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An Ark Full of Animals and a Pig
Day 1
We set off from Rurrenabaque in a 4x4 jeep, complete with two cooks and the rest of our group, which consisted of 3 girls, 2 from Bristol and 1 from Croydon. We were very pleased with our group as the others were much bigger and full of Israelis (noisy). It was a very bumpy and dusty 3 hour ride down a dirt road before we reached our lunch destination, which was a very dusty café on the roadside. After lunch, which was a very sparse affair, we jumped back into the jeep and after 15 minutes arrived on the banks of the river Beni, where our wooden dug out canoe awaited us.
Here we met our guide and watched in horror as he started scooping water out of our canoe. We all prayed that it wouldn't sink. Eventually it was all dry, and we loaded our bag and provisions for the entire trip. We set off on a lovely ride up the Beni, which was really peaceful. All surrounding us was lush green plants and we got t see lots of wildlife. Almost immediately we saw a group of endangered pink river dolphins, as well as lots of huge birds and turtles. At one point we pulled into a bush and the guide gave us a banana to feed the monkeys with. They clambered all over us and ate from the bananas, although Charlie didn't manage to feed them because the pig dropped the banana (her trotters couldn't get a good grip) and ended the experience for everyone, since the monkeys ran off with it into the bush.
Later on, we all took turns to drive the motorised canoe. Charlie was quite good at it, although we nearly did crash into the side when he turned the handle thing on the engine the wrong way by accident. The pig was next to try out her skills, which needless to say were minimal. We weaved all around the river at various speeds and in general the whole affair was entirely unsuccessful. Lisa also had a more successful attempt at driving the boat.
Eventually we reached our camp, which was basically a load of old wooden buildings on sticks in the middle of a swamp. Better than expected then. We all sat out at the ?Sunset Bar? which was actually just some planks with a view of the sun (just like the rest of the camp because it was so badly built). Soon mosquitos attacked everyone, so we went inside for dinner, which was a surprisingly civilised affair considering our surroundings.
After dinner, we all headed out again in the canoe and paddled up the river in search of caimans, alligators and crocodiles. A pair of red eyes was spotted in the bush, and the the kulak (guide) pulled the boat up onto land and went off into the jungle in search of crocodillians, leaving us abandoned in the canoe feeling a bit scared. Although he did have to return a couple of times to shush us because we were making too much noise and scaring off the animals, ha ha. Eventually he returned, very apolgetic because he said he couldn't find any animals for us. Then we heard a scrabbling noise and we all screamed as he revealed a baby crocodile. We all touched and held it and the poor thing looked very frightened. Then the kulak put it in its mouth, so goodness knows what the baby croc felt like then.
After this we returned to camp to bed, where the hardest and thinnest matresses in the world awaited us. At least we had mosquito screens.  The room was filled with delight as the pig managed to break her bed just by sitting on it. Throughout the night a noisy group of animals kept us awake with their non human gabbling ? Israelis!
Day 2
We awoke after a fairly disturbed sleep to Rambo the kulak knocking on our door at 5:30am. We rushed to get ready but as usual were last onto the boat and thought we?d missed the sunrise. The people in the boat looked angry, particularly the pig with her heavy set brow. We zoomed down the river, thus keeping the mosquitoes away but as soon as we pulled up on the banks the little b*****s were everywhere. We climbed over a fence and watched the sunrise from a field.  The experience was marred by the presence of mosquitoes and because the sunrise here was equal to any sunrise in Britain. It?s the same sun after all. Charlie and Lisa moaned about wanting to go back for breakfast much to the anger of the other group members. On the way back to camp we stopped the engine to listen to the ?dawn chorus?, again this sounded like the rest of the noise present throughout the day.
Breakfast was a very filling affair especially as we all sat down at a table prepared for 7 people. The two extra portions were kept away from the pig?s side of the table and distributed equally. We had fruit, eggs, bread, jam and coffee but all was well prepared and delicious. During the meal a Black Caiman arrived beneath the kitchen area so we all went to stare until thoughts of food disrupted this moment. The Caiman didn?t seem particularly interested in entertaining us either.
