The ticket has been bought. On the 5th of March, I'm leaving. Hopefully for good.
Naturally, a set date has also presented itself with several issues. Work, personal belongings, personal relationships. As of today, I have 49 days to sort everything. It may seem like a long time, but it's most certainly far from that.
I've started selling off most of my stuff. Got rid of my old yet trustworthy MacBook. Sold off a nice mic I had, my Nerf guns (which I never really used thanks to the lack of friends), my PlayStation 2 (a wonderfull present from my ex, but it only brings back memories) and even got an offer for my car. I'm also selling several household appliances that I haven't used since the fatefull day. The only thing I'm keeping for definite is my iPhone and iMac, although I won't take the latter with me - I'll keep it with my parents in case s*** goes down and I'm forced to return.
Work has been slow, but I have a few small projects I have to get done soon. I'm trying to focus on getting things on GraphicRiver to sell while I'm out, but focusing has never been my best trait.
Personal relationships will be easy. The friends that interrest me are aware of my leave and are pressuring me to have a goodbye barbecue; I'm not quite in the mood for goodbyes - the last one I had took a heavy toll on me. I just don't want to go down that road again.
I'm constantly anxious about leaving, and that makes my focusing much harder; right now, I should be working on a few things. Nightmares have also been a problem for a few months now. I've tried happy thoughts before sleeping and meditating. So far, no luck; I still wake up in the middle of the night. Haven't I got closure? I know I have, but why does this still torment me? At least lately the dreams have been less of nightmares and more of wishfull-thinkings, but depress me when I finally realize it's not true. I can only hope this feeling will diminish with my travels.
Taking one step at a time seems to make things more bearable. Everyday I plan part of my trip, get on with my "365 drawings" project and try to get some work done. But nighttime is still the worst part.
Oh, and quit smoking. That s***'s impossible to do. How am I to survive in Europe? I'll have to chose between smoking and eating.
Focus, Sean. Focus.
I know now that I can live on my own, and I do have moments of happiness that doesn't depend on other people. I just wanted to be able to share these moments with someone. But f*** it, I'm awesome.
And you know what? I've been repeating it everyday and it's starting to surge an effect.
Wow, this post entry is everywhere.
"Anything you still can't cope with is therefore your own problem." ~ The hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy