Some of you may read the latest email below from my mother in law and think that Angela is going off to Africa with two guys, Ralph and some bloke called Antony. (You might just assume that my mother in law is bonkers and youd be right). However just to clarify, Im known as Antony to both sets of parents because my parents prefer Antony, although they christened me Ralph Antony Spilsbury. The reason they didnt christen me Antony Ralph Spilsbury is that my grandfather had the presence of mind to realise that would give me the initials ARS. I am deeply indebted to my grandfather for sparing me some major grief at school!

Hello angela and Antony we shall see some lovely pictures and messages from africa ,
hope you get this ok . lov mum an dad .

Mr Carr, the collection of dried animal droppings is being placed in storage, we'll bring the box down when we see you in Dorset later this month. You willl get used to the smell after a month or two, but please resist the urge to smoke the hyena dung. Now that you are big in the Dorset jazz/folk scene we look forward to seeing your new beard and sweaters image, apologies in advance for me sitting on your guitar and having to miss your rendition of Streets of London.

Dave, with a write up like that I fully expected to see you on the doorstep last weekend! Re the Encounter Overland brochure story, our boss at the time did offer a years salary to anyone that could come up with a method of getting you to resign. As I couldnt be any more unpleasant to you than I already was, the brochure was a desperate last ploy.

Thanks for the advice about the roads and the locals. After hearing your stories about trans African expeditions, especially the medical and bodily function stuff, Im surprised were going at all.

Re the Trivial Pursuit, Im pleased youve finally acknowledged I have a brain the size of a planet, though your capacity to remember the capitals of countries like Chad and Niger always led me to wonder whether you should have got out more! (You should have by the way).

Pleased to hear that our luxury villa in Vanuatu is taking shape, however we will be long dead if the current building progress is maintained. You need to dust off the wallet (albeit an alien concept for a Welshman) and start handing out some of the thousands of £s we (the UK tax payers) have been giving you as a charity handout over the last 15 years whilst you sipped gin and tonics under the Peruvian and Brazilian sun.

Finally should we end up stuck somewhere nasty in the middle of central nowhere with a mean looking croc eyeing up Angela for dinner (after Ive staked her out by the riverbank), please use your contacts to ensure that the full weight of Her Majestys Diplomatic Service or preferably the SAS is brought to bear to alleviate our situation.

Ralph - East Cornwall District Council have asked that you return that signpost of Trevague (how appropriate that you chose a sign that translates from the French "very glazed over"). They acknowledge the fact that you have disabilities and have been using it as a walking aid as per your photo but they insist that you return it before departure. They have further requested that you wash away the urinal smell from it first for health and safety reasons (I assume Angela was unable to find any gorse bush at the time). p.s. will your new tenants in Reading be asked to look after Angela's collection of faeces from around the world on your dining room shelf? Steve & Emily x

Blimey - you're finally off. All I can say is look out Africa.

Ralph, you were my inspiration nearly 20 years ago now when you brought that Encounter Overland brochure to the office in Southampton. I can honestly say life has never been the same since! I'm really glad that you and the Sainted Angela are finally going to get your opportunity to stick two fingers up at commuting, capitalist wage slavism and all of that utter b******s and do it your way. I highly recommend it. Three pieces of advice: (1) don't drive at night if you can possibly avoid it; 2) ask the right questions and then listen to what the locals are telling you; & 3) conversations about the state of ones bowels can get a bit tedious and limiting after a while (although I still find them fascinating).

To all of you kind people in Southern Africa who are kindly offering to open your homes to Ralph and Angela, I'd say - are you really sure? Get a contract down in writing before letting them cross the threshold! No seriously, these are two of the most generous people you could find anywhere. Over the years, I've rocked-up at their house on innumerable occasions, sometimes alone but very often with my complete family in tow. And there has always been a wonderful welcome, a good bottle of wine, great food, and of course Ralph's very cynical and sardonic but highly amusing take on life. And they let us have their garage, which is really cosy most of the year, at a very reasonable rate. One word of caution - don't try and beat Ralph at Trivial Pursuit or any other game involving general knowledge unless you like to lose.

Ralph and Angela, when you have pissed-off Africa you are very welcome to come and stay with us in Vanuatu and have a go at doing the same in the South Pacific. One year, very soon, I'll have finished building your personalised, luxury suite. But we've already got walls and a roof and all the important stuff. You'll like the house, I've modelled it on that icon of architectural splendour; 20 Washington Avenue.

Good luck and great travelling,

Dave

PS: did you hear about the crocodile in Darwin, Australia recently, that was so fed-up with the noise of a workman's chainsaw that he ate it. Watch out, there are some dodgy things about!

Lesley - of course it's blanked out, this is a class website.

I don't believe it - the message board has blanked out t***!

Nice t***. No competition there then Roger ( or Angela come to that!) Lesley

An Apology......

I have been asked to point out that the picture of Steve (see Postcard dated 20 April and "Why we are leaving" photo album) was used without permission of HM Prison Service. I had no idea he was on probation when we took that photo.

Due to an uncharacteristic lapse in my usually awesome planning skills, we will be arriving in South Africa right in the middle of Englands march to World Cup glory.

I appreciate that you South Africans are trying to erase the painful memory of a qualifying process that leaves your continent represented by Togo and Angola, and left you below Congo DR in the points table, but can you guys ensure that your drinking establishments have pointed the satellite dishes towards Germany in June and July? (If you haven't got the GPS on right now, it's north of you by the way)

Could you also ensure that the pubs/bars stock up on proper beer, rather than that chilled Wildebeest piss that SAB produces in its chemical factories?

Of course you will probably delude yourselves that 3 Test matches against New Zealand is the pinnacle of world sport, but as long as it doesnt clash with an England fixture carry on. Also you should start preparing yourselves mentally for the severe mauling youll get in November when you pop over to Twickenham for a masterclass from our rugby team.

Thanks for the offers of accommodation (at least we can have a sensible conversation with Simons dog) and we are looking forward to drinking all your wine Heike (can we start on the posh stuff as there is no point in having £20+ bottles when youre drunk).

Oh Dear! (or is it deer - as in red). I understood that you'd be bringing the wine with you. We are fresh out and were looking forward to some of those fine reds that I'd seen in your wine rack. b*****!