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The next 10 days I spent at Wat Khao Tham; a Buddhist monastery to complete a silent meditation retreat. It was amazing, yet one of the hardest things I have done to date. We were silent for 7 days with a strict routine to complete the true Buddhist Vipassana meditation retreat. Our day consisted of wake ups by the giant bell at 4am where we would then make our way in the dark with our torches to the meditation hall after seated meditation (all meditations lasted 45mins), chanting, yoga and another seated meditation we would wander down at 7am to have breakfast. After filling up we all had chores to do. Mine was to sweep the paths to the ladies rooms and outside the bathrooms, over the week I managed to get a pretty good sweeping action going, it was only ruined when it rained . . . Those leaves really stuck to the ground! After a 'bath' (dustbin filled with water and a bucket) the bell would ring and we would head back to the hall for seated and walking meditations with a meditation talk in the middle. Antony was amazing at explaining how to meditate and seemed to know the frustrations that we would all be experiencing day by day. It was re-assuring to hear these things as I would every so often get worked up that I was doing it wrong etc. the best one was when he said that its common to get annoyed with other people and have a day of 'hateful feelings' on the 4th day I was relieved when I could see every one around me agreeing and smiling sheepishly! That day everyone was annoying to me and I was worried that the meditation was having an adverse reaction on me! After the second morning session we would have our 2nd meal of the day at 11am. This was the 2nd and last meal of the day. We were not allowed to eat before dawn or after noon. This freaked me out a little at first but I really didn't feel hungry . . . well the last meditation before 7am everyone's stomachs were rumbling! The food was amazing though. All vegetarian but really nice Thai food filled with veg and fruit. It was not too spicy which was good for me too, well . . . Apart from the day Mark (the cook) made a green curry which was super hot! It was funny in the silence as everyone started sniffing and clearing there throats! Mark had to go and get us all tissue to blow our noses. After that meal we had a slightly longer break which enabled us to have about half an hours sleep and another 'bath' (there were no fans in our rooms or meditation hall so we needed to wash constantly to refresh ourselves!). The afternoon session I found the hardest. More wakings and sittings with a Dhamma talk in the middle. That was super interesting though and Antony would explain Buddhism to us. It was so interesting and makes so much sense. I definitely believe in Buddhism and enlightenment, not so sure about reincarnation, but a lot of Buddhists aren't either. I don't think I could ever truly be Buddhist though as you have to let to of all of your attachments and letting go of family and friends . . . doesn't sound that great! You also have to loose your sense of me myself and I; view yourself as a body and mind but not an individual. That was really hard to understand. But with the Dhamma and Meditation talks I did gain a lot of understanding how the basics can help in life.
I always really looked forward to the break at 5pm no meal but we did get hot chocolate! It was probably just your bog standard hot chocolate but at the time it tasted like THE best hot chocolate ever made! These breaks were definitely my favourite after the amazingly wonderful hot chocolate I would have another 'bath' and then head to the view point which were some big rocks on the top of the hill by the temple to watch the sun set over the islands on the horizon, it was truly wonderful. At 6 we would go back to re meditation hall for chanting. This was followed by a metta meditation (loving kindness) which was lovely. We would first give ourselves thoughts of happiness and then spread that feeling to 'all living beings' it could be any one, loved ones, animals whoever popped into our minds and that was for 45mins, it really felt nice. We would then do the usual mindful walking and sitting then make our way back to our rooms to sleep. Well sometimes sleep came but I must admit I didn't sleep that well. It is quite common but I think with all the meditation my mind was really awake at nights, not really thinking but definitely not sleeping. The rooms were very simple, we each had one to ourselves and were given a wicker mat, (a very) thin mattress, small pillow and mosquito net.
Things feel a lot more simplified now. Really it is just common sense but being aware of it and practicing it. I have come to realise that I have been/am (subconsciously) making life harder for myself by being un aware of my thoughts and identifying them as real. It was really interesting and awakening to meditate and see thoughts coming into my mind and then 'noting it and letting it go' I realised that 99% of my thoughts see completely irrelevant and if not aware of it they develop and cause stress, sadness or even just waste of time. The whole experience was extremely difficult, mentally and physically. I did not realise the physical strain my body would be out through siting in the same position over a prolonged period of time. It was agony, but Antony did talk us through how to focus on the pain we were experiencing whilst we were meditation so that it would ease, and on the 5th/6th day it did, it was odd finishing the meditation to the gong and realising that my legs are completely numb due to lack of circulation! Mentally there were times when I though I couldn't cope, I never wanted to leave (although a few did) but it was a real struggle.
I know now that there is no 'quick fix' if you are looking for one (which I have been doing). It will take time but I do hope to keep practicing and developing the habits of my mind for the better.
On the 8th day the silence was lifted and it was fantastic talk to the group and find out there experiences, we really felt like a team and extremely close through what we achieved together. We all helped out by weeding the overgrown jungle path for and hour or so then spent the day going out of the monetary, eating the yummy market food and heading to a beautiful beach together. A few of us went to a herbal sauna and it was just what the doctor ordered! A few of us stayed over that night when others had gone there own way.
The next morning the ones that were still around helped Mark give the kitchen a deep clean which was an incredibly satisfying job! I made my way to a bamboo bungalow I had booked at the coast at the bottom of the road, it was stunning. It was strange venturing into the 'real world' but a perfect spot for me to relax. As I had had no technology whilst I was in 'radio silence' it was fantastic when I turned on my phone to find out that I was and auntie again and that Jenny had had a wonderful baby girl - Philipa Alana Tibbles. It was fantastic to hear the news and meet her on Skype.
Six of us from the retreat spent that afternoon together and rode to the north of the island to a beautiful beach where we had a swim and watch the phosphorus in the sea. My stay on Ko Pha Nang had been amazing. I feel like I will definitely return to the island again. It was beautiful, friendly, accepting and I really felt at home there.
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