Day 28

Our bloody alarm didn't go off, and so at 730am, we heard a banging on our door…..it was the tour guide. He was wondering where we were, we jumped up in a panic and grabbed all our clothes and belongings, and stuffed them into our bags. We were very late….the bus was meant to leave at 730am. We were downstairs in 10mins and the bus wasn't delayed too long. We drove to the Vietnamese border, it was at this point that I discovered I hadn't given the hotel its key back….oops. In my panic I had just got on the bus without properly checking out. I gave the key to the tour guide and he was going to post it for us. At the Cambodian border we were dropped off on the road at the checkpoint in the boiling sun and had to walk toward the border. The sun was baking down and we were told to get our passports and a dollar ready. We enquired what the dollar was for, and we were told that the Vietnamese border police may demand the $1 as a tax…..or they wouldn't let you in the country. Cambodia and Vietnam are great, but my god they are corrupt. Our guide told us that a Cambodian policeman is one of the best jobs to get. Apparently you have to pay a large sum of money to become a policeman, this is because you can extort a huge amount from the general public. The average policeman will pay a vast amount and then spend the first few years taking bribes and extorting money. When we got to the desk, the Vietnamese officer indeed asked for our "taxes" and we were allowed to enter. We jumped on another bus and drove to Chau Doc. A few hours later we arrived at Chau Doc and checked into our hotel.

I went out to grab some water and walked into a little café, packed with older Vietnamese men playing a game much like chess. They were all very surprised to see a white man in there, and I attracted a lot of attention. One of the blokes asked me how I was and offered to shake my hand, I accepted and as he shook it, he tickled my palm with his middle finger…..a bit weird. All the other men were laughing and smiling, and unsure as to what had just taken place I left. When I got back to the hotel, I asked the guide what this hand shake meant…..apparently it was an offer to have sex…..terrific. Obviously the old boy was doing to take the piss out of the foreign white man…so I saw the funny side of it. An hour later, the whole group were out the front of the hotel and we were all assigned a motorbike driver. We jumped on the backs of the bikes and were driven around the town at breakneck speeds by these nutters. The drivers were racing each other and the passengers enjoyed the rush. My driver was called "Dac" and he spent the journey teaching me the Vietnamese for certain animals. We drove up to the top of a hill/mountain and admired the view from there. You could see out across Vietnam and into Cambodia, pretty impressive. We jumped back on the bikes, and they took us to a fabulous temple to explore. That evening, after a shower we went to a local restaurant and had a traditional Vietnamese dinner.

Day 29

Another early start and another long bus journey, including a ferry crossing. We arrived at Saigon (Ho Chi Minh City) at 145pm. We walked around the city, it was crazy. There were literaly millions of mopeds and bikes everywhere. I have never been to a city where the highway code and traffic lights are ignored as much. To cross the road, you have to walk out, and let the bikes drive round you….madness. We were led around the city by our guide to orientate us. There was a small group of us who wanted to try a Vietnamese speciality…dog. The guide put us in a taxi and told us where to go to get the best stuff. We arrived on the other side of the city in a back alley. The driver pointed us down the alley and told us to walk. As we walked feeling a little nervous about where we were and what we were about to do, a local man looked at us and immediately knew we were after "cho" Vietnamese for dog. He pointed upstairs to a local café. The café interior was like a London public toilet, and it smelt the same too. It was empty, apart from 2 locals staring at us. We were seated by the waiter, and given a menu. After 2minutes of confused conversation with the waiter, we were happy that we had ordered what we were after. It came out in various dishes, that looked and tasted like lamb. We were surprised at how nice it was, and were concerned that it wasn't fido after all. We asked the waiter once again to confirm that it was dog. He nodded his head in confusion and walked away. We felt happy…..but then he returned with another 2 plates of rover…..b*****, it was okay but I don't want more of it. We had to send it back. As we were tucking into our portions of lassie, we noticed there was a sauce that was covered. As I opened it, the putrid smell was overwhelming, and I felt like I was going to be sick. It was a disgusting dog sauce, and we immediately covered it. It was most likely durian fruit (a horrific local fruit that tastes of rotten onions and smells of sewage) , but our guide said it could have been dog blood….oh god. We left and explored the city and then went back to the hotel for a swim in the pool. That evening we went out to a local restaurant for dinner. I had a Vietnamese special dish of marinated beef cooked on a roof tile. They give you a large housed fire with a roof tile on top, and you cook the beef yourself. Really nice food, certainly better than the dog, but you were soon cooking yourself, from being so close to the fire. We went out had a few beers, played darts in a local bar and then went to bed. We had quite a few beers, as a few of the people from our group were leaving the tour and we had a few newcomers taking their place.