The wellies were donned and we clamboured back in the boat to go Anaconda hunting. An Anaconda was never found but we did have an interesting tour of the trees and given uses for their products. One tree had sap used for toothache, another had poison (the spikey tree in the photos). We were also shown a plant related to Coca that was grown for cocaine and made a halucinogenic tea. The pig decided to take some leaves, this led to a later conflict with the pig and the kulak. The kulak had been brought up in the jungle and so knew nature?s pharmacy. Although his knowledge was thrown into doubt when he tried to explain that Mimosa, a sensitive plant, ate flies. Lisa knew from Uni Biology that the plant retracts its leaves to avoid being eaten and to protect itself from heat not to eat animals. We learned how to make whistles (see video) and how to juice a grapefruit using the fruit as a glass. Ali was also given the title of Pampas Queen and the kulak wrapped a vine around her head and put a leaf in it. The decoration didn?t last very long. Wellies were very useful when we walked through the long grass and water flooded the ground. This was Anaconda territory but there was still too much water as the rainy seasn had only just finished.
We returned to camp on the boat and relaxed for a siesta. Lisa and Charlie, being the clean members of the group, took showers. The shower was a pipe, the room made of wood, the drain went into the river and that was animal poo (debateable which kind but we hope it wasn?t human) in the cubicle. We felt very refreshed and went straight into a delicious lunch. We dallied around the camp until about 3pm and then went to another camp with the kulak to build jewellry.
The jewellry we made was from cocoa nuts. The kulak got it into his head that Lisa and Charlie were a couple and so they were given a Pampas Wedding and two very s*** rings were made. The rings were further rubbished by the kulak scarwling LISA, on Charlie?s ring and CARLOS on Lisa?s ring. The other girls got pretty necklaces so we were very bitter. The Pampas Queen and the pig ate grubs from the centre of these nuts, the more sensible group members declined.
Once we were all suitably adorned it was time for Pirañha fishing. Lisa obviously did not take part in this brutal exercise. Carlos debated whether to have a go and gave in to group pressure. Armed with meat, a line and a hook he set off feeding the fish. Unfortunately his feeding plan failed and a Pirañha succumbed to the hook. Carlos couldn?t watch as it was brought into the boat with a hook in its eye but generally still alive. Carlos was distressed and genuinely upset by this incident and decided that he was going to have no more to do with the slaughter. Actually there was no slaughter as Carlos?s fish was the first one caught and only two more were caught in the following 30 minutes; one by the kulak and one by the pig. The Pirañha managed to consume a pound of steak on the other hand so they got a fairly good deal.
We returned to camp with the three pirañha, staring at their very sharp teeth, and had dinner. The group ate two of the pirañha and the third small one was fed to the resident Caiman. According to Charlie (a well known non-fish connosieur) the pirañha tasted of fish.
The kulak then joined us for after dinner drinks on the wobbly Sunset Bar. We all chatted and brought out the Pampas apple that had been kept from today?s trek. The apple was white on the inside but apparently its juice stained the skin blue for 3 to 4 days. We decided to get tattoos and the kulak took charge with a twig as a design utensil. He began to draw on people the design they wanted but managed to screw them all up completely. Complicated patterns such as pirañha and monkeys turned into the strangest shapes. The simpler the design the better the kulak managed but he was certainly no artist. Once this it was ascertained that he had no more talent than a babboon there was a mutiny and the apple was passed into more competent hands for the second coat. Unfortunately it was too late for those choosing the complicated design (see photos). The lights went out in the middle of the art lesson, which was apparently due to the presence of plain clothes police looking for drugs. The camp was overrun with Israelis and so there was a large amount of marijuana on the property. We hoped the pig had hidden her stolen leaves. She kept questinning the kulak about how to make the tea but he obviously wanted nothing to do with it and said he wished he hadn?t shown us the plant. He didn?t want any trouble and hoped we would just be interested in seeing but the pig went too far trying to be cool. She just kept on trying to ask him.
We then went to our chamber as the lights came back on and settled down on the thin mattresses for the night. The Israelis were just as loud, rude and obnoxious tonight. Its a shame they travel in such obnoxious groups, they are never that bad on their own.
