Notes From the Road: all I want now is happiness for you and me

Life is funny. Sometimes you think you know what you want and when you get it, you realize it's not what you wanted at all. This happens to me more often than I am ready to admit. Still, other times you think you don't want something you have. But, when you rid yourself of it you realize that it actually was something that you wanted after all. Too late now bub, you had your chance and now its gone. Truthfully, you should feel grateful that you even had a chance at all. Not everybody gets one.

I wake up every day a new man. I go where I want to and do what I want or don't. I think I am lucky to have it this way, but sometimes I wish it were otherwise. Wasn't it easier when you didn't have to make decisions for yourself? Mom cuts your hair, tells you what you can and cant do and when. No real deep thinking involved. Then somewhere along the way, you decide that you don't want that anymore because you think you should make decisions for yourself. You are, after all, an ADULT now. One way or another, you get your way and gain the golden independence that you had been dreaming of for what seemed like the better part of your long and tortured life. Then, years later when decisions become more and more important and you begin to realize that what you decide may actually affect more than just yourself, you begin to think, "This is too complex. All I want is someone to tell me what the right choice is so I don't have to think about it anymore." But really isn't that what we were all running from in the first place? Life doesn't come with an owner's manual, people. A little book you can flip through until you come across your current dilemma and see what the correct choice would be. Life isn't a Choose Your Own Adventure novel where at the end of a chapter you can choose A and continue the story from page 45. Then, if you don't like how that chapter ends, you can flip back and check out what happens if you choose B and have to continue from page 84. No, everyone has to just dive in and figure it out on their own. The great thing is, everybody does it different and that's ok. What else could be more interesting than 6 billion lost souls all making different decisions based on their own personal pool of gathered knowledge? Some just do what they can to survive. Others do what they can to go on holiday and still others just do what makes them feel comfortable. God forbid we do anything out of the ordinary.

I sure don't feel ordinary. But, out here on the trail, im not the only one still trying to figure s*** out. I met this dude last night who spent the last 4 years of his life living with a hill tribe in northern Thailand. He has a f***ing wife living up there in the hills somewhere for christ's sake. Who the f*** told that dude that that was the right thing to do? But, who the f*** has the right to tell him it was wrong? We all do it different, we all do it right. The glaring truth of it all is that nobody is ever wrong. We all just do the best with what we are given and what we have learned along the way. Someone should mention that to all the blood-thirsty religious fanatics running this planet today. It's like the Spanish inquisition, Salem witch trials and Christian crusades all rolled into one. Who gets out alive? Nobody…really! Maybe they would do it different if they knew otherwise. Then again, maybe not? Either way, who am I to tell them that they all have royally f***ed up and are doing it all wrong? Nobody does it wrong, remember?