Emotions, emotions, emotions…

Volunteering at Casa Guatemala (CG) means that you are literally sitting in a roller coaster…a roller coaster of feelings and emotions that can change within a second without any warning whatsoever!

So when you first arrive at CG you go through various stages…you are overwhelmed by place and all the kids that constantly surround you asking you all these questions that you first don't understand - depending on your Spanish level of course - everything is different and new and you take your time to get used to this "random place in the jungle" which will be your home for the next couple of months. You slowly adapt to this new lifestyle while having to face many different challenges along the way, solving various problems and trying to build relationships with the kids which is not as easy as you might think. There are some kids, especially the little ones that easily trust you and that want your attention all the time. So you give them love and affection as well as a lot of attention and that's pretty much all they want and need; however, with the big boys and girls it is very different as you need to work hard on gaining their trust and building a relationship with them. Step by step you get to know them better, learn about their individual preferences and needs, find out what they like and dislike and you slowly approach them showing them in different ways that they can, indeed, rely on you and trust you. After a while, you start feeling comfortable at CG and it slowly becomes your home. You know what this means, right?! Yes, you start developing feelings for the kids and you suddenly realize how much you already love them…a creeping process which you do not really perceive until you suddenly understand how much these kids actually mean to you, and I am talking mainly about my Varones Grandes, of course. Being an Orientadora means, as a downside that you don't really get to spend a lot of time with the other kids because you mainly work with your kids at home instead of doing activities with different groups of kids such as the other volunteers; however, it also means that you are able to build much closer relationships with your kids and the time you spend with them is a lot more intense. Even though we have our breaks in between, it really is a 24/7 job, just like being a dad or a mum, and you pretty much know everything about your kids…what do they look like in the morning, random noises they make, what makes them upset, what do they like, what are their strength and weaknesses, et etc…you get so close to them and you share their home with them - the four walls where everyone shows their true face and where we all are like we are because CG is a place where no one can hide his true personality!

When I went on my first descanso with MC, I already realized how much I miss them and this feeling only grew stronger during my second and third descanso. Over the last past weeks, the relationships I have already built with my boys became a lot more intense and I don't even want to think about the moment I have to leave…I can only be glad that my love is picking me up which will hopefully ease the pain and make it a bit easier for me! You know, there are days where everything is just going wrong, where some of your boys misbehave while others getting in trouble somewhere else or simply having a bad day and you ask yourself "what the hell am I actually doing here?" And then one of the boys suddenly says to you out of the blue without any context "Anna, I don't want you to leave in January" and you just freeze and look at him with tears in your eyes and then you just hug him and you feel how much you care for this one boy… one of the most beautiful moments at CG - one of these moments that make you forget the rest and all the "bad stuff" that just happened before and you know exactly why you are there and what you are doing at CG!

Or there are some kids that just constantly come and hug you without even knowing you so even though it is cute and you are happy to give them affection and hug them back, I want to be honest and tell you that it obviously does not mean as much as if one of the big boys, someone who hardly hugs anyone or shows affection in that sense, comes and gives you a hug….I almost cried when that happened and it still makes me feeling proud - proud that my hard work of trying to gain their trust and love slowly comes to fruition. And I only realize more how much these boys mean to me and how much I love them…

Besides that we had a few farewells which only stirred up strong feelings and I must say that, for whatever reasons, everything feels more intense at CG anyway…whatever emotions you currently feel, everything feels just stronger and more intense. So when my biggest boys had graduation (finished sixth grade at CG and will continue at another school in case they have a sponsor for that) I had tears in my eyes and I was just so touched…I thought this is how a mother must feel when she sees her kids graduation from school - immensely proud and filled with love and happiness! Unfortunately, this day also meant that school finished for this year. A lot of our kids still have parents but they are disadvantaged and a lot of them cannot afford to send their kids to other schools or take care of them the entire year so they stay at CG with us. So when school finished for this year at the end of October, a lot of these kids leave to spend the Christmas holidays at home and they are only coming back at the beginning of January. By saying that, it means that I know that I won't see them when they are coming back so I already had so say goodbye to 18 of my boys…this was such a sad day for me going through many different stages in "the roller coaster of emotions at CG"!

On top of that we had to farewell one of my favorite volunteers: Bart from Australia. He has been here for several months and he was just such a great asset to the team and a highly valuable member. So when it was time to say goodbye to him at the pier, I just couldn't hold it back and I cried…I think I also already pictured the moment when I have to say goodbye to everything and this even made me cry more. One of my boys who is also someone who usually does not show to much affection, came up to me and he hugged me asking "Anna, but why do you cry, he is coming back" and I said "yeah, I know but I won't be here when he is coming back" so he asked me "but when are you coming back?" So there I am, sitting at the pier, crying because Bart has to leave us, having one of my favorite boys in front of me and looking at me with big eyes full of love and hope asking me when I will be back….how can you answer this question without destroying this hope? Well, I think at this point I already made my decision anyway of definitely coming back to at least visit the kids so I said "love, I am not sure when but I will definitely come back to visit you, that's for sure" and we just hugged each other…another beautiful moment at CG that I will never forget!