I thought possibly I would give some background on why i' am here, and why I went to Italy and am not sitting behind a desk, working at the moment...I have also decided that I will be using this blog as a personal way to express my journey and what is happening in my life. If anything..its my own personal psychologist...who doesn't give any advice, and i am okay with that!
I should start with I bought this ticket to Australia a year ago. During one of my moments when I wsa in NY and having a nervous breakdown, because I hated my job, my life, relationship ect ect. I had all these plans to go, get the work visa, stay, find myself...and then 700 people got layed off from my job. I panicked, was training for the nyc marathon, and decided I needed another job. I pushed australia off. I took a job I knew I hated...(again), but told myself I need to save money before I can go, I need to work, I need to stay....all fear.
In December, my "roommate" 85 years old a woman i was caring for died, at the same time, the new job was horrible and her family was trying to kick me out of the apartment. I was in medical debt from having 3 stress fractures and a rotated hip from the marathon, and I truly had no where to go, my new job wouldnt pay the bills for a new apartment in new york. Somehow...I have stayed in that apartment as a squatter, while the land lord is insane it has work to my advantage. A few short months later, everyday not knowing if i would have a place to live, my grandfather fell very ill and was spirling down....
I made frequent visits to Baltimore on the weekends, I rebooked australia for June 28th, not knowing if my grandpa would make it to that point or not. sadly he did not. That day marked a huge shift in me. A shift that I still have not gotten a good grasp on. It has only been a few times while traveling that I have really felt he isn't here any longer. While being away I have realized he really was like my father, but more than that...he was my friend. He gave me 150% of his attention and his time and advice. Although I have realized his advice was...not really the direction that was best for me, i know in my heart or I choose to believe that he was looking out for what he thought was best for me, he was going by what he had experience with and what he knew. Ive come to realize i'm actually the exact oppositie of all the plans he had for me. Yet still in one of my last encounters he said "i'm always here with you, im not going anywhere". He was right, in my quiet moments when i'm really scared, and feel very lonely, he is there, and I can feel his hands, and his breath and hear his words...and then he passes again.... I quit my awful job in april and I proposed the idea to go to Italy with my mom, as a way to decompress for both of us after he died and spend some time together. So we did, and had a fabulous time. Again I wanted to go Italy. I went. I cant tell you how many people along the way, including myself told me not to go to Australia, just use australia as a holiday ect ect. I had pushed the trip once again to july 28th...I had till august to use my ticket. I had 3 days in new york to get back on the plane to go to australia, and even up until an hour before i boarded the 27 hour flight....The ticket counter told me tht my work visa for oz was no longer applicable because I had a deadline of july 18th. I almost turned around when they said that...But i got on the plane...and here I am. finally.
I am in search of a few things...the first is myself. Truly myself. Meaning who the hell am I? What do I really want? and where do I want all of that?
The second is GOD. and no...i'm not a weirdo, but I mean something spiritual, something that is mine. Something I really believe in that will give me guidance, show me the light, I can hold on to when i'm scared, and happiness inside myself.
The third is some clarity. Clarity on what is next, I dont need someone to hold my hand through it, but show me the door and I'll open it.
While on my travels in Italy I was telling a girl about how I hadn't been able to write in days and how I ws writing a book about my experiences from the past 3 years (hopefully finding my happy ending through travel) she recommended I read Eat, Pray,Love...she said WOW, it sounds like you are doing exactly what this woman did! So i picked up a copy, read it, and then said damnit! this woman sold 5 million copies and now a movie! I have great stories....who wouldn't wanna read those...hahah! but truthfully, my hopes and dreams of one day becoming an author are secondary to finding the right path. Her story was intriguing for multiple reasons. She was in a bad situation, she wasn't happy, she picked up and she made a change and said ENOUGH. It takes balls...for a lack of better terminology. We don't have to be sheep if we dont want to be...I have no expectation that I will find what she found, as my stories from the past 3 years are very different, and my traveling experience has been very different. What I feel is the same, is that I had enough. Enough of 80/20 relationships, enough of work that made me wanna jump off a bridge, enough of relationships that made me feel horrible about myself, and got nothing in return except settling. I restart. Whereever that takes me...the road is lonley, but I feel that is the way it is truly supposed to be when you want real answers.
I hope you will enjoy what I have to share with you and what i'm learning...because they are lessons I would have never seen or realized if I hadn't gotten out.