 5 years. It's nice to share things I guess.

Speaking of being related. Turns out our tour guide's mother is also his father's niece. I am still working that one through in my mind.

Our final act of the day was dinner in the Mandarin Oriental. We ordered some special Dim Sum which was not on the menu. The waitress promised us 6 pieces, but we only got 4! This caused us absolutely no discomfort or agitation. It was a little annoying when they tried to charge us for 6 though. In the end after a short conversation they dropped the price (to 5 pieces). Apparently they had given us such an incredible price first time around, that they couldn't reduce it any further due to the fact that they would end up making a loss, etc. There seems to be a theme here that people seem to constantly make profits of approximately 0.05% on their products.

I did get to try venison for the first time. It was nice. But deer.

For desert I had sweet snow fungus with ginko nuts. When I enquired what this was the waiter eloquently described this as "a fungus with ginko nuts". The conversation turned into a discussion on the merits of trying that which is different in order to expand one's horizons. That was when the opening quote was made up. Quite proud of that one. Anyway, the fungus was surprisingly tasty. I like when fungi help you to prove points.

I didn't think that I would be writing about bidets at any point during this trip. However, the bidet at the Mandarin Oriental was something designed for anatomically erroneous human beings. Please see the attached picture in order to begin to decipher the controls. I won't begin to tell you where the water came from, but I left the restroom feeling violated.

Lastly, I did say I was going to enlighten you all on the methods of distinguishing spurious bags from those which are authentic. It turns out I have no clue about this particular proficiency. However, as a rule of thumb if the guy selling the item says he is selling it at such a low price that you as a single buying individual may destroy his entire business and render him and his extended family -including cousins and nephews who have emigrated to America - homeless and destitute, then I would assume the item may be counterfeit.

BLOG PREVIEW! :

Something to do with flies.