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Panama City
Hospedaje Casco Viejo
We arrived in Panama City at a very large bus station and took a taxi to a pre-booked hostel. The taxi went through some very rough looking areas and we sat in the back hoping that the driver would not slow and certainly not stop. We stayed in an area called Casco Antiguo, a peninsula with some old grand looking buildings. At Hospedaje Casco Viejo we had to get beds in a dorm as the rest of the rooms were full. In the shower Lisa noticed that her legs had become Ann-like, fearing the spread of this disease to the rest of her body she laid down and hoped it would pass. The threat had passed by the morning and neither Ann disease nor DVT were present.
We were exhausted after our 34 hour journey and took the last two beds in the dorm. We tried to sleep early but were woken up by people talking very loudly with all the lights on from 11pm to 1am. We managed to get revenge on a few of these people in the morning as they stayed in their beds until midday. We asked if we could get a double room for the next night but we weren’t sure if the price was 12 dollars each (out of budget) or per room (a very good deal). We checked out a few others in the local area but only one seemed to be open. The rooms were cheaper but definitely much crispier, as the once grand building was falling apart. Another hotel was closed after one of the floors collapsed a week earlier killing 3 people. We decided to stay in our hotel as it was a Hilton compared to the others; it had free internet, kitchen use and private facilities. The showers were still only functional with cold water, which became appreciated by Lisa as she was invited for a hot shower in a granjad´s room. Lisa felt trapped as it would be rude to say “no” and she was too slow to think of a reasonable excuse. So she took a shower in his en-suite and cringed as she ran from his room in a towel….. Charlie just laughed. This particular granjad had lived in the hostel for a year and sat in his room on the computer all day and went to listen to Jazz at night (we declined an offer for an evening of Jazz and granjad chat).
The hostel was run by a very westernized English speaking Columbian man called Ricardo. He owned a maxi fifi-style printer which was lugged about the hostel to wherever it was needed most. Charlie used this one day to print flight details out. Another character in the hostel was a short-haired (lesbian) german lady who had retired and decided to live in Panama because she couldn’t afford bread in Germany. Obviously a little bit of a loon, she also confirmed this when taking 2 hours to explain something about her mop rat dog, which was never understood by Spanish, English or German speakers.
Just before leaving we paid for the room but Spanglish being a one-sided language meant that Charlie got the new Viking sounding surname of HAATMEM (See pic in Quito – this photo rebelled and neither person can be bothered moving it!). This was the way the Hostel Kulak translated Charlie’s spelling. A sniggering fit continued whilst the remaining paperwork got underway but we quickly returned to our quarters to snigger more heartily.
Whilst in the hostel, Charlie was reading a magazine about Panama City. In it, the local people are described as "a short, stocky people of great simplicity". We add this definition for those readers who are unfamiliar with our use of the word "kulak". This describes them perfectly!
Causeway
To escape the people in our hostel we went to an area known as the causeway. This is a chain of three islands connected by….. a causeway. We took a bus to the furthest island, where there was meant to be a shopping centre. Unfortunately LP was a little out-of-date here as the shopping centre was now a desolate empty zone with the remains of shops, a new looking building and only one restaurant still open for business. Our disappointment continued as we walked to the next island, where there were a line of restaurants that looked like they should be open but weren’t. On the final island we found the dock for the boat to Taboga and got some information. A very pointless trip as the Causeway seems solely designed for mariners.
Marine Foods
We decided that we couldn’t visit Panama and not see the famous canal. Then we realised that cruising a full transit of the canal would be much more fun that just staring at it from a viewing platform. We set off at 8am on a hideous rusty two storey boat, complete with 3 coach loads of SAGA granjas and granjads who joined us for the trip.
We set off around the Bay of Balboa at the Pacific Ocean end of the canal and began our transit by passing through the first set of locks (Miraflores locks). We also passed under the Bridge of the Americas, which we tough would make a good photo opportunity. We asked a very old granjad to take our picture with the bridge in the background, but the technology proved too much for poor old granjad to cope with. Granjad squished the camera to his face to squint through the viewfinder instead of using the video screen, and ended up with his sunglasses over the lens when the picture was taken (see picture).
