Ant/Dec,

I hope your both well and enjoying your tripio abroadio.

I may have a new job and I wonder if you 2 are ready for a new job as my coaches. I dont mean driving the bus but workingo with me to start winning urld cups.

Pay will be high so if you fancy a different type of panto then call me on 0845 115 9689. Premium rate number so let me know as if you cant do it then deanoio and wellardio are up for it.

Fab

Dear Ant and Deks,

hope you are well and not feeling the heat too much. Since becoming King AND Queen of the Jungle I've never been so busy, with pantos here and pantos there, I'll be right behind you pair soon, and with one more thrust, i might even squeeze between you and spend some time on the top for a change.

My friend on the crew (he's the Plymouth fan - another gay sailor ) keeps telling me that how hard pushed the crew are on the trip, no sooner are they choking their chickens than the shout goes up "all hands on Dec" and they have to rush up and service the guests...

Lots of hugs and kiss,

Deano... er .. I mean Biggins... ok its a fair cop - look lads, I fell out of me canoe in Port Soderick and can't remember what happened for the last few weeks - I can't beleive everyone thought I was dead - and when I found out mustang had sold up and moved to Governors Hill I was gobsmacked - anyone seen wellard?

Anne is currently out of the office at the moment and will never return.

If your enquiry is urgent please contact our Panama Ofice you Geordie tossers.

Declan and Anthony

Just a quick e-mail from your friendly IFA. As you know I left my plush North East Office a few years ago and the net is now closing in on me for some of your investments. You remeber the ones you signed its for the Columbian Flour Investment fund and the Wacky Bakkie GEB.

Nothing to worry about but I have now relocated to our new international office in Panama City. On your travels pop in for a chat and if anyone calls asking about me just refer them to my good lady.

Your IFA

Johnny, MIA, CIA, FBI

Offices in London, Paris, Tokyo,Madrid & Panama City

Geordie duo,

Sorry I havent been in touch but me and the baby squad have been on a short holiday courtesy of the Stockholm council. Anyway, how are you guys doing and are you doing any danska in the panto. I hope you guys release a DVD of the panto as you know as head of your swedish fan club the OHKO boys will buy the dvd.

I hope you lads have been practicing your drinking whilst you have been away I can now drink 2 and half pear ciders before I become blotto now. Anyway your football team the NEwcastle head hunters arent doing to well I always said they were last and ran away. Must go now but send me some photos of you both as the darts team need a new cover for the board.

Fred

Lads

Deano seems to have forgotten about me since this Mustang came on the scene 2 weeks ago !!! He has gone off with her to star in the pantomime (altho i realise you are the real stars and he is just a fake) without any consideration for his responsibilities.

He has moved house and i have only just managed to sniff out his new premises. Strangley there is a younger guy at the house at the moment, a mini-Deano, if you will. Never seen him before in my life. I think it might be Martin Platt's love child, just looking after the house.

Deano seems to have forgotten that a dog is for life not just for xmas!!

Wellard

Ant/Dec

Its me Hankie and I am gutted the Captain and the crew got on the message board before me. Mind you everytime I go past your cabin I hear "its behind you" and I turn round and look and nothings there.

Thanks for the signed photo and I look forward to the panto of Sleeping Dec and Ant Crusoe. If you need any one to play any parts I love dressing up as you know from our games last night of pin the tale on the hankie and the spin me game which I loved until I nearly went overboard.

Love you both

H.

Hi lads,

its Dean Gaffney here and just a quick e-mail to say that I have arrived at the thearte and it is amazing.

Myself and Mustang have had a spring clean and the place looks fit for a party. I have practiced my lines and I think we will all go down a storm. Good news is tickets are selling fast and those T shirts of you both with Mrs Dittman with the slogan "Holy Sxit" look fantastic.

Keep your pecker up.

Deano

But captain, I thought you preferred "Aladdin"?

Ant/Dec it is good to see you both, if you need a shower, please pop down to my quarters. I will dry you both off with my Plymouth towel if you like.

Yevgeney x

Hello Gay Sailors!

This is your captain speaking. It is an honour to have you both on baord, I had Dec last night on the Starfish bow and Ant this morning in the lifeboat.

You 2 guys are so great. I love all your shows and i am really looking forward to the on-board pantomime. "Dec Whittington" or was it "Dec and the beanstalk". it should be brilliant.

I am sorry for keeping you awake at night but your cabin is quite near mine on the lower decks and i can't resist choking the chicken before going to sleep.

You were very lucky to get on board my big vessel as it has been booked up solid for the past few months.

All aboard for the next part of our exciting journey and don't forget to pop up to the bridge Dec and i will let you blow my horn again.

Captain BH

Ant/Dec,

Why is it so hard to post a message it took me half an hour to work out the sum. I see your in all the places we should have been going during last years world cup or is it this year.

Not been the same since I put that brolly over my head and had a cup of tea. Cant belive an Englishman gets slated for drinking tea.

Anyway I know what you mean about those camels I once had 20 donkeys and a giraffe and I could never get them to do what I wanted. Never mind but reason for my e-mail is to say that I got your invite to play in the poker face charity event and I should be able to make it unless I get offered a job abroad. I have heard through my agent that Tazmania are after me and have offered me a very good contract.

Say in touch lads and will see you both soon.

Macca

Hello Boys

How are you 2, i hope my Arnie look a like hunk is doing well and keeping his nose clean in Tashkent. I wish i was there with you I love Uzbekistan it brings back memories of summer holidays at Lake Aral before the chemical spill!

Bad news is i have to work in paradise bar, the snake escaped last nite and we are all on overtime until it is found. It must have slipped up the stairs, all 27 of them.

Uncle Yuri says he will meet you at the train station on Friday at about 9am, he will be in his white lada, although everyone has a white lada in Tashkent. He will be outside the station opposite the Rovshan Hotel. I am sure you will both stand out like sore thumb and he will know who you are from Saturday nigth take away re-runs.

I moscow now as i am meeting Inna for a vodka and juice in the KU Bar for lunch.

Lena xx Your Private Dancer