Profile
Blog
Photos
Videos
Unexpected Longings. Featuring Spartan Battlefields, Oracular Cheese-Graters and Suspicious Incubati
Chengdu, China
In my experience, the things I've missed whilst living abroad have fallen into three categories. Firstly, the international things: the ones everyone is missing all the time regardless of their country of origin, namely family, friends and language. Then there are the Brit-specific niggles, which tend broadly to be things like irony, real pubs with regulars called Tel, serving real ale with salt and vinegar crisps (lobster and seaweed Walkers with your bai jiu, anyone?) and the use of 'dickhead' as a term of endearment. All of these you are to some degree prepared for before setting foot on that plane. The third category, however, is the wily one; the one for which no amount of preparation can prepare you. It houses all the day-to-day aspects of life in your homeland to which you never paid heed before leaving, and for which you will ever more be grateful on your return. For me, these are as follows:
Cashpoints that give you your card before your money.
I have waited the two hours in the bank and paid the 20 kuai fee for a new card without fail every single month of my time here as a result of this ridiculous policy. NB: this clearly bears no relation to the previous evening's goji berry pao jiu consumption.
Unexpected Tube announcements
Anyone who has ever lived in South East London will know the singular joy of getting the driver who announces, in the manner of Our Graham from classic 90s Saturday night TV show Blind Date: 'We are now approaching....Peckhaaaaaam RYE!' and the warm feeling of solidarity as everyone on the carriage lets out a semi-pissed cheer. I recently stumbed across this Camden-Town-on-a-Saturday classic:
Please let the passengers off the train first. Please let the passengers off the train first. Please let the passengers off the train first. Let the passengers off the train FIRST! Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like Sardines, see if I care, I'm going home.
This brought with it a spectacular rush of homesickness, especially given that this would be entirely appropriate during the Spartan battlefield that is the Chinese rush hour. Instead, announcers on the Chengdu Metro inform me, on a seven-minute loop, that:
We are striving to build a safe, harmonious society, featuring courteous behaiour and people caring for each other. Therefore, please take good care of all kinds of public facilities and join Chengdu Metro in advocating courteous travel.
Shudder. And let's not forget the bus, which politely asks me three times between every stop not to carry any explosives on it.
Speaking of Tubes...don't the London ones have great names? Maida Vale. Limehouse. Elephant and Castle. We have theme parties about this s***, I know - I remember the Cockfosters costumes. Somehow 'Hi Tech Zone' and 'East Gate Big Bridge' don't cut the proverbial Colman's. There is one called Incubation Park though, which is slightly terrifying (WHAT ARE THEY INCUBATING??)
Airwaves chewing gum
Chewing gum in China runs the full gamut of flavours from pineapple to watermelon, incorporating all members of the citrus family and two kinds of strawberry. I don't want them. My average lunch consists of variations on meats slathered in chilli, braised in chilli oil and Sichuan peppers, and dipped in garlic - I want my sinuses blown apart by menthol, that is what I want.
The words 'yes' and 'no'.
These don't exist in Chinese. Often, questions are asked by offering an alternative ('is this your book?' becomes 'your book, is/is not?'; 'do you want to some tea?' becomes 'drink tea, want/not want?'). When responding to a question, you then choose an option: 'is' or 'is not'; 'want' or 'not want'. The more usual answer, however, is 'maybe'. Bloody, bloody 'maybe', bane of the life of the laowai. Examples of questions answered with this oracular cheese grater include:
So does the train leave at 5pm?
Will we be paid on 10th this month?
Do I have to go to Hong Kong for my visa in December?
When you said last week that holiday was confirmed for 1st - 10th June, is that definitely OK? Because I'm just about to book a plane ticket.
However. Once I'm back in the straight-talking, minty embrace of London I am sure that the same pangs of longing will strike regarding my Chinese life. The 20-dish dinners costing five quid a head; the sound of the turtle seller hawking his wares around the tea house; the joy of shrieking 'TAI GUI LE!', clicking my tongue and shaking my head until the motorbike taxi driver agrees to take me to work for 10 kuai, ducking and weaving through the crowds, balanced side-saddle on the back.
Though China has not been the love affair that other places have, it continues to challenge me on a daily basis, to the point that even something as everyday as answering a yes/no question ends up being a poignant reminder of how far I am from the culture I grew up in. It's this feeling that I wanted most from the move, one I value greatly and hope sticks with me. I just...I'd REALLY like that bag of crisps to value it with right about now...
- comments
Richard I love you. Upon your return we shall sit in a lovely London pub all day, and eat crisps, and drink pints, and all will be right with the world once again. X