Day 30

We were up at 630am and after breakfast, we were off to the Cu Chi tunnels. These tunnels were used by the VietCong and North Vietnamese armies during the Vietnam war. Our tour guide served in the South Vietnam army during the war as a translator, and he had quite a few stories about the war for us. The tunnels were tiny, and most of us climbed into and crawled along inside them for 50-100m, depending on how clostrophobic you were. The tunnels were very very tight and were quite an experience. After about 50m, my legs cramping, the air thick and hot, I decided that I had seen enough and crawled out at one of the exits. We then went through to the shooting range, where I paid to fire off a number of AK47 rounds and held an M16, M30 as well. Back on the coach, back to the hotel and prepare for our 12 hour night train to Nha Trang. We got on the train at 745pm and were shown to our "quarters". Luckily we had been upgraded and we were staying in a nice sleeper area. There were 4 beds/bunks to a room, and there wasn't a great deal of room between them. We watched a film on the netbook and then got ready for bed. Our guide, who has been fantastic this tour, fell asleep instantly. The train was very loud and the earplugs just about drowned the noise out. However the loudest noise was not the train, it was the tour guide snoring….my god, it was like a giant yak was mating in our room. I managed to fall asleep but poor Kelly was awake most of the journey.

Day 31

We arrived at 7am at Nha Trang. We popped out for breakfast and then jumped on a coach to a local beach. We paid $17 each and had out own secluded beach, unlimited vietnamese food and booze. It was a good day. I played football with some locals on the beach with the other English guys on the tour…. 35degrees , roasting sun and alcohol in the system…not my best performance. The toilets were an experience…. A large concrete slab surrounded by a plastic curtain that you relieved yourself on. You then went into the well and scooped out some water to clean it off…very strange. Great day. Back to the hotel and out for dinner.

Day 32

We went to a large island (Vin Pearl) off the coast of where we were staying, which had a massive theme park and water park on it. We spent the day scaring ourselves on various rides and slides and then back home to get ready for another sleeper train.

Day 33

We arrived in Hoi An, which is an area known for its tailoring and dress making. We spent a couple of hours walking around the tailors and Kelly bought 2 dresses and a pair of shorts for 50% of the price it would cost in Sydney. One of the dresses she is planning on wearing to her brother's wedding. That evening we went out for dinner and a few drinks in a local bar. The bar had table football, and so I was in heaven.

