"Semplicemente, vorrei essere con te….Simply, I want to be with you"…….
It was one year ago today that my entire world shifted. I was sitting in my grungy New York apartment when I got the news my grandfather had passed from this world.You can never truly prepare yourself for a death of a loved one, I do remember sitting on the bathroom floor with Dolce, my little hairy best friend, on my leg…I cried for hours alone. Looking back, I wasn't crying because he was gone from this world, I was crying…because I had wanted him to see me reach my full potential while he was here on this earth.We had a very private conversation before his passing where I made a lot of promises to him, promises more importantly to myself….promises that would only lead me to the path I am on at this moment in time.He knew of my travel plans, he knew I was ready to get out of the horrible former relationship I was in, and he knew I'd be quitting my job.He also knew he wasn't making it to Passover dinner last year.It was the last night I saw him alive, that my former partner said to him…"We will see you at the Seder."Both my former partner and my grandpa didn't make it to the Seder last year.
One year today and I have completely restarted. I moved countries, closed down New York, past relationships, traveled through Italy, and part of Australia, got a new job and set up a whole new life very far away from everything and everyone that I know.I wouldn't call it strength as much as I would call it persistence.Realizing unhappiness and putting the fear aside to dream, regardless of the outcome that you can't actually totally control.
I went to work today with only a smile on my face.Yes, I have deadlines, yes there is so much work to do and it is a stressful crucial time…but, I have become who I wanted my grandpa to see I have kept all of my promises…above all I'm happy.
It would be amazing if life were so simple that anything you desire you receive.However, changing or altering your existence and how you see and interact with the world can be quite complicated.Changing patterns especially. It has been a "promise" and goal of mine this year to find out who I am, what I really want and then not look back.This process has been difficult and very trying.Starting with my relationships.After finally releasing myself from the horrid relationships I was in, emptying my cup to refill it properly…at moments I still find myself in a panic state.
A few weeks ago I went out for a dinner with a girlfriend of mine. She is married and 2 years older than I' am. Throughout the dinner she was saying, don't worry you can go out speed dating, get on line, you will find someone Ilyssa! When I explained to her that I wasn't looking for anyone at the moment, because I was determined to see this relationship with my Italian through…she commented that my life would be a lot easier if I would just let that go, and find an Australian man.Some how we got on the topic of children, she asked me if I wanted to have kids, I said yes….She asked if I had gotten fertility tested…Um, no….no reason to yet…She then went on to ask me if I couldn't have kids, would I adopt? My response was yes, and she told me adopting in Australia was quite a process and if I was considering it I should probably get on the wait list now….I left dinner and truly wanted to take a Zanex.ALL of my issues rose to the table, and I found myself sweating, breaking out in hives, completely freaked out.I sat in front of my computer, thinking…what if she's right? What if I am wasting my time? Do I really know this Italian guy?That's when I lost complete control and started googling "questions to ask someone before you get married"…I figured, I better not waste anymore time, only ask questions when you are ready to hear the answers, and I was in a frantic crisis OMG I'm turning 30 haze and ready to get answers. Copy…paste….email…sent, over 300 questions to the Italian.Questions about religion, politics, family, kids, birth control, fertility, you name it the question was on there.The next morning I woke up, looked in my sent box, and realized what I had done. Complete nutter moment, absolutely insane.I started writing emails trying to explain myself, anything to cover up my idiocy.Instead of "How to lose a guy in 10 days" it was more like…"How to lose a guy in 5 minutes".Nothing I could write would cover up the fact that I had lost complete control of my emotions.I should note here, that I let all of my girl friends issues become my own.She was ready to have a baby, she was the one who decided not to travel and settle down, she was the one who used speed dating.It's good to remember that one person's experiences do not have to be your own.I learned from that experience to only trust myself, only listen to myself. Now is not the time to get anxiety ridden about things I cannot control.I vowed to myself if I ever heard from him again after that, I would just allow myself to go with the process, and never again get caught up in someone else's fears.
