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Day 13
We went to the War Tunnels created and used by the Vietcong during the Vietnam War. When entering, our guide took us to a little hut where a video was showing. The screen was showing black and white footage of Vietnamese people fighting; the eerie dubbed voice described how this great women had won the spectacularly originally named honor: 'The Award for killing Americans" as she managed to murder over 100 soldiers - pleasant. We hoped it was made at the time, though looking around us at the local guides and civilians made us wonder…..
After the tunnels I had to try and get my camera fixed since the Cambodian sand (obviously no fault of mine!) b*****ed the lense up. After agreeing a reasonable price I mulled around Saigon and ended up in a little guitar shop run by Borat's mother - the Vietnamese version of Phil Mitchell. Looking at some guitars I decided to leave before impulse took over leaving me with a Gibson les Paul strapped to my back and a Marshal Amp hanging from my rucksack.
Back at the hotel was the first group meeting for the Vietnam trip. Only two people were joining us, a butch Lesbian couple from Australia. The meeting hence turned into 'Meet the Muffers', the third installment to Ben Stiller's successful franchise. We also met Son our new tour guide - a rather strange smiling man whose facial expression portrays both overwhelming happiness and unrestraint anger - a smiling psychopath if you ask me.
Feeling tired and distinctly male I decided to order a Pizza (RIDICULOUSLY expensive) and watch the Spurs on T.V - sorted.
Day 14
Picked up camera - working perfectly. On the way back I decided to return to Mrs. Borat Mitchell and buy one of her little traveling guitars. After haggling pretty hard and refusing to pay her price, I was suddenly surrounded by Phil and Grant who grabbed the guitar off me and started putting it away. In fear for my life I just paid the creepy lady the price and grabbed the guitar so I could run far, far a-a-way find comfort and pain, all pleasures the same, it just keeps me from trouble - wise words James.
We later headed for a homestay. The destination was off the Mekong River and the scenery was sensational. The actual location was down a little river alleyway, something out of that terrible film with J-Lo, Anaconda or something. The homestay was absolute luxury compared to the Cambodian (the authentic) one, with proper beds and fans. It wasn't until after dinner that the hosts actually joined us for a traditional musical performance. Now I know it's a different culture and what sounds good to them is different to our western tastes; BUT, it was the most terrible thing I have ever had the mispleasure of hearing - far worse than Nicole screeching 'RESPECT ME' as I won't stop playing the piano so loud; worse than that time Dan and Jay played the violin so badly that the plant in the dining room actually committed suicide; even worse than David Hasslehof attempting 'This is the Moment' on Americas Got Talent; even more painful thanHeather from Easterners (who happens to be sitting right next to me - hello jabba would you like a biscuit….probably….do you know why…because your fat…your really, really fat….in fact your so fat that a G8 conference was actually called to address the problem that 10% of global warming is down to the amount of Carbon Dioxide that you exhale. Did I mention you were fat? ) prancing round in nothing but a thong whilst grinding her hips to the beat of Shakera, oiling her large greasy body whilst seductively sucking a calypso Lil Wayne style. Pretty bad then! To add to the cringe, the peculiar chap by the name of Son decided to share with the group a song close to his heart - Brian Adam's classic 'Right Here Waiting For You', performed deadly seriously from start to finish with no interruption - strange strange man.After a traditional rice wine drinking game and an argument with Becky'18 going 80 I know everything and have a story for everything' Davis, trying to convince her that she needs to chill out and act her age - I went to bed.
P.S She is sooooo unbearable annoying, with her West Country farmer accident and arrogance - she's a carer for god sake, she wipes peoples arses - that's not something to boast about!!!
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Day 15
Since it was raining last night the bike ride was out of the question.So our great Fuhrer Son came up with a great solution: lets ride really early in the morning, before breakfast, with all our stuff, for 4 miles to the bus - wouldn't that be fun! Acting like the biggest Jewish Princess ever I made Son carry 2 out of 3 of my bags as I rode off in the distance, wind running through my hair - make the best out of a situation - the group felt bad for Son so offered to carry my stuff - surprisingly I didn't feel bad……..it is his job after all……
During the ride we stopped off at a silk weaving place. We were offered a go. Obliging, I went to step up and put my foot straight through the middle of their beautiful silk weaving - oops - apparently there was a bar they told us to stand on - I wasn't listening - surprising. Further on we joined a pretty busy road and I decided to cut up a car…for jokes. To be honest I am an amazing driver and I'm sure those skills would convert to a bicycle. It's not like I've ever had any accidents.
That night we left Saigon for good, on an overnight train to Na Trang. Had to say my teary goodbyes to my receptionist and the worker at the café opposite, who both proposed - mum I'm married….twice…they both converted for you thiugh, their now Kim Jong Miriam Mordecahi and Han Kong Rachel Moshe, I think you'll like them. The train was a VIP train and was really rather nice. Unfortunately I had to bunk with the Muffers. Muffer No.1 started the journey by turning to me and saying: 'I've noticed you've got strong opinions, this is gonna be fun' - GULP! You see Lesbians don't like me. I'm everything they hate about men rolled into one - I was scared s***less. I know the cliché expression when sharing a room with homosexuals is to sleep with your back against the wall - in my case it was my front that was firmly thrusted against the side, in fear of not penetration…but castration!
An uncomfortable 12 hours to say the least.
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