Day 3
We slept in until breakfast and feasted almost as well as the day before. Unfortunately the fruit level was down and deep fat fried products were up, much to the pigs delight. We prepared ourselves for swimming and set off on the boat to find endangered Pink River Dolphins (Inia geoffrensis). They are not quite as unfortunate as the Yangtze River Dolphin which was proclaimed extinct on the 13th Dec 2006. There are thought to be tens of thousands of the Amazon Pink River Dolphin and in Bolivia it is illegal to hunt them. We evetually found a quiet lagoon where they were swimming and all the girls got in to the brown water, Charlie declined and observed from the boat instead. Emma, who was thrown into the river, really didn?t like it and screamed lots (see video) until she got back to the boat. The screams were magnified when both Lisa and the pig were touched by the dolphins. It was quite a creepy experience because nothing could be seen below the surface, the water was brown and the dolphins were bigger than expected. There were about two or three of them playing with us and with the empty bottle we threw for them. One dolphin brought its beak out of the water and tried to bite the bottle. Lisa was touched by the dolphins twice on her feet and it felt hard but rubbery like a ball out of a computer mouse. The pig had trouble getting back in the boat and almost tipped out all other occupants.
We eventually left the dolphins and headed back for the camp. The kulak managed to find us two Capybara (The largest rodents on the planet) on the shore of the river. They were amazing to see, especially as they are so rare when the water is high. Lumicron angered Lisa by refusing to work at this point and got a severe whack. Charlie was responsible for the pictures as they soon moved away when another boat went past with a loud engine.
En route to camp there was a large tree over the river and the kulak said you could climb up and jump 12ft into the river. The water here had lots of pirañhas as there were no dolphins to keep them away. Only the pig was stupid enough to accept the challenge. We watched as she scaled the tree (with help) and reached the top. The kulak was in front and suddenly there was a scream, a giant rustle of leaves, falling debris and finally the mass of pig came into view falling like the trunchbull upside-down (back first) into the water. There was a giant splash and eventually the head surfaced with panicked eyes. We all tried to contain the sniggering but I imagine you are finding it as difficult as we did. She eventually reached the shore but even here the sniggering would not stop as she beached herself with a lot more than a builders bottom saluting the sky. We then waited for the kulak to drop himself into the water but he faffed too much and interest was lost especially as the moment was stolen by the Trunch Pig.
We then went back to camp laughing and joking as the pig was shaking. We consummed our final lunch and headed pack onto the boat with all our bags to return to the jeep. We had a 1 and a half hour ride and we hoped to stop to see Squirrel Monkeys so that Charlie had a chance to feed them. Unfortunately the kulak only stopped when Charlie spotted some Capuchin monkeys but they were very shy. The kulak then continued to speed down the river but encountered another boat on a blind corner and he swerved but we still hit. Charlie and Lisa both closed their eyes in fear but once survival was established sniggering took hold. We reached Santa Rosa, parked the boat, said goodbye to Rambo the Kulak and found our Jeep.
The Jeep ride back took longer than coming as the kulak had to change the wheel twice due to punctures! We also had new occupants, a local mother and child. The kulak was well trained in changing wheels but the only disaster was asking Charlie to help. Charlie helped move wheels about but when having to take one off another Jeep he dropped it and allowed it to roll into the swamp next to the road. He let it lie there, demanding that our kulak driver went into the swamp to get it. The driver of the other jeep just laughed with Carlos. This made the Pig snap and she waded in to grab the wheel but Charlie reclaimed responsibility and rolled it to the vehicle. After the two stops we got to Rurrenabaque in the evening and headed for the hotel and a shower. The dust from the unpaved road had covered our clothing, our skin and our lungs.
Final Thoughts: For once we are going to be extremely positive. This was an amazing trip. It was so varied and we saw so many animals. It lived up to more than we hoped it would be. Our guide was professional, knowledgeable, spoke english well and was fun. He even got a tip out of us! The only negative was the presence of very noisy Israelis.
Mark out of 10: 9.5
Next Time....... Rurrenabaque
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