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it's been so long since i wrote, it thought it was about time i would fill you in on some thoughts, goings on and general s***e that takes place in china. I could sit around and rabbit all day but i'll give you a brief mention on the past 14 days or so. Have i spoken of Beijing????? i do not know or even Hong Kong, s*** i don't know where to start.
b******s i'll tell you about know, it's easier. 5 days of unadulterated pleasure in a small town by the name of yangshou. I am seriously tempted to up sticks ofter the beijing games, get my arse back here and teach some little speky four eyed china prodigy some downtown english, curriculum based of course. Before i get a backlash from the four eyed nation out there, yes i to am a speky four eyes and because of this i feel it is not insulting to point out my own small race of people with a derogatry remark. If i was to insult a disabled person with no legs than that may be wrong because i have legs, however if i didn't i mightrefer to myself as 'hot wheels' figuratively speaking. Is that right or do i mean hypothetically speaking.
By the way i hope to f*** my hotmail doesn't work cos there seems to be a distinct lack of responses from hhmmmm 99 per cent of people i know!!!!!!!!! that or there better have been a f***ing volcano eruption in england that wiped out the entire population bar 1/2 people, ahem i'm not bitter, back to the point in hand.
Met a new yorker today that teaches english here, the guy was quite possible the coolest 'dude' i've met in a long time. With hair to his stomach and a beard to match he was probably the most f***ed up, educated, sense talking person i have come accross in a long time. A refreshing guy with many a view on life. He has been on the road for 10 years having spent the last 4 yrs in china, he rarely returns to the west partic America cos it is beyond repair and cannot live with the ideological bubble that envelopes a nation. I love hearing all this rant, it cheered my day up some what. As most of you know already i find it difficult to 'like' my own people as it were in sunny england. Anyway pessimism aside he generally loves all people and believes there is good in every nation and all walks or life, however when you gather more than 2 israelis together things go down hill hahahahaha. I have never met a sole in my life that has liked a group of isa's, individually they are sound, collectively they are a f***ing nightmare of combustable arrogance. This dude believes i quote 'This arrogance comes from the ideological view that they are gods choosen people, i am not racist, not an anti semitist (etc etc....) but i believe the world was generally f***ed with the creation of Israel.' Whether this is true, i would not know, but every man/woman is entitled to there view. s*** i only went into the cafe for beans on toast and a cup of coffee, which by the way was two slices of sweet bread not toasted and about 20 heinz baked beans cos they are hard to get in china, magic. As i left i asked this soldier of fortune his name, It was only f***ing Joseph, irony my bearded friend, its as if the step dad of christ had spoken to me in person himself, which by the way is another gripe i have. I've heard many biblical stories in my time argued over xmas eve dinner. I accept jesus was the son of god, but jo-bo raised the sod, all through his teens when hair sprouted on his tiny balls, joseph is the first step dad in history and the poor b****** really doesn't get any praise for it. Jesus may have been a p****if it weren't for joseph, he taught him a trade carving s***, taught him manners, son of god or not, every kids an annoying b****** in there teens. Jo-bo gets a really rough deal, i don't even know why i'm talking about this, you prob are reading this crap to hear about china.
Anyway Yangshou is an amazing place on so many levels, firstly it is ridiculously possible to not eat chinese food here which is generally a good thing at the moment. I'm down with the whole not wasting stuff but it gets a bit to much at times. Caz ordered bamboo chicken the other day, when it arrived it was a beaten to death chicken mashed up and stuffed into a bbq heated bamboo tube, beaks, feet etc.... guess what t*** ended up eating it and giving his nicely sliced chicken strips and peanut sauce up for hhhmmmmmm ha.
By the way i hear the weather is hot there in england, good for you, it's roasting here as well tho not in a good way, on occasion it pelts down with rain that clearly cleanse a soul of all his sins, or at least a dirt b****** of all his stains. Regardless it is still hot and not a nice hot. an intense humidity that causes many a problem, s*** i have to turn the air con in the dorm room just to prize myself out of my hermetically sealed bodysuite this humid weather has created, i'm hoping, no praying that what little talent i like to think is hermetically sealed in my head will also be relesed and thus spread through my body and out of my mind and finger tips, as yet this has not happened tho i am squat s***ting like a trooper. I fear my supposed/hopeful undiscovered talent like everything else is being washed away with my homemade, sepai-carrot waste into the depths of chinese sewers. oh well.
Topography in Yangshou is, is, is, i wanna say beautiful as the sun reflects on the mystical rock faces creating a mythical effect not seen anywhere else on the planet, a true wonderment to the eye that begs belief that once there were actual mythological creatures that roamed the earth with powers of good and evil, however i'll stick with f***ing amazing.
Just read that apparantly there has been an earthquake iun chengdu, all joking aside, thisd trail of destruction is getting alittle close for comfort, deaths in india, riots in both india and nepal,landslides in nepal, a train crash we were supposed to be on in china and now and earthquake 7.8 on the rictor in chengdu, all within a couple of days after we left. Either someone is looking down on us or the angel of death has real bad timing. lets hope our luck continues cos its starting to freak me out alittle know.
