Friday the 15th
After the boys headed inside to pass out, they awoke to find out that big bear had the same thing in mind, waking fully clothed next to a hot older bird. His frustration was apparent as he was heard later that morning in the youth hostel toilet cursing his premature hibernation. With the bear content to spend the better part of the day spooning the sheila in the dark crowded hostel dorm the rest of the boys decided to head to fatburger for Balfs last supper, leaving the horny grizzly to try his luck at getting his fingers into some warm sticky honey! Balf and Eddy were the only ones man enough to tuck into the XXXL Fatburger, with grease and calories dripping down their chin and throat. Note: Balf went and unlocked the safe to retrieve his camera for the first time since the start of the trip to photograph a burger… but his battery was flat! (muppet).
After Lunch it was time for four of the crew of Kristine to depart the States. Andy, Balf and Spud, followed later on by a distracted bear said there goodbyes and left. Balf not wanting to leave the country looking relatively normal decided to don a cowboy hat and draw with vivid on his face a dirty chopper moustache for customs, it was seen that Andy also joined the party later on with some impressive chops too.
With those creeps gone the rest of the boys decided to pull finger and leg it to an ice hockey game. Predicting the unreasonable alcohol prices at the game, 2 litres of cheap Bacardi was poured into water bottles and smashed to bits and pieces on the 1 1/2 hr bus ride. On this journey there was a chance encounter with a young, pasty, frizzy haired girl who claimed to be a model/actor/singer. After pouring some disgusting raro sh*t into our precious spirits (and ruining it the bi*tch) someone got her number as she promised to take us to a VIP rooftop party with models (yarn). So we got to the game, which was way better live then on TV with some epic hits and a two-man gloves off brawl on the ice mid-way through. After the game the lads decided to head back to the hostel area so they weren't proper fu*&ed in downtown LA for the night with no ride home. On return Gus, Fischer and Eddy purchased a big bottle and 3 hip flasks of vodka to drink up, but found that Rich, Sword (Harper and Preston on their last night in LA! Fags!) decided to go to bed. So deeming it too late for town, the last three weapons spent the rest of the night demoing darts, vodka and a parsley cigarette with horsecock hostel worker Nate in his car and watching funny sh*t on youtube till 6am.
Saturday the 16th
Saturday morning began with a slowly building hostility from the owner of the youth hostel. For some reason he had his doo-rag in a twist about only 2 people paying for accommodation when 4 people stayed in the hostel and 3 in the bus in the car park. Sh*t started getting out of hand when no f*cker wanted to pay any $ cos they had none, so with the threat of police intervention within the last few days of the trip a compromise was made, paid and Kristine and crew got the f*%k outta there.
The boys said goodbye to two more seasoned campaigners as queer eye for the straight guy contestant Kieran Preston and Egyptian Seik/Sherpa Ben Herpa made their way up to Canadia land. Eddy, Gus, Sword, Fischer and Rich took Kristine to a largely Hispanic walmart to regather/harass the pasty, curly model/entertainer girl they met on the train the night before. Outrageously enough she responded, inviting the final 5 to her downtown apartment which she shares with another supposed model. With news of this Gus and Sword especially, were chomping at the bit (you could smell the pre-cum) so after flagging dinner (its for kids) and picking up only the bare essentials: 3 x 1.75 litre bottles of 40% vodka for a meagre $9 a pop, they set forth to this palace of pleasure.
After haggling with a dodgy car park warden, Kristine chilled out as the boys made their way to a surprisingly flash apartment block. They were met at the elevator by pasty-curly's flatmate, a little Nubian pint-sized pixie who took them up to her room and into another random yarn of a night. As always the ratio was 2 to 5, but minus girfriended Fischer (and you could probably just about drop Eddy out as well) you were left with a 2 x 3 ratio. Now if you were a betting man you would have your money on Rich and Gus here. All you would have to do is look at the form book and you would see that while Sword is a f*$ken absolute c#ck rocket out of the blocks, he usually ends up asleep on the tracks! By this point everyone was as parched as an arabs gym shoe so all involved leant into some solid vodkas. After awhile curly-pasty decided to make popcorn (an absolute [email protected]#k up) while the others harassed her minature c*nt of a dog. Fischer and Gus pooped outside for a sneaky dart where Gus secretly expressed his desire to ever so gently bed the small Nubian. Meanwhile upstairs Rich had some plans of his own and hastily took curly-pasty for a late night stroll to the convenience store (with a possible detour to pleasure town) with that little c*nt of a dog. Well over an hour later Rich graced us with his presence yet again and told stories of how he got s*** for walking such a gay dog. It was what he didn't tell us till later that was the better story of the two.
