So, yes the good news is I am still in Melbourne.. I haven't got bored and upped and moved to outer mongolia.... the bad news is that once again so much has happenend in between my writing of these that I dont know where to start!

so its sat night, i was supposed to be out with a friend tonight but she just found out her mum has breast cancer so decided to stay in. I cant imagine how she must feel. My brother just text me saying my siter in laws dad has a few weeks to live from cancer, seems to be everywhere at the moment and it petrifies me. I think of my mum. A smoker.... I dont know what I'd do. Note to self-nag mum again about giving up smoking. I know its not always the case but still...why make the risk higher> god it makes me angry!

anyway, i guess its almost a wake up call when things like this happen. I have had a hard few days.. I say hard, stupid rehearsals and then lunch with a guy who tries to make me crazy... but all of it, really, is it important? we all live our lives, well i do, caught up in our own importance. Not really looking out at what we have and what we have to be grateful for. I looked at my life on Friday night (yes after 4 glases of wine) and as I sobbed in my bed all I saw was a lonely 26 yr old, with no job as such, no close friends here, so far away from everyone, used by every guy she has wanted to be with and to top it all breaking out in spots!.. now look at what I've just said and look at my first paragraph, then breakdown what is actually true in what I've just said and please slap me round the face several times!!!

Its so sad. I have so much to be so grateful for. Amazing friends all over the world, incredible opportunities, i've travelled so much, got a great support system with my family and friends, work coming out of my ears and I am healthy and can do whatever I want with my life. I dont have anything stopping me but me! and yet I sat in my room and cried for 2 hrs. I wonder if everyone feels this way? what is it that wakes us up and makes us shake ourselves. It wasnt anything particular last night. Just a little chat with my mum, ruth and Nikki and a few texts from a boy.. yes another one... well actually i guess i should call this one the man, as he is in his mid 30's.. does that count as a man yet? anyway i'm off the subject again.. to sum it up I am so grateful for eveything I have and send every good thought and love I possibly have to my friends and family going through life changing times.

So I guess back to now. Back to whats been happening. So much!.. but I dont feel right talking about trivialities (did i make that word up?) when much more important things are happening. So I'm gonna end this now and write more tomorrow with day to day life.

I just want to sign off tonight sending all my prayers to Kay and her Dad and her brothers and his wife and son and Jane and her Mum and her family. I'm not going to pretend I know what you are going through but I want you to know I love you and send you all my strength.

Thinking of you x

speak soon everyone xx