I'm always desperate for the bog when i do these things, its's ridiculous. Right you have me for a while, it's baking outside so much so two indian locals have given me some good day to day advice, i figure it must be a mirage. Still we have taken shelter in the world of the interweb, where i might add the coolest indians hang out smacked of there t*** on whatever it is that bashes the high notes of life. The dude here sang to me not long back, read my palm, had a laugh and charged me virtually nothing cos he could barely see his own hand, i like him, he's cool, he's an indian jack black by all accounts.

Right we are in jalsalmer, as the saying goes, same same but different really. The woman are grumpier the men more perversed, the bhang (weed) is authorised, the army are scary, the corruption is rife, the cows sit in s***, the dogs sleep in s***, the kids are miniture robotic thieves, the food is as salty as ever which makes sleeping at night almost impossible, tho if your caz she woke herself from her sleeping bag with the loudest fart last night looked at me in astonishment and said 'Was that me', the girl is troubled ha.

I'm loving it here tho, it's obviously a little different to what you are used to but nothing like the scare monger stories people and press throw at you on a daily basis. Surprise surprise there, Mrs C put down the daily mail, is full of rubbish and paranoia, i've been telling you this for years, it will only lock you away in your home for months on end. That goes to you as well mam, there are no men in white coats coming to take you away hahaha daft cow. I do genuinely hope after watching 'Into the Wild' you will venture out some more into pastures new the lot of you, it's never to late to open your eyes and as the saying goes 'It only takes a passing moment to turn it all around'.

As you may know i became a running tap for the day in udaipur spraying the walls like an axe murder, i gotta say re-hydration sachets are a god send, why did no-one give me one of these at the end of the london marathon, i was dying people, it makes so much sense. Thanks to the ingenuity of one individual Chai was recommend, i tell ya it was like cement slab replacing a soggy towel, and as i pointed out to my saviour, it tasted like the virgin blood of of a baby deer mixed with the tears of a butterfly - bless you elephant hindi god.

May i just say if i have not already mentioned it before cos to be honest i don't have a clue what is going on these days, if you wanna drink the rind of a punjabs anal cavity get yourself some tibetan tea. It's two parts water, i part milk, salt, oil and a slab of melted garlic butter. appparantly it keeps you warm, why i would to be any warmer in Goa is beyond me, it's hard enough trying to deal with being a pungeant sweaty mess of dirt, grind and stagnent hair as it is. I only shower when it's warm, it's a wash otherwise hahahaha i think the water was warm twice, once yesterday and once in goa. I have six t-shirts and its been three weeks with one wash, i will let you do the maths.

There are times like in most countries when it gets a little to much. To much tourism, to many touts, to many same same shops, so you do your best to deviate from these, takes streets less crowded and wander the back alleys for a while. I recommend it, the best of the bunch tend to hide away, the more genuine sort that remain in you memories for more than a day and make your time here worth while, in some cases reminding you that not all is lost and not every f***er wants to rob you and force you to stick your own finger up your arse to preserve any self worth that remains inside.

This whole thing sounds like i am down hahahaha, i'm not, i'm just telling you how it is, maybe it was just another mirage and i just stuck my finger up my own arse for the sake of it - sorry. On a serious note if it looks like a street not to go down, don't go down it, the amount of people i've met held at gunpoint in brasil is daft, even i've been followed by some dude with a gun, been in a bike chase in guatemala etc etc... just the other day an israeli was killed trekking on his own in Mt Abu. Sometimes there are some things you just don't do. Im waffling, i won't go down this road.

Small things that have happened include helping an indian chop down a tree, not sure why but it seemed like a good idea at the time, i like to think it kept him and his son warm at night - loked after some indian dude's internet cafe whilst he went for a spiritual walk, don't know why but seemed like a good idea at the time, the list goes on and the more i think about it the more i think these people are know no longer robbing me from my pockets cos they don't need to, instead i am doing the work for them, how did this happen, cunning litle mongoloids.

Apparantly i have a punjab's beard, i don't know what this necessarily means, but i do know if i was to make it on the kabbadi team it would be with the fat lads and not the energetic ones, cheers for that.

I should prob tell you about somewhere really hahaha, Jodphur, i will tell you about that little hovel. It was grande actually, Good people, some individuals nade it grande, tho the westerners really are a miserable bunch of fanny towels. Speaking of which caz has started to ask me some ridiculous questions, the other day she said in all seriousness 'Is it easy to but sanitry towels in Thailand'. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, what, like i bought a pack and binded them together with eddlad's sewing kit to produce a make shift blow up lil, i might add with sails if wings are your preferred choice, mind the thought of claire rayners gusset would probably produce a sail boat, urrgghh saggers mcgraggers.ha.

Anyway Jodphur is famous for four things, one went out of business so we won't tal about that, the other is a giant fort, which looks nice, a temple which looks nicer and my all time favourite 'The Omlette Man'. Dude makes a mean omlette believe it or not and that is pretty much it, whacks it between four slices of toast, slaps it down on a vendor chair made for a malnutritious child and tells you to eat up. Obviously i had two and felt like s*** the whole day, but i'll let him of cos he looked like a little indian Fu-Manchu and had to stand on a box to reach his pan haha i still love midgets, they're wicked.

Jodphur is a good place to wander, a genuine place, full of horny youths that almost impale themselves on passing cows as they look back at you on there bikes doing 40 mph plus. I've seen one accident miraculously, two bikes colliding with a girly skid, pretty dissapointing, no-one was hurt so it was forgotten quite quickly, in cases like these you at least hope for a decapitation, just so you have another story to tell. The nights generally consist of food and alcohol, all of it is out of date but who's counting the days, not I.