Day 34

Kelly went off for a second fitting for her clothes, and somehow managed to buy another dress and a hand bag on the way….unbelievable. I however, was off on a cycle tour of the country side. I set off at 9am and got a taxi to a local bar. The day started badly, as I left my wallet in the taxi, and luckily the taxi driver was an honest soul, and brought it back to the bar. Lifesaver!!! The group was 9 people strong and we were all given a basic mountain bike. We set off in the blazing heat, and we could tell it was going to be a hot one. The first stop was at a local fish processing plant. The men had been out all night fishing, and their catch had been left on the banks for the women to process during the day. The women, wash boil and then salt the fish and lay them out to dry in the sun. We wondered through the huge fields of drying fish and tried the odd one. This fish was to be sent to a nearby plant to be turned into fish sauce….i say plant, as Im struggling to find a better word, but it was basically a reasonable sized house that had huge wooden vats in the garden. We cycled to this plant and the smell of fish sauce was overwhelming. We wondered through the plant and sampled different batches of fish sauce and were amazed by the differences in them. One of them tasted like a roast beef dinner, it was very strange. We then cycled to a ferry port and got a dodgy ferry across the river. We then cycled to a local fishermans house where we sampled his rice wine. We learnt about his family and how they make the wine, and we were each given a large shot glass to drink. It was then that our cycle guide (A 60 year old mad mancunian drunk who had been living here for 8 years and looked like captain birdseye and oliver reed's love child), told us that it was rude to leave a full bottle of rice wine for the host. We each had quite a few glasses, and an hour or so later, many of us were fairly on the way. Back on the bikes….and the fun begins. Luckily the roads are empty, as we were in the country, and we were all pretty merry. The locals were subjected to a great deal of on the road Karaoke singing. We were shown multiple country sites, such as local fish traps and American bomb sites, on the way to our lunch destination. This was an old shack in the middle of nowhere, where we were served noodle soup, and copious amounts of water to rehydrate. After lunch we had to cross a bamboo bridge, that was like something out of Indiana jones. Many of the planks were missing and you had to be careful not to put your tire in the hole as you would fall into the river. We were given the option of walking but we all decided to brave it and cycle across the bridge. It was terrifying, but fun. From here we cycled to a local rushmat weavers house and spent some time chatting to the locals. Our mad guide was given a puppy by the family which he accepted and then cycled home, half drunk, one handed, carrying a dog…very bizarre. The cycle home was long and after the ferry journey home we arrived at the madman's bar, and were served all you can eat barbeque and beer. We thanked captain Birdseye and I jumped on a motorbike taxi and was home by 8pm and pretty much fell asleep.

Day 35

Up pretty early again and on a coach to Hue, halfway up the eastcoast. It was another long old coach journey, about 5 hours. We arrived at 1ish, dumped our stuff and had to meet in the hotel lobby. Once again we had a motorbike tour arranged, and there were 13 riders waiting for us downstairs. I was assigned a rider, whose name was Tum, and our local guide was called Tam….and my name is….this was going to get confusing. Our main tour guide, Alabama will, told us that Tam was a bit crazy and was a TaiChi master. This would become very apparent to me later in the day. The bikes roared through the town, and showed us the sights a normal tourist wouldn't see. These included backstreets, country paths alongside canals and the poorer areas of town. Our first stop was a Buddhist nunnery, where the nuns had made us a local vegan banquet. This meal was fantastic and after we were full to the brim with tasty green fodder, we were back on the bikes. Tam took us to a temple and was showing us traditional Vietnamese farming tools. Rice is the main export in Vietnam and they are the second biggest producer/exporter after Thailand. As he showed us the equipment, he began to sway and smoothly move his body very much in a taichi/robot dancing style. This weird show had us in stitches. He was quite a character, especially when he found out that Kelly was my girlfriend….sorry fiancée (that feels weird saying that) and he suggested that she might have had beer goggles on….very funny. I talked to him about his taichi for quite a while. The Taichi he does, is not the slow old woman style that we are familiar with, but a super fast Jackie Chan style. Later he would show me his speed first hand. Back on the bikes and flying down the backstreets like Jason Bourne, we pull up outside an old cottage. We were invited inside and met a local celebrity…..a one armed hat maker. She had one arm, with a tiny little finger on the end…a bit weird, but she could bang a hat out in minutes. We then drove to the citadel, by now my confidence in Tum (my driver) was growing and my tight grip to the back of his bike was now relaxed. While walking around the citadel, Tam(guide) showed me the speed of his hands, and within seconds he had gently hit me in the chest multiple times and spun in mid air to execute a reverse leg sweep. It was very gentle but the speed was terrifying. He then began to conduct a high speed back massage/assault using his elbows. Quite an experience. We then scooted down to a local incense candle maker, where we were shown how to prepare the sticks and how the fuel is made. We were home by 5. Across the road from the hotel was a salon/barbers and my hair was getting quite long, as was my beard. I went across and haggled a price for a haircut and cutthroat shave. Within 2 minutes of sitting on the reclined chair, I realised I had made a big mistake. The owner of the shop had cut my hair, but her 17year old apprentice was now chopping at my face like a Vietnamese Sweeney todd. The hairs were essentially plucked out of my face, and I made sure to check the mirror every 30 seconds, to make sure I still had lips!!! After 5mins of agony, I told them that it was painful, and they changed the razor, it had been blunt. The remaining 5 mins was smoother but still terrifying. My facial hair was too long, and they were chopping at it, like they were in a paddyfield. The owner, had now taken over, due to my distress and she made an "oops" type sound. I jumped up and noticed she had tried to excavate a dimple in my chin, and blood was oozing out. She pushed me back down, and made a baby like noise, thrusting toilet paper onto my face. When it was all over, I did have a smooth face, a small cut on my chin, but a severe case of the shakes…never again. That evening we went out for a curry with the group at a local restaurant, and a few beers at a local bar.