A few days later, as I waited somewhat impatiently…I received an email from my Italian.He had answered all 300 questions.Not only did he answer them, but he actually put thought into it, he asked questions about things he didn't understand due to language difficulty, he wrote side notes and made me laugh.I will admit that my jaw dropped to the ground when I saw his email in my inbox.It wasn't that he just answered the questions; it was how he answered the questions and the fact that he didn't once judge me for sending it. Did I mention that his Uncle had died that week…and he had a lot of his own family issues to tend to first?It has not only been this instance where I have seen this mans true capacity to put aside himself, to ensure I am well and cared for…even being on the other side of the world. I have 6 weeks until I go to Florence.I have no idea what will happen once I get there. I know that people think it is a fantasy…I don't believe it is a fantasy. The effort that is required on both ends to be a part of each others everyday lives, the support that's needed, and the heartache that's felt when special or disappointing moments and or occasions can't be shared properly make the fantasy disappear all too quickly.I can only go with how I feel at the moment.Which are my sentiments at the top of this page… Semplicemente, vorrei essere con te….Simply, I want to be with you….
August will be my 6-month mark at my new company, and according to Australian law at that time I must say goodbye, unless I get sponsorship.My company has said they would like to sponsor me to stay in Australia.This is a huge deal for both parties involved.A younger Ilyssa would have been impulsive, not thought, said yes right away…but the older, more experienced Ilyssa has finally decided to stop being so impulsive, slow down and think before I act.Obtaining a visa for permanent residency costs a lot of money and time.I want to ensure that I can do the job for this foundation that I said I could do. For the first time in my life I believe in what I'm doing, I share the vision of the people I work with, and I respect them.I only want to stay in Australia if it's where I really should be.Going from it only being a year, to being permanent has been a bit difficult for me to swallow. I truly thought the decision would be a bit easier on my end, I know people here who would kill for this opportunity.It's a matter of me ensuring a few things.The first being that I do love my family, and I consider them, the second being that I have come to a point in my life where I am ready for stability, possibly a family, and the third a rewarding career.Not being impulsive has led me to ask others and myself tough questions.Starting with the immigration lawyer, and my foundation.I have after serious contemplation decided to move ahead with the process for a visa…As long as I believe in what I'm doing here, my foundation is happy, I'm happy, and I have options it feels like the right thing to do.Part of my growing experience has been learning to not be selfish, possibly open myself to the idea of letting someone into my life..At the moment I can't define it but I am seeing things in a different light.Possibly it's the environment here, possibly it is because I have felt the shift I needed to feel, the work I needed to feel complete, possibly it is because I may have found the right person… but I'm feeling ready to incorporate someone else into my plans.I have never before been able to do this.Ever. Regardless of the outcome from Italy in May, I have sat back and asked the questions to the proper people to ensure future security not just for myself…but also for the first man in my life I have ever felt I wanted to share anything of consequence with.None of my planning can go wrong. The reason for this is simply I have secured my own future first, and if its right and we dream big, we will have what we want. If it all goes to crap, I at the very least now know that I am capable of letting someone in, I needed to know I could do that properly. A heart can heal from pain,life goes on to open more beautiful rewarding doors as long as you are willing to move forward.
Passover was a very big deal for me this year.It was the first Passover I have ever prepared after years of watching my mom and doing nothing.This year I decided, I would give it my best shot.This gave my mom a bit of job.Including writing out all the recipes, conversions, basically doing everything except the cooking.By doing it this way, I felt we were able to share the holiday together even though I am on the other side of the world.Thank god for Skype! I had 15 people at my Seder, and only one other Jew.My table could have been the UN round table representing countries included Russia, China, India, Ireland, Scotland, Australia, Kenya, UK, and the United States…Sitting at the head of the table with my closest friends from Australia around me made me realize possibly I have really found something here.Everyone different religions, different backgrounds, but we all came together to celebrate "tradition".How amazing would it be if the world learned a lesson from all of this…a lesson of peace.My parents woke up at 4am to be a part of my Seder. My dad made hilarious jokes, and my mom sang the songs and participated in the prayers.It really felt as if they were here….At the end of the night I sat back and felt as if I really had accomplished something special, and I had.
I'm realizing that innovation is the key to successful living…coupled with dreaming courageously always...