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Try to make me go to rehab i said a nooo a nooo a noooo - whatever.
Hello my young friends of the west, with your heating, cups of tea, clean clothes, and coffee shops that sell coffee and not hot milk with a dash vile. Its been a long time since i wrote on this thing so here i go, i am feeling rusty by the way so if it all seems out of sorts i apologise.
To begin with i shall tell you off the present, from which we will venture into the future before returning to the meandering past. Imagine this as a giant 5 minute session of autism, rain man style, with less dribble, less flair, yet more garbage than an indian pavement.
Currently we are in kathmandu living in thamel, tis an okay place, quite raw which i like, tho there are areas around the place i rather sew my seeded of deceit and destruction. The plan for all those wondering at the moment is this. We stay in Kathmandu until the 12th of april from which point we have a flight arranged for Beijing. (note the highlighted words and dates cos i swear friends and family are absolutely f***ing useless at getting these dates right I get emails two days before i am back from whatever asking if i have died or not, it scares me seeing my folks get old but as my old dear says, she partly enjoys it cos it means she can watch a film several times over without ever knowing what's gonna happen, this is all very well but if you start to sleep on the floor and piss in the sink your home bound - it's one thing a parent wiping a boys arse to a boy wiping a parents arse, not gonna happen, even if i can't smell.) ha i'm just kidding, tho mam you really got stop telling me i'm adopted ha.
So yeah it looks like in my life time i will not get to tibet, twice i have travelled through china and still no tibet. i understand the monks tactics tho and why they are doing it, but as a nepalese guy called Kul said to me 'I have chinese blood in me and i feel for tibet, it should be freed, but you have to understand the chinese are really good at killing people'. ha, it's terrible but i still smirked. I think the older i get the less people friendly i am becoming. As most people already know, i love england, i just can't stand the english, present readers not included, i haven't met a cool english person in 11 years of travel, bar two. So far it's been israelis, an italian and a mexican, a guatemalan and dare i say an american and the odd canadian. apart from this, people generally get on my nerves and i don't know why. aarrgghhh i'm getting old.
Not to frighten you but the mexican i met was travelling in jordan and palestine, said the people were amazing, tho a crazy place witrh alot of f***ed up things going on around you, its an amazing place to go. Plus some american bird was telling me how syria was amazing and that i should not believe what the papers say, it is one if not the safest place she has ever been to with the friendliest people she had ever met. Sounds good to me.
Kathmandu is becoming a bit of a nightmare fast, when we we're first here caz's full moon period rose, three wqeeks later know we are back, it has returned. Forgewt curing HIV, can someone please find a cure periods, and mood swings, not just for women but also men. I def think i have man periods tho not of the mauled bloodied, dieing bear kind trying to grasp for normality with chocolate in one paw and a pack of ibuprofen in the other. Somedays i wish i was mute, blind and had the memory lifescale of a fish, it would save me alot of trouble. On top of this we went to chinese embassy onb friday which took ages only to find the chinese decided to have a bank holiday on this particular day. So whilst we were there we visited the brit embassy cos it turns out i only have 2 clear pages left in my passport, it turns out extra pages are no longer issued so i will have to apply for a new passport in hongkong which could take between 5-10 days or 8 weeks. That's a pretty big time difference. I guess i will have to wait and see when i get there. 10 days in hong kong would be pretty cool tho. on top of all the topping i saw this delightful chicken and mushroom pie sitting in the window whispering to me, eat me mattie eat me hhhhmmmmm, so i did and the f***er gave me diaroeah for 24 hours plus. I say plus cos i still feel s*** and am firing a canon of muddy water into a ceramic bowl of sadness and despair, how long will this poor mans washy gravy nightmare go on for. Talking of gravy, i'd love some liver and sausage with thick gravy and salt hhmmmm.
so that's the future. and the present at the moment, when i do stuff in kathmandu i will tell ya about it.
Now the past.
The last time i wrote was varanasi, since then i have met people that have seen floatring limbs in the ganges river etc... i always miss the good stuff by a whisker it seems. On top of that it seems i/we are leaving a trail of destruction behind us, in goa there was a girl murdered as you know the same time we were there, along with 4 british men all related to bike arguments with locals, lucky escape by me i'm told. In dharamsala everyonbe kicked off cos of tibetan monks etc... riots, looting etc... missed that one, trouble spilling into middle india, missed that, tibet monks again. Kathmandu riots a couple of days after we leave for pokhara, know i'm back there is nothing. 3 Goat sacrifies i have narrowly missed, only to see the goat left round the corner with its head detached on a pavement. i should count my lucky stars really, i fear as soon as i leave nepal, there will be an earthquake that swallows the place up, as long as i see it from the plane then that's fine.
Caz just asked if i had farted, please, i daren't for fear of soiling my pants, is she insane.