On to Jalsalmer, guess what, it has a fort hahahaha, bigger than the last, these locals really do like to make em high, but as a friend once told me 'Every Indian has a Cowboy' and to be honest if your gonna use bamboo shoots to keep a second story floor raised from the ground then all the best to ya kid.

Jalsalmer like the book of lonely lieing f***wit planet says pretty much one big sand castle, i'd give you the history but don't know any so i won't, christ my favourtie museum was toronto's hockey hall of fame, what do you want from me people, an education.

For the life of me i can't remember who wrote the song 'Up on the Roof' cos he blantantly wrote it whilst in India. Indias greatest achievement was the rooftop restaurant, forget the forts they all look the same after a while. Rooftop restaurants are the heart and sole of India.

'When this old world starts getting you down and people are just to much for me to face, i climb way up to the top of the stairs and all my cares just drift right into space, on the roof it's peaceful as can be, and there the world below can't bother me ....... up on the roof.' ------You knows it-------

Chai is obviously the second greatest thing cos without a roof you would have nowhere to drink it duuhhh.

i'm not coping with the bourgeois lifestyle of restaurant dweller, being called sir really does make me feel uncomfortable. May i also add a quick thought that there may actually be a god cos i have questioned religion twice on this trip and both times a bird s*** on me for it, a little harsh i feel. All i was trying to point out to caz was how joseph was in the whole baby jesus stroy, this obviously originated from the immense population of donkeys in jalsalmer. I just don't understand why he made a pregnant bird sit on a poor little donkey for hours on end when he was a carpenter clearly able to build a f***ing cart. Tho looking at the broader picture, if i had found out my bird was pregnant and i hadn't layed a hand on her she wouldn't be getting a manmade limo from me either. rock on joseph.

We did the camel safari, caz has raw hide i'm told hahaha, there is justice in this world. I have gotta say i am in love with Papu, my camel.
He was the only one who would let me drape my arm on his head, he lied by me at night, tho starring at me for long periods whilst i slept was a litle uncomfortable, he got up in the night and put a second blanket on me when i was cold. Papu - you rock my son. The safari was awesome if somewhat torturous, my crotch is out of action, slightly disfigure you may say with callisus's in place i never knew existed. However we bordered the camels early in the day and headed out into the middle of nowhere. In all it was pleasent, a bit of running alot of plodding etc... all was grand. The final 20 minutes on the first day brought about several emotions begin with despair from 6 hours camel riding and lack of testicluar functioning to breaching the crest of a hill to reveal miles of stunning giant sand dunes in the distant. Home we all thought as a wave of amzement touched our soles, tho quickly shattered by the thumping crash of c*** against hump as we bounded down the hill towards our destination. As we approached to no surprise the camels realised this was home also and decide to wrecklessly bound there way through cactuss's. I had to pull 13 spikes out of my shin in camel movement motion. tis not an easy task. It wasn't till the last ten mins hit that i started to black out and feel sick as a dog, nought serious just de-hydration kids. Anyways i hit the ground like a s*** in a swimmimg pool and pretty much stayed there white as snow till my saviour cup of chai arrived. All was grande after that. The air was silent par camels eating, the moon was ridiculously bright to the point it was if someone had left a light on. We all camped on the dunes with biffu the guide and his sidekick the chapati king. Quite a grand moment really, lieing there under the stars, i hadn't had that since lieing flat out in the mongolian countryside. I miss these days.

Anyway, the morning light broke and i donned my trusty Papu, with his big neck, square feet, farting a******* and girly eyebrows it was like looking in a stunning mirror of myself hahaha, we rode into the sun for a further god awful 2 hours of pain before we reached a highway,(i must say for a good while your mind does wander and all i had to look at in front of me was a camel with massive plums, swaying like a hypnotist watch, all i could think of was punching one and birds eye potatoe waffles. I'm not sure where the waffles fit in????) Here we sat for lunch and waited for something with suspension to take us all home. All the best Papu, i think caz's was called ragu i'm not sure, all i do know is it ate the s*** and piss of my camel as he was trying to go - sicko. I will just add she did grande by the way, took Ragu full on, went running around like a maniac, almost fell off etc... she did a grande job which i'm sure she will fill you in on asap.

Anyways this is sooo long this message so i shall love ya and leave you in a minute.

The desert festival is on today so ihave to go and check out the best moustache competiton, and best moomin (beauty queen)etc... or something.

Can i just say two things, some have worried about my language, unfortunately this is just how it is, to me words are words, no exceptions, i don't have enough time in the day to be bothered about what is right and what is wrong so i write how it is. I always imagine the elephant man at a PTA meeting, ugly as sin sitting there as an outcast, yet still a human like us none the less. Now take the word s***, it's still a word, not partic pleasant to say like elephant chops is not partic pleasent to look at but it's still a word like any other. Granted my dad does cut and paste for the grandparents, which i find a little disturbing seen as one of my grandads favourite films is deathwish with violence and sexualy abuse init, along with my gran bless her heart who can't watch violence tho will happily sit through someone dieing a long and slow death of some viral disease, anything to make you cry. Hahaha it's a little ludicrous really when written down, but thats the way i see it and i'm sure possibly none of you agree hahaha. ya don't have to read it, it is merely optional to do so.

The second thing is for all those out there who keep going on about they would like to do this and like to do that aahhhhhhhhh come on, i read an awesome quote last night that i think Mr J.Spashett would have read, it said

'Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thouroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaming: WOW!! What a ride!'.

Live.

Over and out - sorry for the essay, my BA honours teachers would be most envious at the length of this.

love you all

stay safe and keep it handy, i can't be arsed to check for spelling mistakes so good luck.

Matt/Larusso

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