Saturday 9th october
The boys woke up on the edge of the canyon early which meant s*** could be achieved that day. the grand canyon was amazing but like all the other scenery experienced so far on the trip, it was hard to describe so check out the photos. anyway the blog is about drinking piss and being filthy and no-one wants to hear about scenery. Some of the more daring members of the group (eddy), had a ball at the canyon hanging off some of the treacherous drops to get some great snaps, scaring more feminine members of the group (harper).so after a quick bbq in the carpark raising more than the odd eyebrow, the boys were off unscathed aiming to hit up flagstaff arizona for the evening.once again harper had done his research on university towns and he personally reckoned this one was a goer.getting there in reasonable time, the boys checked out a couple of hostels only to find no room for 11 respectable men from the other side of the world.so it was into a dodgy motel down the road checking in for 6 people but squeezing 11 into the beds.having a bbq and a few bevies outside the motel attracted an unlikely pair called mike and I cant remember the other guys name.in exchange for the use of our bbq, they bought us a whole pile of meat to cook.they seemed like a genuine couple of friendly lads but it wasn't until the drinking session moved inside to our room that things took a turn for the worst.mike began explaining to the lads how he was an active member of the KKK and the Aryan brotherhood. while the lads found this all pretty interesting, and to be honest quite funny, mike obviously took his rascism very seriously as he went on to explain how he had personally executed 3 " ******s".things were going pear-shaped as mike got drunker and drunker and the boys kept egging on his s*** s*** yarns.however even though mike was keen to come to town with the boys and spout his white supremacy chat, the lads somehow managed to bin him on the walk into town, thank f***. Harpers prediction was fairly accurate in town as the boys cut loose in the first bar attracting a number of women around their tables, including balf with a Navajo Indian women.balf wasted his night on Pocahontas, walking home with her only to have her brother pull up in a car and take her away.eddy for some unknown reason managed to kiss a smoking hot female, but managed to blow it as the piss bought on his speech impediments.randy andy went home with another female who serenaded him with some classical piano music and pumpkin pie.richard managed to haul in a sensual lady for the choppers, she was tall that's a given, and also sword managed to remain sober for ten minutes to get up to his nuts in some squashed mango.jake the creep managed to put his hand under the table and slip a couple of ultra sneaky digits in some randy birds snatch under the table, whilst all the boys were sitting around it.all in all it was a pretty successful evening for the lads with the ladies of flagstaff, most of the boys who were on the market were able to get within a one metre radius of sheilas.it must be noted here that harper on arrival back at whispering winds motel had a little trouble with the doorlock to his room. never mind the key- harper reckons a pair of size 9 ariat boots through the c*** will sort that out.
It was a big days drive to get through to san diego, home of the channel four news team, so the boys were up early and on the road, before they had to explain harpers indescrepancies with the door frame.once again the scenery was pretty sick-desert scenes with classic cactuses, straight from a western movie.the boys stopped in at bylers amish kitchen which turned out to be hillbilly as f***.two middle aged waitresses were having multiple orgasms over 11 strapping kiwi lads accents and could not control their excitement. they came out to take photos of the bus, one of the ladies even shaking as she attempted to take photos.pity the lads couldn't stay longer as it was a sure bet with the pumas, but it was back on the road again.a few of the boys indulged in some magic fungi purchased back in santa cruz, which made the next leg of the journey fairly interesting for them, especially when stopping for half an hour at some massive sand dunes from the star wars movies.it was a fairly uneventful evening into san diego that night, apart from smashing over the boys personal favourite burger joint jack-in-the-box, before heading into a walmart carpark for a quiet night.
The plan for the day was to head into san diego zoo, the worlds most famous zoo. getting there before opening time, the usual scene was created as the boys mauled breakfast and ran through their bathroom routines in the carpark. The whole morning was spent at the zoo as the lads split into two groups and comprehensively smashed the whole park, taking in polar bears, grizzlies, seals, giraffes, silverbacks, elephants, and even a kiwi nocturnal house. pretty much the usual s*** at a zoo but in a way cooler park. the highlight for all the boys was definitely the orang-utan enclosure, where a primate entertained all the boys by rolly-polling his whole enclosure (see video), ensuring that the lads had picked up a new dance manoeuvre. The boys moved from the zoo out to ocean beach for a game of touch and a swim before locating a beachside bar to smack back 2 dollar fish tacos (calm down) and some wet brown liquid. With the lads swiftly getting silly as the beers hit the spot, it took a motivated effort to hit the road and get on up the coast to los angeles. Sword took the liberty of sober driving while the lads got on it, taking one for the team as his rectum struggled with the effects of grade 7 IPRS (itchy poo rim sting) and chronic bum-wees. It wasn't too far into los angeles, as gus locked in the whiskey-a-go-go bar into the GPS, a bar where big name bands like GnR have started off in Hollywood. A few of the lads tucked into the piss big time creating a bit of havoc in there, but in reality it was a quiet Monday night and quite expensive, the boys crashing in the bus listening to fishers sweet yarns and eating his jalapeno crisps.
