Profile
Blog
Photos
Videos
And now it's Friday, and I haven't slept for more than three hours at a time since Monday. But who needs sleep, eh? Before another night galavanting with the Sisters of Sin, I have to change back to the hostel from Monday. How dare people book in advance! b******s.
Back in the cosy room, after playing a grand game of fetch with the most adorable beagle to ever pop into existence (Her name is Lily, and I know the picture has made you say "Aah" at least once. You're welcome.), I meet Dana, a lovely physiotherapist from the south, in Hamburg for an interview. I wish her luck on her way out, and although we don't interact much more after that, her presence leads to... something horrible.
I'm just about to try for a disco-nap, when in trots a doughy, pasty young man, who seems surprised to be sharing a room, and four of his comrades. They've all got thick leicester accents, and it turns out they're army boys, engineers or something. (Yeah, 'cos i totally thought you were S.A.S with *that* physique, innit.)
I open a bleary eye, and resign myself to conversing with him, telling him that yes, there's me and a girl in here already. And to my abject horror THIS happened.
Army Tard; "A chick? Brilliant, is she fit?"
Me; "Uh..." (Oh s***, what have I started?)
A.T; "Doesn't matter, I'll probably f*** her anyway.
M; "I... I think she's married..." (I have no idea if she is, but I'll do or say absolutely anything to stop this skin-crawling conversation.)
A.T; "Heh, yeah but that's back at home, innit? I'm sure she'll fancy a good f***ing when I roll in."
M; "I'm... um... I... I don't know about that..." (You make me sick. I've just met you and I want to roll in bleach already.)
A.T; "Nah, chicks dig that morning sex s***. Hope you've got some earplugs mate!"
M; "I have to go." (I hate you.)
The boys then leap into a rather delightful conversation about the various brothels our subject has been through during their time in Germany, going so far as to make a little list for my Berlin stint. I try to imagine how much money it would take for me to sleep with this odious little termagant, if I were a Dame de la Nuit, and you know, I don't think there's enough in the world.
Thoroughly creeped out, I flee, and pray Dana doesn't come across them alone. That night, I go dancing with the girls in a giant WWII bunker. There's no notable shenanigans, just lots of dancing, but I do have to mention that half of the clientele were lesbians, and man, Hamburg lesbians are hot! No elephantine lumberjack lezzers here, they're all bright lipstick and punky hair and cool clothes, and they're everywhere. Any female enjoyers of the feminine form reading this, you need to get your asses to Mis-Shapes in Hamburg. Thank me later.
We roll on back to our hostels in the wee hours, and to my relief the boys are still out, and Dana looks un-ravaged. I get my customary three hours before they stumble in. The rest fall into bed, fully clothed, but our hero here opens a bleary eye to see the cretinous one standing butt naked right in front of me. Poor Dana is packing, and to her credit, registers minimal shock when she looks up
A.T; "You mind if I sleep naked luv?"
(I can smell him from here. It's vomit-worthy.")
D; "Er... Sure, go right ahead."
A.T; "Do you wanna sleep with me?"
(No wonder you have to pay people...)
D; "What? Heh... Um, no. Thanks."
That girl earned my eternal respect by being absolutely unfazed by this guy. I'd have set myself on fire and leapt from the window screaming. Muttering something about it being her loss, he then turns and tries to get into MY bed. My growled warning of his imminent death, should he continue in this endeavor, propels him over to his own bed, and blessed peace reinstates itself.
At least none of them were snorers....
- comments