After getting darts the big man took curly-pasty back to Kristine. It is at this juncture in the story that curly-pasty will now be referred to as crazy-bitey. In the bus, on the bbq with the dog watching and the girl biting, Rich found himself in a slightly more morbid version of pleasure town then the one on Anchorman. Rich's conquest would be the last tally for the choppers, for Kristine and for the trip. Hats off to the big friendly giant. It's a way better way to spend your night then giving small children good dreams during the witching hour!
In the meantime Fischer was wandering around the apartment with the crazy-bitey's poncho and reading glasses, Sword was dancing manically, Eddy was eating cinnamon popcorn, and Gus was sexpesting the f*#k out of mini Nubian. Fischer made a deal with the Nubian that if she let him take crazy-bitey's poncho then she could keep his beanie (which he grabbed out of crazy-bitey's wardrobe) Crazy-bitey then applied copious amounts of makeup to Eddy and Fischer, randomly biting them both on several occasions during the process. Then…
Gus spewed in the toilet.
Nubian spewed in the toilet.
Gus and the Nubian went to bed.
They were seen there later comad out and completely clothed……
Shoulda put money on Sword!
Sunday the 17th
Sunday saw Sword, Eddy and Gus depart the final leg of the trip after a bizarre night with the small Nubian and scizo-f*#king-phrenic girl. Rich and Fischer were now pretty much f*#ked. With $60-odd between them and days to kill before extradition they hit a supermarket and bought $22 worth of groceries. This consisted of sausages, bread, ketchup, water and some duct-tape (for a lung). Next stop was Venice beach, anchoring Kristine 3 blocks back from the boardwalk in-between the 70-odd homeless yuppies that lived inside their rundown campervans on the streets. Rich led the charge down to the beach where within seconds a black homeless guy with dreads exclaimed 'wouldn't it be awesome if you guys smoked my weed?'
Now if the illegal use of this drug offends any of the audience out there rest assured that it was totally legit. The guy went and bought it legally from a shop that sells for medicinal purposes and it just so happened that after 6 weeks on the road the remaining two lads were very sick indeed! Similar to Jack and the beanstalk, Fischer being Jack and Rich of course being the beanstalk (or giant?) the boys spent their last $40 on the fairy tale equivalent of 5 high powered magic beans… that you can smoke.
Monday the 18th
Cooking in these last few days of haze was made especially hard as some c*nt had tossed the pots, pans, tongs and sh*t so sausages were rolled with the cut off buckle of a seat belt. Rich dared to make a hot plate out of one of the unscrewed metallic plaques courtesy of our alpha beta gamma friends from Boulder. It all went pretty sh#t really. The lung however was excellent.
During the night dozens of dodgy looking homeless people slept outside the bus on the pavement, heightening the paranoia. On this night a little Mexican man called Lorenzo (talked like Pedro off Napoleon Dynamite) came onto the bus in absolute awe of Kristine's breathtaking beauty. After expressing his interest in picking her up and exchanging numbers with Rich (he actually had a cellphone!) he confessed 'I need to think about this man… I don't think I will drink tonight!'
Tuesday the 19th
After a fruitless day of looking for scrap yards, Rich and Fischer headed back to Venice beach in vein hope that Lorenzo would come through, as he said he was going to the bank to get $1200 US out! However when it got to the close, Lorenzo did not pick up his phone. So Fischer left the country that night with Rich darting up, (he had become a big name darter in these last few days) and low key panicking about having no cash and possibly no home for Kristine. He tried Lorenzo one more time and got him! The details of the sale are a bit murky with Rich using some heavy intimidation tactics acquired off Australian Mafioso hitman Willy Wilson to clinch the deal.
Wednesday the 20th
So in the end Rich came out of poverty with a reasonable $1200 (considering a homeless Mexican dude bought it) and Kristine narrowly avoided complete destruction. So if you ever go to Venice Beach in the future be sure to head a few streets inland from the boardwalk and keep an eye out for a dodgy Mexican or a yellow school bus…(probably the bus would be the better bet, there's heaps of dodgy Mexicans there) because she's lurking there somewhere...
An ecstatic Lorenzo's parting words to Rich were 'I can't promise to sex any senorita's on here… but I will definitely keep the ****** tally up to date'.
A fitting end to the most indescribably epic trip of a lifetime (if your reading this and thought about coming on the trip but decided to stay where you are and keep working at your job, you f***ed up man) the 14 lads that partook in the 2010 US School Bus Trip will forever be 'bus friends.. awww friends, yellow school bus friends, aww friends!'
Big thanks to Henry the captain hook balfor for his creative writtinng skills and putting together what is a possible book of the year blog and some great yarns had throughout what was a epic 7 weeks through out the states..
one of the better quotes of the trip was "no one could afford to do this trip" but "you couldnt afford not to do the trip"
oh and maybe "sword do you want to die now or die later"? I will kill you Sword" - f*** off chip