Day 36

We only had a couple of hours before another 14hour sleeper train. We popped to the shops and got a cyclo back. A Cyclo is a bicycle, with a small carriage on the front. The driver pedals and you sit in the front. It's slow but fun. We got on the train and began to watch films on our laptop. We paused for lunch, homemade sandwiches, and yet I was still hungry, and we popped out to get some boiling water for our complementary pot noodles. We were sharing our room with another couple, and so there were 2 sets of bunkbeds to sleep on. When we returned, there was glass everywhere. Apparently something had hit the train window and glass had flown into our room covering our beds, and where we had been sitting, only minutes earlier. The other couple were pretty shaken up, and I immediately was overcome by our luck. Had we not got up 2 minutes earlier, we would have been covered with glass, at high speed. Although it was thick, almost safety glass, it still could have done some damage…..the film final destination, kept flashing through my mind. We were moved to another room, and slept the rest of the journey. 10 hours later, 445am and we were at our next destination, Hanoi. From here we jumped into another bus and a 4 hour journey until we arrived at the magical Halong Bay.

Day 37

We got into Halong bay at 9amish, and crawled out of the bus exhausted after around 15hours of travelling. There isn't much in Halong bay, apart from the famous rock formations out at sea, and so we struggled to find anywhere that did a western style breakfast. A western style breakfast, is a phrase we've come to commonly use. Its basically eggs with somekind of bread. This differs greatly from the non western style of breakfast, which is boiling hot soup or cooked bugs or boiled chickens faces or things equally unappetising first thing in the morning. After 45mins, we found somewhere, that sold croissants and quiche….bingo. Back to the hotel and we prepared for our boat journey into the bay. We boarded the boat at 12ish and were on it for 4 hours. It was an old junk boat, and it took us all around the bay and caves. We stopped to jump into kayaks and paddled into some of the caves, stopping for a quick swim in an idyllic lagoon in between huge rock formations. Halong Bay is one of the most beautiful places in the world, and it was an amazing experience. Back to the hotel for 530pm. Quick recharge and then out for dinner. Next stop Hanoi.

Day 38

We arrived at Hanoi after a 4 hour bus at 12pm. We checked into our room and jumped in a taxi to the old quarter. The old quarter, is an old area of the capital. The buildings are quaint and the streets are narrow. Each street sells a different product, ie shoe street, where all the shops sell shoes. We bought some sunglasses, as the fake pair I had purchased from Thailand were not working any more, and some presents for home. Back to the hotel and then out for dinner. We went to a local Italian restaurant, which was expensive, but was worth it for our western food fix.

Day 39

We were up by 8am to visit Ho Chi Minhs Mausoleum and home. He was the Vietnamese leader and is still very much loved even after his death. The Mausoleum was a strange experience. It was deathly quiet, and his glass tomb was surrounded by armed expressionless guards. His body looked like a wax work model and was very well preserved. After the tomb, we went to see his presidential home and then off to a water puppet show. This is a unique Vietnamese performance, involving water and funnily enough….puppets. It dates back to ancient floods, when the locals invented the puppets as a way to pass the time. It was quite an experience….sort of the karate kid meets punch and judy. Then back home for a sleep. I had been suffering from a dose of man flu the last 2 days, and needed the power nap. It was the last supper, and the 13 disciples were going to be reduced to 6 come the morning. Fairly boozy but home by 11, as we had to be up by 530am to continue our journey to Laos.