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Lyman Lake (Camp David)
Day 1
Despite Ollie’s best efforts to scupper our Camp David style kickback through his incredible lack of organisational skills, Michael Burton Esquire arrived in Charlotte to take us over the border into the Palmetto State. The most frightful of journeys ensued. Crushed beneath a mountain of suitcases, Andrew, Ollie and I proceeded to soil ourselves as Mike informed us of the dangers posed by the copperhead snakes in this part of the world. Kez sat comfortably in the passenger seat. The sight of his smug grin and Chelsea shirt made us all extremely irritable!
The distress of the journey was soon forgotten though. We arrived at Camp David and took in our breathtaking surroundings. We were greeted by Mike’s lovely, lovely, lovely wife, Kathy. After the frantic past three weeks, we were just four little boys that needed mothering. Mothers don’t get better than Kathy. She made us lunch which we ate on the balcony overlooking the lake. Andrew made our ears bleed with yet another session on the guitar.
Tubing!
Mike took us tubing on the lake. For the uneducated, this involves being pulled along in an inflatable tyre by a speedboat. At certain points we were getting up to 45 mph! It was the most fun we had all had in a long time!
Back on dry land we decided to have a four hour ‘dip’ in the hot tub. We all got out looking like Californian dried raisins. The bubbles and appeared to cause Andrew’s face to balloon somewhat. Either that or his American diet was beginning to engage natural anatomical changes!
We had a barbeque in the evening and met a couple of Mike and Kathy’s friends. One of them was a charming fellow called Paul. He kept talking about ‘titty bars’ and how much he wanted to kill his wife.
Day 2
We awoke to the smell of Kathy’s freshly cooked English breakfast which emanated from the kitchen. Watered and fed, we helped Mike put the cover back on the swimming pool. In retrospect, Mike would have been better served hiring the Chuckle Brothers. I almost lost a couple of fingers in the conflict whilst Andrew was distracted by the potential snake sightings.
We went into Greenville in the afternoon. It is a pretty little town about half an hour from Lyman Lake. There was a festival going on that afternoon called ‘Fall for Greenville’. The streets were lined with an array of stalls offering a wide selection of food and drink from across the world. There was live music and a real carnival atmosphere. Mike joined us a little later and we had a pint whilst watching some college football in a nearby sports bar.
Our night out in Greer, South Carolina.
Mike dropped us along the main strip of bars in the centre of Greer. This was Redneck country. Having grown up in the mean fields of Lincolnshire, Oliver and I were well prepared for the evening ahead. Would our southern brethren fare as well?
We sank some cans in two or three bars before stumbling upon ‘Rhythm and Brews’, a hostelry than boasted of its fine beers and live music. Andrew spotted a couple of girls having a cigarette outside the bar. Stating that this was a characteristic he found incredibly attractive in a girl, he launched into a full scale charm offensive. His endeavours were rewarded with an invitation to a nearby Karaoke bar. We soon realised that we had joined a large group that were out celebrating a couple’s engagement.
At the Karaoke bar Andrew wowed the crowd with a fine rendition of Maroon 5’s hit, ‘She will be loved’. Ollie took a tumble in the melee that followed as he joined a mass of hysteric young girls running towards the stage with there knickers in the air. Things soon calmed down when they realised that it wasn’t actually Adam Levine crooning away on stage!
The journey home could be described as somewhat interesting. We were very kindly offered a lift by a chap that had been buying us drinks all night. He had been thoroughly pleasant all evening so not even the fact that he was completely smashed stirred any form of reservation. We had become used to the American pastime of driving whilst heinously intoxicated by this point.
Our driver was out with his wife and we had noted that she had been somewhat obnoxious towards him over the course of the evening. Constant jibes about him and her aggressively flirtatious manner towards us had tipped him toward breaking point.
Breaking point duly arrived as we were halfway back to Lyman Lake. The happy couple began to engage in a heated argument that would soon turn violent! She was hitting him as he attempted to strangle her! He was yelling at her to ‘shut the f*** up!!!’, as the car swerved across the road. We looked at each other in mild terror as the scuffle continued in the front. Fortunately, our request to be dropped off at the next available opportunity was granted. With a mixture of terror, amusement and relief we managed to get a taxi the rest of the way home. Ollie had been alert enough to record the aforementioned bout, the soundtrack to which will soon be posted on facebook!
Our time in Lyman Lake had been brilliant. We had all enjoyed the opportunity to relax in relative splendour for a couple of days and had greatly appreciated the kind hospitality of Michael and Kathy.
If this weekend doesn’t get Mike a knighthood then I will throw my passport into the Atlantic (well, maybe…) A tete a tete avec Liz at Buck House is the very least he deserves. Arise Sir Michael!
Laters,
Ben
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