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So it was finally here; the day to leave Beijing behind and find out why I am really here. Unfortunately China is a tad bigger than England and we had to stomach a 17 hour train ride in order to continue upon our merry way. Bags in hand we hopped a bus to the station. It was an hour's ride. An hour I spent dreading carrying my bag onto the train, an hour spent dreading the sheer volume of people that would soon be pressed against me for the next 17 hours. In the two days to follow I learnt a valuable lesson.
China does not disappoint.
We strode of the coach so young and unprepared, I had a huge rucksack on my back with my coat folded through a strap clinging on for dear life. My Towel (for some reason it didn't fit in the suitcase) around my neck like some strange necklace and dragging behind me was my own body weight in 50 shades of grey (thanks guys). Two bottles of water in one hand and about 5 ltrs of kiwi juice in the other (a great buy! only £1) we were ready for the journey. We moved onto a security check point or some sort of awkward gate. My bags and oodels of other crap went through fine I (naturally) set of the metal detector and the guard looked at me with the sort of 'Now I could do my job or I could sit here and pretend to not notice' kind of look and let me through. Once I had re-equipped the traveller's garb (+10 map awareness, -5 dexterity) we began our assent up the escalator to the VIP lounge. In Chinese train stations the VIP lounge costs an extra 5Yuan (about 50p) and allows you to board the train before anyone else so it's normally a good idea. I had my ticket and went for an ice lolly (very important) and a subtle trip to the toilets.
If you know anything about Chinese toilets you are still not prepared. I would advise anyone who doesn't need/want to know best skips this paragraph, to all of you who keep reading allow me to divulge my most true account of what happened on the 29th August 2012 1:45pm.
I walked in and was instantly hit square in the face by what can only be described as the purest essence of toilet you could ever me. It was refined, upper-class and nearly thick enough to cut. It could have quite happily won the Olympic weight lifting it was that strong (TL;DR stronk). Being the sheer man-cake that I am I focused on the positive, that I didn't need to stay here for long. Into the darker comer of the room there was a line of cubicles and urinals on the opposite wall, urinals are faster I thought and strode up to the closest. The clear crystal light wafting through the exit was still viable and that thought alone made me feel safe. This was okay. I didn't dare look at the 'White' porcine (?) of the urinal I just went about it, slowly feeling the stench ebbing away at my very soul and dirtying me for years to come. But fond memories of clean toilets and loo-brushes back home helped me through. That was until 'it' happened. I thought I was alone in this dreary place, I had hoped I was the only one meant to withstand this like some sort of messiah dyeing on the cross to avenge toilets everywhere but, (mid strain) I hear a voice: 'Ni Hao!' it says cheerfully, 'Yo Englishee' it continues, I try to ignore it. 'wer yo goi now?' damn, a question there is no avoiding that. The sound of another strain echoes through my ears. This man is clearly enjoying his poo. 'errrr Lanzhou' I called back not wanting to look for him. I figured he must be in a cubical as I didn't notice him earlier, I pass a fleeting glimpse backward and pray just to see the cubical doors but, no. there are 5 stalls, 4 of which have the doors closed 1 is open, directly behind me. The man is there, squatting a look of pure anguishes upon his face, his eyes fixed directly at me. We lock eyes briefly. A mili-second would have been too long and this was longer. I grimace I snap back and focus on the now. I need to get out of here, but he keeps talking ' oh, s verrrry nice' he says 'how old yo' he says, I can't continue. I am blocked mid flow and I cannot continue. I wish that some ejector seat would remove me from this situation but, there is no hope. I can feel his eyes burning into my back his un-wavering gaze like some sort of basilisk ebbing into my consciousness. I cut my losses. And run.
Still wounded and with a look of fear emblazoned onto my face I stagger to the kiosk. (For those of you who missed the last part, that sentence sums it up) searching for the freshness of ice lollies. The green one seems good now, back home green is apple or lime in china it could be anything. With my pockets 1 Yuan lighter I unwrap what seems to be a lump of ice covered with a creamy layer of (hopefully) snow. It tastes like….. Nothing, but it helps me forget the injustice suffered at the hands of the toilet.
With little time to spare we are hurried towards the train, just 6 of us ahead of the crowd. Mike shares with me one last warning, 'be quick the VIP lounge will only buy you 3 minutes tops' dramatic, I think to myself and I hurry towards gate 5, as I swing my luggage onto the escalator I see what he means. A blur of people all under 5ft5 all with black hair merge into one deadly tsunami flying towards the stairs they must move at 90mph as that 3 minute head start I had is gone in a flash as I am washed away, half falling half climbing I travel down the stairs, it doesn't really matter where I want to go my life is in their hands. Carriage 5 nearly passes me by as I thrust myself in front of the ticket guard as he swaps my ticket for a strange piece of plastic I cannot see the rest of PT, I guess they have been washed away. And I head feeling slightly alone. Into carriage 5.
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