It was exciting times for the boys the next morning as they had a date with dr phil, personally being invited to be in his audience.they had to be at paramount studios at 8 in the morning for the live recording, so naturally some of the boys were f***ing piss crook.this didn't stop fisher from chucking back a couple of hefty vodkas before heading in, slyly being one of the big name diesel operators for the whole trip.the whole thing was farcical as f***, but the boys were only there for a laugh, and laugh they did when fisher was asked to stumble on stage and dance for the crowd, picking up a sneaky dr phil coffee mug for his mocking. Dr phil came out eventually and the lads listened attentively as he counselled a white trash sex addict, then a pastor called brian who had five kids and was addicted to herion and meth.it made for scintillating viewing and some of the guests were less than ecstatic as their names got called out from the audience in kiwi accents, followed by delirious cackling. At the interval the boys were separated in the audience and told to calm down a bit. this didn't stop eddie however as he moved onto the stage for his dance. Being at the peak of evolution, eddie thought hed re-enact the orangutansdance from the previous morning and rolly-polly round the stage, much to the dismay of the other contending females who were taking their dance moves fairly seriously. He didn't get a mug but was rewarded instead by having to sit through some w***er called lances life story about beating his wife and kids etc, for the next 2 hours.while it dragged on a bit the whole experience was a crack up and there were plenty of yarns shared as the boys hopped on the bus and headed to santa monica pier for the afternoon. Unsuccessfully looking for a place to jump off the pier, the boys found a group of maori girls down on the beach and had a game of touch with them before a cheeky wee dip.a group decision was made in the late afternoon to head up the coast from LA to santa Barbara to get out of the hustle and bustle, and also hutchy had a couple of cobbs he wanted to see. A late start on the drinking front and the fact that it was a Tuesday deterred a few boys from heading into santa barbaras bars, opting for a quiet night.however rich eddy Wilson balf and harper ventured out to explore, eventually spending their evening at some rock bar smashing gin and tonics.after annoying the locals and a couple of French t*** , they headed back to the bus hammered drunk, and with balf at the helm, attempted to drive out of the carpark with the rest of the lads asleep in the back of the bus. In a rare state of maturity, spud got balf away from the wheel and took the boys to the nearest jack-in-the-box, where they were promptly kicked out after balf and eddy threw harper over the counter. The boys then moved on down to a beach where balf rich eddy and Wilson lit a small fire to smoke a doob round. A small fire turned into a ridiculous one as rich turned schizophrenic and started fueling the fire with random materials stolen from the surrounding mansions.with police headlights making their way down the beach it was time to bail around the headland where Richard assured the boys they would get away.with water swiftly heading around knee deep and waves crashing, it was time to hoist each other up a wall into the front yard of some celebritys front yard.with rich scarily confident and in control, it was back over a couple more fences before sleeping a few hours in four deck chairs overlooking the pacific. After waking up shivering the boys headed on back to the bus parked up in the beach carpark.
The lads were rudely awoken the next morning when balf was kicked by a policeman as he slept underneath the bus. Apparently the lads were parked illegally and a celebrity in the area had laid a complaint, although the pig wouldn't tell the boys exactly who the celebrity was. He said it was a musician, and jack Johnson had a house in the area, so the boys claimed it.anyway the cop started off being a w***er, but in the end was pretty goofy, making the boys line up against the side of the bus to get mug shots. He told the boys how once he pulled up two Australians with a bag of weed and made them sing the Australian national anthem with their cowboy hats on. Evading the long arm of the law once again the lads headed on back into town to the main beach. Cranking up the barby in the beach carpark saw some high and mighty carpark wardenb**** get snarky and threaten to fine us and call the cops. Before she was kinghit by 11 separate killer headbutts, she called in her boss who cracked up laughing at us, sat round spun a few yarns then went and signed the bus. A game of touch on the beach turned into league, which turned into a communal laughing fit as harper dislocated his little toe, displaying better facials than legendary 70s porn star john holmes. The plan for the evening was another night in santa Barbara, this time checking in properly to an rv park and having a court session for the trip. The first keg was bought for the trip, a top drop at the sickenly low price of eighty dollars, and was placed at the front of the bus. Balf was judge for the session, and all the boys had a seat each, called up one at a time to defend their fines which had been written up the previous evening. The lads had 6 fines each, some absolute rippers were produced ranging from gus being a sexpest, eddy cockblocking himself regularly, sword s***ting himself, balf firetrucking everything to preston being a metro dog f***ing f*****. On the flip side some really s*** defences were produced which resulted in a fair bit of skulling. With the bucket handy, randy andy was the first to blow chunks, which set off a rampant chain of vomiting from all the lads, the funniest spew possibly coming from Wilson the grizzly bear, laughing the whole time. Sword, who was still having rectal issues, was a mickey whisker away from letting some faecal matter go in the bucket as well. By the end of the court session, the boys were absolutely steamrolled, balf had tipped at least 30 litres of vomit into a skip bin, and gus was more than obliging to drink drive the lads into town. With the boys parked in a downtown carpark it was open slaughter on the main street as the lads hooked into the local bars.the only horsecock that didn't spew at the court session, fischer, was left in the bus passed out in the back. When the boys all came back from town they woke fisher up and he walked off the bus in barefeet, jeans and pink singlet into town at 3 in the morning.
