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I’m very behind on the blog so I’ll go through Vietnam at Vietnam pace. No I don’t mean the Vietnam war pace. I won’t be spending 20 years on 2 weeks, plundering through the jungle to stop the increase of communist verbs entering the text - I mean like the modern day country, ridiculously busy, fast and loud.
Day 17 - Natrang - spent half the day at a mud bath spar with a small group of us including Heather. The sight of her hideously large body grinding in slimy mud was somewhat helped by the fact the mud got in my eyes and my contact lenses came out . In my blurry confusion I kept screaming and hence had to keep reminding myself that it was not a hippo in the bath next to me trying to eat me, Heather had just skipped breakfast!
Day 18 - 21 Hoi An - A smaller town near the beach where the main attraction is ridiculously cheap tailored suits. I managed to get the most amazing deal - 2 Kashmir made to measure suits for 100 dollars including free shipping. The deal was so good that the poor lady cried and begged me for more money. A deal is a deal…….
One particularly funny story happened on day one here. After shopping around for suits me and James hopped on the back of some mopeds to the beach. I decided to have a dip in the sea while Big Jay stayed with the bags. I ended up staying in the sea for while chatting to an English doctor who reminded somewhat of The Midge. I return to Jimbo chatting with a Vietnamese man. James immediately says ‘you talk to Jonny’ and sprints into the sea. Trying to make some small talk and failing, I take out my camera and start taking pictures of a pretty stunning beach. Staring directly at the camera the fella asks “How bigs your cock” “ 10 mega pixels with an 8gb memory stick” I replied. The seed of doubt of his question was cemented after a painful few minutes of silence when his next question was “you make love?” followed with the charming “you ever let anyone suck your cock?”(Intersting use of 'let' I might add) follwed by a to the point “you cum a lot?”. After another horrific silence and pitiful atempts to laugh it off James finaly returned with a smug look on his face. To get back at him I obviously used my talent as Hatch End’s number 1 windup merchant to antagonise the situation on James’ behalf. The man had the amazing ability to just nod at everything - so I just asked him ridiculous questions in which he just nodded passionately. According to this, Jonny was a rapant homosexual Totenham fan who's favourite musical is rent and often likes to cuddle up on the sofa with a box of chocaltes listening to 'Total eclipse of the heart' on repeat.....sounds like my kind of man to be honest..... Quickly escaping, James explained the equally outrageous questions he was asked. It turned out that the man was looking for a nice wily to settle down with, but it was hard (no pun intended) in Vietnamese culture. Instead he uses the internet to set up random encounters on the beach. I knew that tight purple shirt was a bad idea!
Day 21-23 Hue. Nothing particularly interesting in the historic capital. Lots of big monuments that would have been impressive if they weren’t made at the same time that we had cars. The hotel was directly on the main road. The incessant beeping made it impossible to sleep = massive headaches. Incredibly fed up of Vietnam at this point.
Day 24 - Hanoi. Walking around in Hanoi is hard. Walking around in Hanoi with a migraine and so unable to see out of one eye is even harder. Big loud Vietnamese city- that’s a change!
Day 25 -26 - Halong Bay. Absolutely quality. Amazing boat and great lunch on board. Stunning natural scenery - easy to see why it’s a world natural heritage site. Cat ba island was just like Mallorca, it was a national holiday so every man and his dog (if he hadn’t eaten it) was there. Good night out.
The next morning begun as per usal - Everyone angry that I’m late. Common guys its meant to be a holiday. Relax! Went kayaking to Monkey island. Finally lost my temper at Muffer no. 1 who kept sticking her dikish lesbian nose into my business telling me how unfair it was that the instructor was doing the majority of the paddling in our Kayak. He doesn’t have to paddle you feminist sack of bad dna…..ahhhh thinking about her makes me sooo angry. I’m in Sydney having an amazing time and the thought of her broad shoulder incessant nonsense will ruin my mood…..she is thought about no more!
Goodbye and good f***ing riddance to Son and the muffers. All I can say is that I hope I turn on the news and find reported that an unfortunate strap on incident has paralyzed a Brisbane couple.
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