Dear Roddy, (Wasn't that the name of a rat?) I feel that it is only right to inform you that I know Mr. Bahn well and that I have followed his career, with a bucket and shovel, for years. Indeed, I met him when he was released from Broadmoor and I have been privileged to be the first to read his thesis on "The Use Of Sunbeds In Sub Saharan Africa". You may be aware of his works regarding the lost tribes of British West Hartlepool. A damn fine read! His demeanour has improved, greatly, since the completion of the corrective surgery to his club foot and hare lip although he battles (as do we) with the halitosis and the squint. His charitable work includes large and regular donations to the Bookmakers and Pub Landlords Benevolent funds. With regards him struggling with his articles - I would like to point out that this was never proven and the timely demise of the accuser put an end to this case. He is an upstanding chap (before the pubs open) with an incredible character and a man who can be relied upon to put the bin out on a Tuesday morning. I am sure that Paulie (That's his mention) will corroborate my opinions.

Dear Ms Bean, sorry for not coming to your assistance before now but I have been working overtime all weekend in order to pay for new equipment for the Hydro sub-girls. I do not know this fellow bahn but I would urge caution due to his poor command of Nigerian. Nigerian was the only compusory subject at my school and coming as it did after beatings and before tuck I used to rather enjoy it. Your man Bahn appears to struggle with his articles and this does not bode well for your future together (consider the twins).

In my youth I did once indulge in some debauchery with twins in Lincoln so if I can be of any help in this regard please say.

ScarletF; I have placed a bulk order for replacement equipment from a certain emporium where I keep an account and hope to arrange a delivery soon.

Whoa, who, whoa !!! What's this WENDING business? I can trot, run, dash, stagger and meander but I have never, never, been accused of wending. Particularly, in flares and a fluffy shirt. All unconfirmed reports, to the contrary, in the Hekmondwyke Free Press were both slanderous and only slighty correct (they were stilletoes). PS - Since when have pygmys been allowed on this blog ???. Mr. B

On behalf of the seemingly deserted troops I would like to suggest that Ian wends his more than merry way to the backwaters of Norfolk. Once there he could perhaps meet up with Mrs Beano, may I suggest at a salsa lesson in the Floral Hall whereyou can both dance the night away, flirt and have fun until the realisation that if it wasn't for my hero Pablitino enduring such hardships of scrotum and bum cheeks you would not be stopping at a 24 hour chemist on the way home. I bet Ian will look fabulous in Cuban heels, skin tight black flares and a dashing embroidered bolero coupled with a white ruffled shirt to enhance his hairy chest and six pack to die for.

Once you 2 have successfully connected do please let us all in on the outcome. Bated breath and all that.

Anon

Dear ALL, as we have heard, Paul is off camping in the outback. Whether we think of him in khaki, empire builder, shorts with a neckerchief and woggle shouting '…dib, dib, dib, dab, dab, dab…'. Or that he has decided to go 'Bush' and is now running around the termite hills, blowing down a long wooden tube, painted like an Ikea mural, eating fire ants and with nothing more hiding his manhood than a short (I repeat - short) length of calico, we must accept that he has decided to embrace his inner self. On the other hand, he could be sitting around a camp fire, drinking tinnies of VB and sucking the last remnants of testosterone from the roasted scrotums of an endangered species. We must brace ourselves for the possibility that he may decide not to return! Possibly the lure of a job as an outback postman or newspaper boy might become an option he cannot refuse. We must just imagine him delivering SAGA and B&Q mailshots throughout the provinces, on his bike, while he endures the constant pain and irritation of sand wearing away the skin between his buttocks as he makes that last delivery of the day. So, we must all be prepared for Paulie disappearing over the horizon like a will-o-the- wisp, waving his billabong at a swagman under a coolabar tree. Oh, and by the way, before he left he told me that if he didn't return I could have his collection of Chelsea programmes 1946 to 1974 and that it doesn't matter about the thousand quid I owe him.

Paul, Just so's you dont feel that we have forgotten you, here's your thought for the day :

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Hello Ms. Bean. Well, firstly, I hope that your trip to Lincoln went well. From the little I know of Lincoln, the last time even the word Debauchery was whispered, in Lincoln, it was just prior to the pilgrim fathers departing this land and while they were in Lincoln looking for a Cabin Boy…………Perhaps I should rephrase that? Whilst on the SUBJECT, perhaps I should explain that my reference to the erection was, directly, related to Paul's Pole - tent pole, that is. It is a Camping term (This is getting worse). I would like it to be put on record that although I did spend a couple of weeks, with Paul, on a ship off the coast of SA, with ner a female in sight, we did have separate cabins, on different decks.I would like to thank Paul (That's Paul mentioned, twice!) for telling you that I am a great bloke - I have six, signed, letters from the governors of six houses of correction which state the same.With regards your suggestion to put it to the 'Troops' …………What troops? They have all b*****ed off since His Highness, threw his dummy out of the pram!. I believe that he has forwarded you my email address (ferretridingonabudget.com) - I am looking forward to hearing from you. Mr. Bahn xPS - If my spelling is not too good, please excuse me. I am partly dyslectic but didn't realise it until I went to a Toga Party dressed as a goat.

Yep Mr Bahn - still here - not withstanding a brief excursion to Lincoln - checking out uni and what debauchery the city has to offer to a pair of 18 year old twins!

Bit disconcerting all this talk of last message for a while - I'm not a girl known for her patience you must understand. And all this talk of Mr. Reynolds and a straight erection all in one sentence is a also rather worrying. Now, from memory.. - no,maybe not go there, eh? And talking of Mr, Reynolds (who him?) he has suggested a more personal form of communication with you. I have it on good authority that you're a 'great bloke'. Just a shame you don't make me laugh! But, not wishing to be one to disapoint, I think we should put it to the troops - what do you say?

h

Hi mate sounds like you are having a ball,

Now off to the odds will have one for you save some money have paid next years ski deposit have paid yours in DEUTSCHE MARKS.......

(psssssssssst!, Ms. Bean, I know we are not supposed to chat on here but are you still there? - I think he's asleep. Ian x)

Paulie (Now I sound like a gay armsdealers b****!) I know I said my last message was my last but there have been a few things which have been playing on my mind since I read your last blog. Perhaps you could put to rest these queries I have

1. When Tom dragged Eva into the cave, what did he do with her?
2. The selfish b****** then went off and had a meal of Oysters and Crayfish............did he return with a doggy bag for poor Eva?
3. 16,000 kitchen sinks landed in 1857 but now there is only a pop of 800 ............what did they do, eat each other??

Sorry, but I think we all deserve to know !!!

Dear Paulie (any arms deals going on down there?). Given that you plan on going camping I thought It only right that I pass on to you a few tips as camping in the outback can be a traumatising experience - if it goes " t***-Up" (and it will):Once the tent is up make sure your erection is straight and you have it well tied off.Always seek the permission of the land owner - problem is, in Aussie, he could be thousands of miles away!When cooking Kangaroo testicles, on the camp fire, stand well back. They can explode but this does save on using plates and washing up.Place your stool in a plastic bag and hang from tree. This prevents unwanted visits from wild animals. However, this does present you with the problem of having nowhere to sit!Solution 2 can be that you buy sling shot and fire stool away from campsite (can be a problem if having tummy trouble).Take plenty of corn flour for tummy upsets. It doesn't stop it but it does thicken it, a bit.Hope the above helps. - Ian (my last message as I have to earn some money)