Being booted out of the carpark early in the morning, it was back to the rv park that the boys had originally paid the night for. There was one lad missing, fischer, the last anyone had seen of him was when he waltzed out of the bus by himself in the middle of the night. After waiting two hours for him, the lads on the brink of leaving for LA without him, he arrived at the RV park dressed in plastic shopping bags for shoes, black jeans, a pink bombora singlet and a Mexican poncho. He entertained the boys for a solid ten minutes on what he could remember from his night, which was f*** all- he remembers waking up in an abandoned house covered in a poncho. Not knowing whether he was even in santa Barbara or not, he found a bus station but wasn't allowed on the bus because of his barefeet. Resourefulness kicked in as fischer scrounged through the rubbish bin for shopping bag shoes, and some borrowed money of a helpful local ensured fischer made it back to Christine just in time.
So it was on the road again, back down the pacific coast highway to LA again, as some of the lads had to fly out the next day back to the real world. This was the last drive for the boys and christine so it was emotional times as the lads started punching in the doors and windows. One particular grizzly paw went straight through a back window. Care factor seemed to be at all time lows as the drivers started to hit road signs and wheely bins in broad daylight, the west coast grizzly bear again the culprit, flattening a series of road works signs. First stop for the day was Hollywood for a look down Hollywood boulevard at the stars on the pavement. Over-rated being the functional word here, as the lads found looking at all the weirdos and homeless c*** far more interesting. After a sneaky graze at hooters with some worthless dog-f***ing bimbos, it was a gentle drive into the Hollywood hills, to get some better snaps of the Hollywood sign on the hill. Some pretty cool shots were taken up there with Christine in the foreground goofing off, then it was down to Venice beach after andy had taken out a few wheelie bins. Here the boys checked into a fairly standard backpackers for a shower, and set about getting ready for the night. Effectively this was the last evening of the trip as four boys had to leave the next day, so a group meal at a byo seemed an obvious choice to send the trip off. Heading into the Italian restaurant with a bottle of fine red wine each (Wilson 2 bottles), things initially seemed to be fairly civilised as the boys reminisced over the previous 6 weeks. However wine does funny things to people and it wasn't too long before the waitress was getting blatantly hit on, some borderline comments getting thrown her way, and eddy was screaming his best Tasmanian devil impression. Bloated as f*** the lads stumbled on down the street to irish bar brennans-home of turtle racing. Crowds turned up here every Thursday to watch sexy girls place four turtles in the middle of a circle and watch them race to the outside of the circle. Pretty weird and pretty gay until gus ripped his gruts off and threw them into the middle of the circle for a security guard to pick up. Tiring of the drawn out process with the shelled-slugs, andy and sword tried to make some headway with a couple of Swedish birds. Things seemed to be going well until the rest of the boys couldn't pass up the opportunity for one last stab at some c*** blocking-gus throwing his undies in andys girls face, and fischer going into great detail to the other Swedish bird about the length of swords penis and how it was going to pierce her kidneys and possibly her diaphragm. With only half the group of boys left charging at brennans, it was up to andy to bring home the bacon. Bring it home he did meeting a bloke called Wetzel who was camper than a row of tents. Wetzel was one of those over-the-top flamboyant knob-jockeys, and had no worries telling andy how much he would like to stick his tongue right down andys mouth. Shocking andy even more by explaining how much he liked "spooge" all over his chest, he moved over to gus and balf, whom andy had cleverly told Wetzel were a gay couple looking for a third party. Wetzel informed gus and balf that- "you new Zealand homos are soooo great", before resting his crotch on balfs knee and stroking his back. Being sexually harassed by a rampant tailgunner was a new experience for the boys, but thankfully Wetzel was thrown out of the bar. Upon exiting the bar, the boys witnessed three separate cat fights which were awesome viewing-go Venice Beach. Back at the backpackers a full-blown party was raging in the carpark inside Christine, possibly the biggest to date. A whole pile of randoms,including backpacker staff, and a few of the fellas were drinking wine and smoking massive doobskys inside and on the roof of the bus with music cranking. the party rajed for a couple of hours, balf passing out and his face becoming a canvas for the mature scribbles of his mates. Big Wilson had managed to somehow get his paws onto a lusty wee English bird back at brennans and had bought her back to the bus to maul before hibernation. The boys all decided to leave the bus and let Wilson get down to business, heading back inside the backpackers to pass out.
The final weekend of the trip will be posted in the next few days.. watch this space..