DOS AND DON'TS OF THE TRANS SIBERIAN EXPRESS

When on a Russian train for 96 hours, do:

-bring loo roll

-practice your squatting (yeah, really) in advance to avoid muscle spasm

-bring 10xbaby wipes/day (x2 for men)

-remember - toilets are locked half an hour before an after a stop (which may itself be half an hour long) so plan drinking and toileting accordingly

-use crisp white bedsheets provided to host a toga party in your cabin (yes, you can fit at least 12, we've proved it)

-nick a duvet cover from your hostel to cover the crusty blankets and make everyone else jealous

DON'T:

- necessarily believe the carriage attendant when she says you have ten minutes before the train pulls off. she can't understand a word you're saying

-inhale when passing the locals' cabins - despite the fact you're en route to the world's deepest lake or whatever they don't seem to know what water is

-make friends with the kid next door and teach them English phrases; they will be shouted through your door for the next 4 days without relief

-forget to read your likely-to-be-banned-in-China books well before you cross the border. the 4 day lockdown is the perfect time.

-eat ice cream bought from warm buggies on the train platforms. Lesson learned.

-sleep on the bottom. Siberia is hot by day and bloody freezing by night!

-forget it's called the Vodka train... hurrah!