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I have found myself in a quaint coffee shop in East Austin, trying to soak up the last hours of solitude that have been gifted to me. It amazes me how much I miss having what others would call "a normal life", something that I have found has been redefined for me this last year. What is normal to me now? Normal to me is spending my whole day with a lot of people. Constantly giving with little in return. Waking up every day not knowing what it will hold, but somehow putting myself together and taking it as it comes. I used to struggle with these things. But now I find myself missing them.
The holidays held a lot of busyness, enough to wear anyone out. After Christmas, we headed out with the kids on our vacation that we had planned and had been looking forward to all year (you can view our vacation at http://triptracker.net/trip/2959/, which has lots of pictures and journals). We loaded up the two vans with twenty-one people and headed off down the road, not sure what we were going to find. It was a good plan, especially after the very scheduled holidays we managed to weave through. We were free to roam for almost two weeks. A year ago, it would have scared me to death to travel two weeks with that many children. But I found that I really enjoyed it. We were able to see a large variety of things. We headed down the border of Texas and Mexico to the northernmost beach on the Gulf side. We followed the coast and cut across to just north of Mexico City to see the well-known pyramids. We then headed up Guadalajara, over the Puerto Vallarta and back up the east coast. We spent almost $400 in tolls for roads that are well below quality road conditions for the US. We were stopped by the police three times for an un-licensed trailer, but were lucky to walk away with no fines even after their threat of confiscating our trailer. We ran over two dogs and almost broke some legs on a cow, but were able to drive away only with rapidly beating hearts. It was a good experience to see how rich the culture is south of the border towns. It gave me a deeper appreciation for the Mexican people and their culture; and a clearer understanding of Juarez and it's border-town mentality. We returned mentally rested and ready for structure. The kids headed back to school with excitement to tell their friends of their "Christmas Vacation" and the staff started to focus on what lied ahead in the New Year.
The New Year has brought a lot of change. Since the construction of the orphanage is almost complete, he has redirected his focus on where he wants to see the orphanage go. We have been busy working out a vision and goals, reformatting our schedules so there is more time for the kids, and restructuring the staff. John has moved into the Intern Director role until July, a trial run for him. He is now responsible for the children, employees, and activities of the house. With these relieved responsibilities, Sergio is able to concentrate on his role with DIF (the social service system of Mexico) and overseeing the activities of the orphanage. He has given me the responsibility of the finances as of January as well. My role is to create an easier system for the finances and to assist John by being the "mom" of the house.
At the beginning of February, I celebrated one year at the orphanage. I found myself looking back and reflecting on the changes. It has been a pretty extreme year for me. It was spent trying to figure out how I fit in this crazy life with my low-key personality. Now I look ahead to the next few months. I have given Sergio a commitment of my time until the end of June. As already proven, these months will hold it's own unique set of challenges. I don't know if I will continue to stay after June, I am open to that but it is too early to make that decision. I have to focus on the time I have until then.
About three weeks ago, found myself at a place where I did not think I would be able to hold myself together until I had significant time to spend alone. In my adjustments, that is still one thing I lack or have not found a good balance in, making sure I have enough down-time. So I give until I have no more to give, then I crash. I try to plan time to recharge every three months but this time; in particular, I was looking forward to it. There are so many challenges surrounding my life right now and there was not time to sort them through. This is why I value and am protective of my downtime. A close friend of the orphanage offered to put me up in a house on a lake just outside of Austin, not knowing my growing need for solitude. I jumped at the chance. Everything has been taken care of, down to my gas, groceries, and repairs on my car. All I had to do was relax. I could not have asked for more. But in my solitude, I find surprising things. I understand that there are big challenges ahead but am trying not to focus on them. I want to be intentional instead of barely getting by each day. I wonder what July holds but do not want that to distract me from what I am today. But my biggest surprise is the realization of the parts of myself that have been put on hold due to what I am doing and how the lack of them over the course of a year has directly affected my effectiveness at the orphanage.
So in my comfortable chair at this calming coffee shop where I relax and sip my soothing latte, I wonder, "What is a normal life?" for me. I think about the last few days that I have had a taste of doing my own thing and wonder if I will see those days again. But I know at then end of the day, that I am supposed to close the book on a moment of wishful thinking and put my work boots on (a phrase from my childhood in farming) and not be swayed by waves of emotion. I realize that God has given me this time so that I can go back refreshed to continue what has been started. There is work to be done and children who depend on me. I know in my heart that I need to continue living out my life there and giving what I have to the children that I have come to love deeply. Because, for them and their lives, it makes a difference. So right now, my "normal life" will continue to consist of taking each day as it comes, enjoying what it gives me, and living it my best.
Blind faith… a phrase that has been ringing through my mind this whole week. Faith in itself is a hard concept to understand and put into practice. It is about stepping out, not knowing if there will be a step there to catch you. However, blind faith is choosing to close your eyes while doing so. This… is what I am learning. Yet another aspect of living out my name.
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