Later on, a very greasy geeky middle aged man who looked like Bill Gates and Stephen Hawkings lovechild with massive NHS style glasses, grandma knitted clothes and a pedophiles demeanor, creepily moved his chair over towards where Lisa was sitting. He then proceeded to sit in silence and made us both very nervous. Lisa nearly vomited at this personal space intrusion, so we ran away to the other side of the boat.
We also met a stout lady, a most definate Anne, who was on holiday with her friends. It turns out they were doing missionary work and were Jehova´s witnesses. Needless to say, we terminated the conversation immediately and tried not to be sick.
Another reason we went on the canal cruise was that breakfast, lunch and tea (cake!) were included. We felt like pigs as we piled our plates high and then struggled to finish them. We felt less like pigs when the SAGA tour group managed to wolf down on average 3 plates each and then still sniff about looking for scraps.
We had a bilingual narrator that told us lots of facts about the canal during the transit. However, we only ever saw his feet poking through a bit of railing (see picture) until the end of the trip, when he revealed himself and started crooning love songs. Oh dear.
The old fogies tour group all wore name badges (in case they forgot their own names we expect) so we spent a lot of the trip looking for any called Anne. Unfortunately, none were Anne by name, but a few were Anne by nature.
We saw an alligator on the banks of the canal, and huge cruise liners and container ships passed us in the canal. Lots of kulaks waved to us from the passing ships, and we waved back like crazies. After passing through 2 more sets of locks, we arrived at the Atlantic Ocean, where a dolphin greeted our arrival by jumping out of the water in front of our boat.
At the end of our trip, we docked at Colon 2000 (a famous cruise ship dock, apparently) where we were whisked back by bus to Panama City. What a great day! (Yes – we actually thought something was good for once).
Miraflores Locks
After the fabulous canal trip we decided to visit the docks from dry land and took a bus to the nearest locks, Miraflores. Here there was a large museum with lots of information, models and things to play with. It cost us $5 to get in and that was a student rate. It is great to use the IYTC card as an ISIC and the kulaks have no idea there is a difference.
We watched the locks again and shouted “Marine Foods” at an appropriate place in the dialogue of the commentator. We then watched a video and Lisa erroneously purchased a Crunchie bar for $2!!!!
As the locks were just the same we thought about going to a zoo further up the road but no buses came after an hour of waiting. We decided it was time to go home.
Parque National Metropolitano
After many hours of debate we decided we had to get a taxi to Parque National Metropolitano (PNM) as a bus would be too complex and it looked miles away from civilization. PNM supposedly had many monkeys and sloths and other animals to be seen. PNM is a big park on the outskirts of Panama City, known as “The Lungs of Panama City”.
We managed to get into the park as students without having to show any cards. There were many trails that all appeared to take 1 hour each. As we walked along the first one we realized the calculation of time and distance was based on Kulak funeral place and we made it around the 5 trails in half the time given at the Visitors Centre, and this included a lot of dallying and stopping to explain to each other how hot we were. We didn’t see any of the dynamic mammals but we were pleased to see an Owl Butterfly and promptly scared it away. Many lizards were heard scurrying away from our loud clomping stride and a few of the braver sorts were glimpsed. A snake (of some description) was seen slithering away. The highlight of the animalia around us was in scaring 2 lizards at a pond edge, which scampered across the top of the water to the other side, terrifying the small terrapins, which bobbed under the surface of a eutrophicated pond. It was a nice break from the traffic of Pan City and had a lovely view of the buildings and a bit of the Canal.
Shopping
Apparently Panama City is famed for its abundant and cheap shopping. We first discovered Avenida Central with many cheap dollar shops and electronic stores. We entered most of the shops to escape the unbearably oppressive heat and find Air Conditioning. The dollar shops became a fave for buying cheap toiletries and sniggering at the selling of Horse Shampoo with the words “Safe for Human Use” written on the front. This is certainly taking advantage of their lack of English. The bottle went on to explain that it “Enriched Hair for a Beautiful Mane and Tail”. Obviously a lot of sniggering took place upon each encounter with ´Horse Shampoo`.
Upon walking to Av. Central Lisa complained that her stomach was showing between her top and skirt. Charlie replied “ha ha, your stomach is revolting”, meaning it in the peasants way but it was too late, offense was taken.
Some of the clothes shops on Avenida Central sold underwear so Lisa decided to drag Charlie knicker shopping. A good time was had by all, kulak designs and styles were awful. So at least 4 pairs were bought. Knicker shopping was continued at the bigger shopping centre of Albrook, as the last laundry in Utila had eroded some of Lisa´s favourites.