So anyway NEPAL, what an awesome place, i love the people, they are all generally drunks that l;ike a fight and a good old civillians arrest. Some people may find the place enlightening, i think they are blind c*** if they do. This place is raw, with a wonderful attitude towards everything. The adults are the adults, the kids are the kids, everyone works together no matter what, looking out for each other, it's how it should be, if you deviate from it, they chop your hands off, well they used to anyway. I even enjoy a good moan with them, i am quite happy to fight my corner it's great. it's like a b movie switzerland with prettier, more rugged and scarier landscapes, uglier towns, less rules, yet a great big set of balls and a heroin shot of personality in it's locals to match. Don't get me wrong i loe switzerland, but form a neutral country famous for a swiss army knife to a gorkha knife weilding nation of friendly nutbags, the difference in personalities is ridiculously aparant. Plus unlike the swiss nothing is on time and nothing goes to plan. It's all yin and yang living in harmony.
Chitwan was our first major destination, whereby imaginery animals walked the jungle as far as i could work out, a broken twig would lead someone to suggest a rhino came through this way this morning. hhhhmmmmm The people of chitwan should count thenmselves lucky i was sitting on the bank of a river with caz when a giant rhino popped out and wandered accross the river, magical moment i have to admit. As was mounting an elephant 'of the wild kind' in a river. This to was amazing, washing an elephant as it chucks water on you and popps hairy basketballs out of it's anus, please to meet you to nelly. The local funny thing to do is to say some nepalese word that makes the eleph shakes its arse and throw you into the river, only for you to clamber up its leg for it to do it to you again. I loved his skin, all hard, wrinkled and leathery, i'll let you come up with a comparrison, i fear my grandparents won't speak to me if i do. Afterwards i fed his kids, well not necessarily his kids, but the children of the elephant world, stunning little f***ers, all happy and sweet.
Talking of happy and sweet, why has no one ever bought me a bailey's blues, itr's bailey's with whiskey, vanilla ice cream and a bit of milk and shaken up. It's the mothers milk of this world, luckily it comes in a glass with a straw.
Before my diarohea decided to export itself i pumped on a boys face, it's somewhat immature and possibly not worth mentioning, but it made him choke which made my day, so i feel things are evened out.
There is one predicament kathmandu poses, and that is the kids, the 'lonely' lieing sacraligeous bulls***ters 'planet' suggests you shouldnt feed the kids etc... the beggar kids that is, cos it encourages them to beg more and make a living this way by doing it. There are i'm told/read orphanages for them that provide education etc... tho the results they recieve from begging is to much of a reward for them to seek out these places. What i don't get, is they never ask for money, it's only food they seek. How are you to really know, when you have a concious that does not want to see these people go hungry.
Talking of food, Pokhara does the best 4 dollar streak in the world, when i return to nepal with whoever would like to join me, considering your not a vegetarian i will show you the place The steak is bigger and tastier than anything sat before me in argentina. i miss pokhara. Pokhara itself is quaint, nice people, nice lake, hired a boat whilst i was there and just sat in the middle of the lake on it, before climbing a mountain to a pointless stupa of world peace, populated by hash sellers. Also after the whole goa bike experience we decided to rent another bike, tho this time in nepal you have to wear a helmet, we looked like dumb and dumber in thgese almost neon helmets, was worth it tho cos drove out of pokhara to the bat caves.It's basically one big climb you have to clamber down into with a spotlight of your own, once in you point the light upwards and there are l;iterally thousands of bats above your head scattewred in dark sprawled formations, keep the light on them long enough and they wake, which i believe genreally pisses them off. to get out you have to climbed up the walls and out of a small opening in the ground to the surface. It's pretty cool and pretty basic but pretty heart stopping at times cos all you can think of is the goonies when they are attacked by bats, especially when one yarns and spreads its wings, all that goes through your mind is ' f*** f***, don't wake your family up'.
Buffallo staek hhhhmmmmm
It thunders every other day in nepal, not just any thunder, it's constant roaring tht can go on for hours uniteruppted, i have never heard anything like.
Oh yeah and i had two days where i went semi blind in my left eye. i'd like to say it was from chronic masturbation, but i don't even have that luxury, i don't know why it happened really, but everything just went blurred and messed up.
Anyway, from Pokhara we started the great 12 day trek, with guide (tho know friend) Bhim and Balchrishna. Two very cool, very funny lads, bhium 29 bal 25. Had a hilarious time up the mountains. Again before i forget there was the odd fresh avalanche where we walked, but it all happened the day before, typical, plus i was talking to an isralei who apparantly has 7 mates on thew same trek, 5 of which got air lifted back, 1 is deaf (don't know why) and 4 with spit ankles. Sounds like a right motley crue. Anyway the expedition took us through towns like tikhedunga, ghorepani, poon hill, chhomrong, himalaya, mcp base camp and abc base camp. It was an experiance i will never forget, not just for the painful dailly ascents of mountain scapes, jungle forests, rock falls, ice avalances, river crossings, mountain passes dailly dal bhat, card playing, dancing, snow fights, iko iko chanting and general dailly nepalese lessons, (we're pretty good with the language at the moment) but we met some good people and made good friends of our two guides. They will and are missed, tho they are currently trekking to everset base camp at mo. i could write about the experience for days, but at present i am not sure how to put it all into words, for those that know me i always keep a diary of the travels, so they can check it out when i return, maybe i will write a bit more about it later, or maybe caz will fill you in, right know tho i can feel an exodus coming along so might have to love you and leave you prematurely, story of my life ha.
Love you all , sorry for the quick cut off, am gonna s*** myself if don't go.
Mattie xxxxxxx
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