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I love teaching, it's well good. Even when I'm knackered and pissy and trawling the depths of my brain for new and inventive ways to teach the second conditional, it's still a job I love more than any I've ever done. Mainly because it's usually when I'm in this precise frame of mind that my students come into their own and crack out the sort of lines that make me wonder how I could ever have any other job ever again ever. I mean seriously, I'm not sure what I would do if my days no longer included interactions such as this:
H (sneaks up behind me, whispers):Teacher Lucy?
L (whispers too): Yes, H?
H (lowers his voice even further, looks furtively around): Do you know, the world is made up from twelve particles of matter and four forces of nature? I think this very significant. (Wriggles eyebrows, strides off).
Or this, in a lesson on reading having introduced the topic via Beatles classic Paperback Writer:
R: 'Clinging wife doesn't understand', what's mean?
C: (gravely): She not understand, he need be free, write paperback romance, no like son have steady job work in Daily Mail, buy big house, car, be marry, work two week consecutive. Son like Chinese worker, he want be free like Lennon John and Teacher Lucy.
Not to mention this:
L: Hi P, what did you do today?
P: I have dirty time.
L: (Attempts to conceal fact is choking on hong cha) Um....P? can you....can you describe dirty time?
P: You know, like clean house, wash dish...
L: Ah, housework.
P: Dirty time, can say?
L: (fights burgeoning urge to say 'of course!')
Or this, a propos of absolutely nothing discernable:
S: Teacher Lucy, I think maybe in Western woman like you is normal.
Finally, I've taken to playing vintage parlour game 'Consequences', partly because they all think it's HILARIOUS (it makes no sense!!! What? Aaaagh! Teacher Lucy is mental!) and partly because it's actually quite good for teaching reported speech, but mostly because it affords ample opportunity for interactions such as the following:
- what was Chairman Mao wearing?
- he was wearing alien costume.
- and what did he ask Teacher Holly?
- He ask her call him Sailor.
This, however, is worthy of reprinting in full:
Michelle Obama
met
Obama
at
[My schools's name] teacher office
She was wearing
Foolish dress
He was wearing
His mum's pyjamas
She said
Why are you so sad?
He said
Japan is a stupid. It just a tool.
And the consequence was...
She tell him hope you can find Mr Right in coming days.
The hours may be mental, the commute a death trap and the extras questionable (I spend one hour every Saturday teaching 'Open Classes', miked up like some manner of CantoPop star in a food supermarket. Don't ask.) but my students genuinely make it worth every caffeine-fuelled second. Fanks kids.
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