The unfortunate thing about buying knickers, for Lisa, was that the sizes were all very small. The small size was about the size of a 10 year old child and so it follows that all the other sizes were not much bigger. At least this is Lisa’s defence. She had to buy XL :-(. She does wonder how some of the locals cope, because XL was the largest size and some of them were considerably Burger King larger with Muffin Tops! This is an unfortunate fate for all larger members of Panamanian society. A muffin top is forced upon them through a lack of decent sizes. Lisa thinks a size revolution is in order – Bring On Evans!!!! Charlie managed to embarrass himself by prodding a pair of knickers unfolded and displayed from Glynis´s favourite Rose knickers! Needless to say this rough fingering made them fall from their sticky tape display. A young female shop assistant was on hand to relieve Charlie of his predicament, so he shouted in her face: “Es Rompe” – Translated as – “It is break or tear!” Both of us then scrambled away between closely packed racks of underwear to freedom in the Cafeteria.
From the Café we observed lift kulaks cleaning the inside of the glass and descending on top of the lift in the shaft. More sniggering ensued. Once a coffee and juice had been devoured we looked around the homeware section of the shop. We found some comfy couches and practiced interviews for ´The Lisa Show`, drawing attention from the overemployed kulak masses. One kulak came to listen to the show. It was good to have feedback but we weren´t sure the true meaning of the interview was getting through. The close inspection of this kulak scared us so we fled homewares and escaped down the many escalators, as the kulaks had set up camp in the lift.
Albrook is a huge Shopping Complex nextdoor to the bus station. It was ultra-modern and had all the usual shops and food court. We spent hours in Albrook waiting to spend more hours in the airport. We shopped and shopped and purchased some hideous colours of nail varnish just to pass the time. Albrook was a pleasure and a pain but we weren’t sad to say goodbye.
Dining
The first night we ate at a relatively expensive restaurant which was empty apart from us. We soon discovered a Chinese buffet near our hotel that gave you huge platefuls of foods for 50p! Bargain!
Search For Contact Lenses
Charlie had noticed that his contact lenses were running low. We decided to visit the ministry of health to see if they could be purchased anywhere. We couldn’t locate it on the map so we asked some police for help. They didn’t know where it was either, so they radioed into HQ to find out. When they got their reply, instead of just giving us directions, they escorted us there (it was a good 15 minute walk!). We thought they might expect a tip, but they settled for a handshake and a grin. We were left stunned by their lack of corruption!
Charlie and Lisa find God(s)
We have both developed a fondness for the chicken buses in Central America and as a result, shun travel by taxi wherever possible. This often leads to hilarious mistakes involving free bus journeys, arriving at the wrong destination and having old people gabble at us while we stare blankly at them. All in all, we love buses, and the buses of Panama City are no exception.
One day we were returning from Albrook mall and hailed our usual bus home. Unfortunately, the bus driver had other ideas and we headed the wrong way out of Panama City. We gazed out at the unfamiliar surroundings and darkening sky. Lisa felt the onset of panic; Charlie just stared blankly ahead as usual. Eventually we returned to Albrook mall, having done a completely pointless circle. We stayed on the bus and it eventually took us home, albeit by a very indirect route.
Another day we decided to visit the Hindu and Ba´Hai temples Lonely Planet mentioned. We hopped on the bus looking out for these structures (one supposedly looked like an egg) perched on the hillsides. However, neither of them were spotted, so we ended up at the airport, where we hopped off anyway to check out where we would be spending the next night. We were very disappointed with what we found – see Quito entry for more details. On the way back from the airport, Charlie spotted the Ba´Hai temple perched on a hill. However, it was too far away to jump off the bus and walk to so we gave it up as a dead loss. Nonetheless, we also managed to spot the Hindu temple about 10 minutes later, and saw it was much closer to the bus route. We jumped off to explore. It was a steep trek to reach the temple, but once inside there was a nice cool breeze. We were a bit disappointed as it wasn’t as magnificent as LP suggested, but the Hindu god statues were being repainted at the time by a kulak with a paint-by-numbers set, so at least that gave us something to laugh at.
Final thoughts: Big city with good shopping but a bit smelly. Nice accommodation, though.
Mark out of 10 = 7
Next time... Quito
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