Yangshou, home of the turtle heads, youmust see it to believe it, so i won't go on about it to much, i let you book a holiday and go out and see it yourself, or maybe someone will film a documentary for you. If you do go i recommend a tandom bike, there hilarious, they're like car share for people like me who have to wait for people like caz on a push bike. it takes out all the hassle despite looking like a prize d*** they really work ha, it was just a shame i had to ride the extended pink version. hhmmm. The countryside is the bomb, its quite, peaceful and houses some ofthe friendliest people i have ever met, they say mugging ids rife but i don't believe it.Thats not to say there aren't d*** in the region, they are all hostel/hotel touts tho so its fairly easy to stay away from them. We had a great introduction to it all tho, as we ejected ourselves from our bus on arriving to yang, some dude came up to us waving a hostel card, i said no but he was having none of it haha, so he approached caz and all hell broke loose hahaha. It turns out he told her that i wanted to go to his hostel and that she was 'full of s***' when she said no to his hostel. An awesome 5year old rumble in the bronx verbal match broke out haha, dude threatend to go and get his friends to do us in and cause us trouble, caz responded with 'f*** off, go on then' dude 'no this is my country i will stay here, you f*** off out of my country' caz ' i have a visa so i have a right to be here, so f*** off' hahaha it got daft we just walked off when we sorted ourselves out. Touts man they're hilarious.
Am just gonna reel of a list of what we've been up to or i'm gonna be here a day writing this and your prob not even gonna bother reading this, whoever you are, who am i speaking to????????
so things we've done, not including yet another great escape of certain tradegy.
1. Visitied the devils backbone and made friends with a cool french dude on the way. In short the devils b.b is a farmer feat of perfection, paddy fields built on slopes that climb 800metres up and more. place is stunning if only for a shot on the camera, ya gotta love those crazy little farmer b******s, when they wanna do summit mental they really put there minds to it. commy-tastic.
The only way to gety here however is through a tour, which is fine, tho i feel a little violated by my tourl leader. We took a terd together of sorts, in a sort of open cubicle area. The idea is the trough you terd and piss in is on a slope and you stand vertically on it ssooo if your at the top you have a fairly clean run of things, if your at the bottom like myself you get the panoramic enjoyment of having your guides terd slip slowly between your feet. it's hard to smile at a man when you've urinated on his walking faeces.' strike it lucky' it aint, i hit the hotspot everytime.
You can buy a magnum at the top by the way, purely divine not dirty harry.
2.Guillin to yangshou by bus and Huaihui to fenghuang by bus are truly wonderful journeys. They will live long in mind and heart for as lond as i can remember. With a boston sunset to exagerate the piercing colours of lime greens and flourescent peruvian cola yellows (i dont know how they make that s*** but stay away, it ain't normal) it truly in my mind reminds me why i am alive and that some things natural still remain. I miss these moments on a dailly basis and would clearly swap my dailly life of a grey by day, hectic neon mess by night for a life of true natural colour. What a gay, I'd rather live with the colours of boro, partic in there new sexy kit, i'm buying a skin tight one to prance around in with my ever enlarging belly.fffffwwoorrr.
3.Caz reckons three is to grotesque to divulge to you so you will have to read about it in diary, sorry.
4.The chinese by all accounts are piromaniacs, they have commy match shops everwhere,weirdos. They're kinda cool to be honestloadsa commy slogans and memorabillia, with mao's head superimposed onto guevarras famous pose.
5.Currently in fenghuang, amazing place, old school historic china, will get to that later, there is a dude accross the street i have to mention. i love him and his missus, they're nuts, they cook meet in crazy people outfits and blatantly snort the white stuff whilst cooking beef on a barby to techno music, they both sweat profusely like a pair of testicles in cling film and the dude has a boss eye that looks into space when he looks at you, i wish he was my best friend, i filmed him dancing and will treasure it always hahaha.
6.You can buy osama bin laden t-shirts here, with great commy writing on them, hand painted ones and everything, i've seen a hitler top as well, but best of all hung up next my bin is a t-short of Dino Baggio, useless t*** missed a pedo in worldcup final, it would be f***ing wrong to buy that tat italian fanny towel.
7. We climbed MoonHill in the rain, a suppodsed hill with a huge rock face cut out to look like the moon at every stage depending on what angle you see it from. It was actually a wet muddy mountain that lookedlike a half circle on every occasional angle you saw it. Stunning views from the top despite muddy encounter with floor and spikey trees. Def worth climbing, tho chinese need to reassess names for places cos if i squint at alot of stuff i could also come up with alot of names for something. On paper Dale Winton is a successful gameshow host with a picture perfect cv, all i see is a useless square headed twat, guys you've gotta start naming things for what they really are.
8.Squarking ladies, as soon as a mini bus arrives a barrage of sprinting plus 50's charge at it as if the ming dynasty itself was under attack, on arrival postcard postcard postcard echoes through drums of evermans eyes within a vacinity of of 100metres. its a sight to see and a welcome one at that when you are not on the bus.
9.The restaurant next door kills its fish by pelting them on to the ground as hard as they can, not much dignity in that boys. Never felt choked for a fish before.
christ i have a million and one more things to go on about,i think i will just stickl em in the diary cos knackered.
So you know we are all grand, living life, currently in fenghuang, look it up, picture perfect china, with an extended nightmare modern city attached to it deep in southern china countryside.
see you later,love you all
Mattie.
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