The 28 Hour Journey to Sukhothai

Today we would experience (read as 'endure') the wonders of the State Railway of Thailand for the first time. A very long time in fact, thus providing ample opportunities for impromptu randomness to occur.

The first installment of said randomness took place aboard the overnight sleeper train. There's not much to be said really about the night time as everyone except me (as usual) was was asleep, although I did realise during my insomnia that Thailand is the place where trains come to die. Thailand is also the place where railway engineers don't seem to have quite cottoned onto the fact that in an ideal situation, the laying of rails would be parallel.

Indeed, when it comes to the State Railway of Thailand, it is unfortunately more than just the rails that are a bit bent - so too are the staff. "Morning wakey wakey time for American breakfast!!" was the phrase that was screeched down my ear at 5.30am by the campest monstrosity I had ever seen in my whole life, which is saying something after 8 years of being subjected to the horrors of Canal Street. "Sod off I'm British, how dare you insult me by confusing me with a fanny-pack wearing, obese, up-my-own-arse member of the church of the latter day - "but Oprah Winfrey appeared to me on a piece of burnt toast & told me to spread the news" - brinwashed halfwits!" I wanted to say but by this time he's already minced off to annoy everyone else with his screeching.

NEVER IN ALL MY LIFE had I witnessed anything as funny as the next hour of his presence, although I do definitely think to appreciate this you had to be there. There are simply just not words to describe it. Anyway, I continued witht he consumption of an 'egg' and some toast (actually that does look a bit like Oprah. Hail Mary it must be tr... Oh no wait,it's just Moira Stuart. b*****) but in the end settled just for coffee as I conceded that it was probably safer.

Continuing with the theme of food (with the acquisition, consumption & subsequent disposal of said food being a recurring theme throughout the trip) our second encounter with the delicacies of the State Railway of Thailand was on the second leg of the train journey from Bangkok. This was even grosser than the American Breakfast and each of us had about 2 mouthfuls of rice, fought over the carrot ("Nutrients! Give me nutrients!) and then got back on the Pringles. I felt a bit sorry for the woman serving us - she was far too pretty to be working on these trains and had clearly missed the application deadline for Air Asia (even I think some of their stewardesses are a bit dishy and for some strange reason they ALL seem to fancy me!)

Well anyway it didn't take long for boredom to set in. At least when travelling by train in the UK you might see a field containing sheep one minute, some cows the next & then perhaps even the odd tractor. In Thailand, however, there is nothing to break up the monotony of 7 hours worth of bloody rice fields. After about the third hour I had come up with the game of guessing which rice would be Uncle Bens & which would end up as Ambrosia rice pudding. Rivetting stuff. Other ganmes on the train included attempting to use the squat toilet for a number 2 as it could be held in no more, but all the while cursing those parallel line phobic railway engineers, and thanking Oprah, no sorry God, that I'd remembered to bring loo roll, and standing outside between the train carriages "look I'm James Bond - no hands!" on the bridge clinging on for dear life. Said bridge by the way was the designated smoking area - I don't smoke but how cool! I'm suroprised some canny train operator at home hasn't come up with that to get around the smoking ban. Oh yes, I know why - that modern scourge of British society: Health & Safety.

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I feel this is an approriate moment to have a rant about health & safety legislation & how in fact all it serves to do is make us think that someone else will look after us the whole time. In Thailand, they have a special kind of health & safety - it's called looking where you're going. They don't waste tax payers money putting fences around the roads to stop stupid people walking into them ("just tax the stupid people!), they just expect you to look before you cross. They don't cover the monsoon drains so you don't fall down them as they wouldn't work, so they just expect you to see them. They don't insist on you wearing seatbelts on coaches - instead they just let you hang off the edge or sit on the roof.

At first I did wonder why there weren't huge forming outside of every Thai A&E department but then I realised that because they haven't been nannied all their lives and cushioned at every fall, the Thai people can look after themselves. It actually becomes quite liberating after a while because you realise that you're free to do so much more and you only have yourself to blame if you get hurt.