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I guess it has been a long time since I last blogged, but there has been soo much going on, and I have had a hard time putting my thoughts into words. My meeting with my birthmother, and her family has been a huge turnover in my life. It is hard to explain how you feel when you see your long lost birthmother for the first time, but I will try.
I will start from Maj 10, 2011
Arrived early at Norfil foundation, where my first meeting with my birthmother would be. In compare with the other times where I have approached Norfil, I have not had an appointment, but this time I was expected. Arriving at the lobby, nodding to the guard inside as a gesture of hello, I was shortly after, lightning my cigaret, to keep my nerves on hold, greated by a woman asking me to follow her upstairs. My heartbeat was raising higher and higher as I climbed the stairs to the meeting. I tried to keep my face calm when I walked into the appointed room, and when I looked inside it was empty. Only a few chairs, a table, shaded windows and an aircon machine. For some reason I thought she would be there, sitting and waiting for me. The chill of the aircon hit me as I sat down, speculating on what would happen now.
I do not think I had been sitting there a long time waiting for Marissa, my new contact at Norfil, but it felt like I was waiting for an eternity, and when Marissa finally arrived, with an unexpected guest, I was shocked.
She did not look like my mother at all... And she was not my mother, but a lady from ICAB, honestly cannot remember the name, think its something like, International Cooperation Adoption Board.
She was here to supervise and consult on the meeting, since what you normally do, when you look for a missing person, such as mothers, fathers, children in cases such as my adoption, you are supposed to contact ICAB, and not the organisation that actually made the adoption happen.
I was questioned in what my intentions with this meeting was. Like fx, did I have any knowledge about my mother before this meeting etc., and I was told guidelines on how to manage the first meeting and meetings made after the first. I felt like I was on trial, I had expected to be meeting my birthmother, and here I was, sitting in a room with this woman, being interogated, questioned, and told, things to do and not to at this meeting. I was told horror stories about first meetings gone bad, stories about meetings going good, as if I did not have enough on my mind already. But she ended it all saying, this is to ensure that the reunions goes well and both parts do not experience any bad things. She also told me that she had already had a meeting with my mother and her family who was sitting upstairs waiting for atleast one and half hour.
Okay so I guess its gonna be long and boring after all. I am so bad at this. But new thoughts keeps poping into my head as I am trying to write. Since it is over two weeks ago i met her and her family, I have had time to rethink how I was feeling that day, so I apologize for this being more like a diary than a blog.
I do not know how to explain how my meeting with her was. So many thoughts and feelings flying through your head at the same time, and you cannot find the right words you wanna say. It is like being at a final exam, speechless. Blood is flowing away from the brain, and for some reason your body temperature is rising as if you were sitting in a sauna. Every thought and idea that appears, vanish the moment you wanna say it. When you try to speak, your mouth seems dry, and your lips will not move.
But it is not a bad feeling you get, it is a feeling so rare and good, that nothing compares to it. And nothing in the world, even with the proper preparations, can help you muster the courage, to embrace the wave of emotions crushing down on you, or hardening your feelings at this particular moment. I could probably continue, painting you a picture of this experience, but what I am trying to say is that, it is an unexplainable, but good feeling.
She was speechless aswel, she did not know what to say. When she tried to speak, she started to cry instead. She just sat there looking at me, did not know where to put her hands. She tried to reseat herself constantly. I guess she was afraid to touch me, like as if I was a figure of her imagination, and touching me would make me disappear. Finally, I got myself together to approach her and hug her. As soon as we hugged she started to cry again. I do not know why, but I could not cry. After that, she wanted to hold me all the time. We sat again, and started to talk. Her english was not so good, so Norfil had to translate.
Okay so, it just occured to me that, if I am to tell you the whole story, I could go on and on forever trying to explain my feelings in every giving situation, so I am gonna try not to make it so detailed.
After we had been talking for a while, it came to my attention that the rest of family was sitting upstairs, and since they had arrived an hour earlier than me, I felt it was time to go upstairs and meet them. My head was already spinning as we got to the floor above. And entering the room there was four people waiting for me. It had never crossed my mind that her family wanted to meet me, so entering the room, them smiling, saying that they were so happy to see me, is impossible to explain. They greated, talked and treated me with so much respect I was taken off guard. I quickly found out that the eldest sister, Mitchelle, was very good at english, so she was the one making the conversation. We talked for a while, and I got introduced to all of them. After we got to know each I suggested, going somewhere else, so we went back to their place. You are probably thinking, hey that is a bad idea, but the Norfil already knew where they were living, and I had also been made sure that it would be "safe" for me to go with them.
You would not believe the place they are living in. Okay so they are poor, but my room back at my parents house is almost the same size as the area they are living in. It is like 3x5 meters, with a small attic above. Oh right they are living 5-6 people there. And that is with toilet and kitchen included. Also, the area they live in, is a slum. Poor people all around, garbage and litter on the streets. Was told it is dangerious to walk around their at night, but to be honest, people are as friendly as they would be any other place in Manila. People mind their own business unless there is an accident. Which, actually, I was witness to.
A motorcycle with three people was driving around 50-60 km/h, when suddenly the front wheel blocked. I witnessed as all of them got thrown into the air, one of the persons got the leg cut over, just under the knee. The lower part of the leg, tumbled a few meters along the street as the three bodies hit the ground all headfirst, not moving. Everything stopped. Two seconds of total silence, and then everybody started screaming. All traffic was on a hold as hordes of people ran to the rescue. I know I've been taught to go help, but first of all, i am a foreigner, so I should not really get involved unless I am the only one around, and I must admit I was shocked seeing everything at first hand. The Images of the persons flying through the air, the leg getting cut over, and the tree bodies lying on the ground, not moving, still haunts my memory when I think back of this time. Worst part was, at that time I was expecting to meet my sister who was getting picked up by her boyfriend. So I was thinking that it could have been her. My heart was pumping, and I tried to call her, but I couldnt get a hold on her. I do not know why, but I started move away from the accident, almost running, trying to call her, busy tone. As I arrived back infront of the hotel where we were planned to meet she just arrived. I was so reliefed when I saw her.
I know I should be telling you about the time ive spend with my mother and her family, but most of my time in Manila, have been with my oldest sister, who I can talk with. There is so many things I want to share with you, but I am not gonna do that, since I am not gonna break the family secrets here. What I can tell you is that they are a careing family, nothing but friendly to me so faar. The time ive been spending with the whole family has been on a few tours around in the sorounding area. Singing karaoke with all of them, went down to Luneta ( Rizal Park ) and enjoyed the park, we went to a zoo close by aswel, oh right... so when you think of a zoo you probably think of an animal, with alot of space to move around inside a cage. But this here was animals trapped in tiny cages where they barely have space to move. It was the first time my family had been there, so they were all excited, but to be honest I felt sick seeing the animals like this.
Okay, so I am getting a bit off subject all the time, but it is because it has been two weeks since i met my mother and her family, and there has been alot happening and I cannot remember everthing. I'll stop for now, and let you take this in, I got alot more on my mind, but I'll give it to you in pieces. And also, this is the first time, I have had time and energy to write. I'll try to give you more soon.
- comments
Diane This is so incredibly exciting to read! We want to know more and more and more! We want to know every single detail !
annelie thank you for sharing your life, mi hijo..er så rørt, mangler ord...take care, vaya con Dios...so you can come home safely :)
Paul Erilk Yes! Keep it coming, phantastic!
Jayson I guess I could make it more as a novel to make to make it readable.