EACH DAY IS A GIFT....NOT A GODLY RIGHT....
Last night Ben and I went to the welcome party at the hostel, just to see if we could meet anyone else and also check the scene. We ended up meeting a nice girl from the states named jill, who pretty much seems just as lost as the rest of the people ive met traveling. Her traveling CV is...she is here, doesn't know where to go next, doesnt know how long she is here...pretty standard i've found.
While the tofu Ben and i bought sounded fabulous for dinner, Jill didnt have any food so....we decided to go out instead. Morrocan Pizza. Ive noticed I go strictly off of vibe now, when I meet someone, its a vibe and then I decide how much time I will be spending with them. Jill has fit into my category of limited time, she seems very hard...and a tad angry. These days i'mmuch more into goofy, soft and not intense. I dont want to think, and when i meet someone who is as they say here "full on"...my behavior changes, my face changes, and she noticed this, and said across the dinner table that i looked exhausted and needed a massage perhaps..i gave her a fake laugh, told her the ocean beat the crap out of me today...what i didnt wanna tell her was that shes 25, and as hypocritical as this sounds...she needs to relax. When i was 25, i didn't think about this crap...thats probably half the reason im almost 30 and dont have a job, a place to live or a partner....but, i also believe i took the path i was supposed too, i made the decisions that i did and i get regret them, just learn, easier said then done at times.
after dinner we walked back to the hostel and i stopped in front on 7-11 to go get vodafone minutes for my interview today. She seemed to get my mind spinning about all my ex's and my issues-she wouldn't shut up about weddings at dinner, i felt my skin itching everytime she spoke about her dream wedding and what it would look like...that there was a moment at dinner i verbally said..."can we talk about something else?"....With my mind on overdrive, everything started coming up to the surface, and i was telling them about one of my most recent stories...when an aussie guy standing in front of the restaurant near 7-11 goes...."that guy is a complete monkey"... I looked at him, said excuse me? he said "I overheard, and its not my business, but whoever your speaking about is a complete monkey and a waste of your time." Intrigued...I let him finish talking...at this point Ben and Jill decided to go home.
John is a 35 year aussie, married, has a 2 year old son. he grew up in the family business lumber, and just recently closed the business because his father passed away and he didnt want his son to be in lumber, he was finding a new life for himself after many horrible things that have happened over the years, and is in noosa for a holiday with his wife and son...who by the way are lovely people and son lewis is maybe the cutest thing i have ever seen. Lewis got sick at dinner and threw up, so he needed to go home. John asked his wife it was okay if he stayed out a bit longer and spoke to me, and she didn't mind at all.
while on our way to get coffee, john said i've got 30 minutes, to explain to you relationships, and life, and while it may seem weird that im taking the time to do this...if you could see what your face looks like right now ilyssa...you'd help yourself too. The conversation was nothing enlightening, he didnt say anything i didnt already know, but having a complete stranger who was happily married, with a beautiful son, stop and hold a mirror in front of my face was impactful..ive been walking around with the heartbreak and the pain of constant failed relationships for years now, and each time i meet one of these "monkey's" as he likes to call them, i lose a little peice of myself...and then i get into the same pattern. The last few have left me a little battered and bruised, simply because everytime i say i'm going to take a real break and find myself, i dont and i get involved again in yet another relationship with a man who never ever puts me first, this is a common theme my new friend john pointed out to me. he said ilyssa " you want a man who puts you first, because you deserve it, a man who will wake up in the morning and make you breakfast even when he feels like crap, because your first" and yes there is compromise....but i shouldn't be the one waking up every morning or forcing the other person to wanna wake up and make me breakfast. its a simple analogy, its not really about food, obviously.
He told me whether its a career or a relationship or any type of decision, sit back...and think "whats the purpose?" what is the real purpose.....and then the outcome. although this seems to go against all i have trained myself to do, ya know forget the past you cant change it, dont project the future, only live in the now. im starting to think this mentallity is bulls***, or maybe you just need a balance of both. He mad me sit there and run through a senerio...."ilyssa, in 5 years from now, im walking past here and i see you, what does your life look like?" my forehead scrunched up and i couldnt speak...he pushed and pushed and pushed, so finally i said "in 5 years, i walk past you with a career i love, on holiday with a partner i love and loves me unconditionally and I have a child"....OMG, i cant believe i just said that!!! he started lauging. then made me repeat it, because he said the look in my eyes didn't believe it, they were only words...."ilyssa, believe it, because your gonna be an amazing wife, your gonna find the love you want, and your gonna be an excellent mum." I kinda started to cry, and then got that exhausted feeling all over body called depression and only wanted the conversation to stop. He noticed this, and said we walk back now, and i hope i didnt ruin your night. I told him he most certainly didnt, it just felt overwhelming sometimes, cause i want to believe, i really want to believe it.
He said "ilyssa, everytime youve met one of these monkeys you have known, you felt it, you saw the signs. why did you ignore it? nd dont tell me because you were hopeful, cause people dont change. have enough respect for yourself to walk away, break the contact, and don't look back"...I nodded, we laughed a little bit cause he wanted to hear about the most recent adventures....and we walked back to our seperate homes.
He to his beautiful wife and child, and me....to my little twin bed and silk sack sheet....