poorpɔː,pʊə/adjectiveadjective: poor; comparative adjective: poorer; superlative adjective: poorest1. lacking sufficient money to live at a standard considered comfortable or normal in a society.

Pretty sure, that's exactly what I am.

 As it happens, that dodgey, little cafe place didn't need me working there anymore... I was later told that the weird manager guy went on a 'firing rampage' and got rid of quite a few of the the people working there... So maybe that was a lucky escape after all? Pissed me off a bit, as I was relying on that dough... 
 
If you hadn't guessed already from the facebook posts... Both me and Moses now work for 'Aussie Farmers Direct'. That's right folks, we're door knockers. Door knockers, selling milky goods to the people of Melbourne. Those annoying b*****s who interrupt your dinner, a good film or a romantic moment with your spouse... Yep, that's us.

The guys at Aussie Farmers encourage their employees to get their mates involved, so Mo got on the case... Next thing I know, I'm sitting in the Aussie Farmers interview room with a cluster of other travellers. Canadians, Germans, Scottish folk... Mark Calvert was the dude running the joint. He brought in some of the Aussie Farmer products for us to try.Pretty, bloody good if you ask me. I was a fan of the banana bread. Mmm... Banana Bread...
Anyway! So, it wasn't really an interview at all. We were given a pan flip of 'Aussie Farmer' products. Turns out there's quite a lot to remember. Then we had a couple of training days to see how the job is done, and meet the other team members.

I walk in with Moses into a crowd of blue 'Milkmen' T-Shirts. It's so relaxed... the guys were playing ping pong, some were outside having a fag, and some red eyed hungover faces were speckled about the crowd too. 

I'm not gunna bore you with the job requirements... Basically encourage the Aussie folks to start using farmer products, sign them up... We get $20 for each sale (on top of our base pay). So the job is pretty cushty. First day was interesting. Was such a hot day... I got to my first door. The lady who opened it turned out to be a 'Quiz Fanatic'. 

"So where's the milk from?"

"Erm, Camperdown..."

"Is that near *blah blah blah*?" 

"Erm, ut, Erm... eh yeah? I don't rightly know... Can you tell I'm new?" 

After wasting precious minutes with this woman... She stood there and embraced my squirming. She enjoyed watching me stutter and cringe... Did this squinty eyed, Aussie bird sign up? Not a chance... Fan-bloody-tastic. Another lady laughed in my face when I told her I was a "Milk lady". There were some creepy ass houses in the area. I opened the gate to this one house, riddled with vines, dust and old wooden planks. The air immediately turned cold when I walked towards the door... The sun was gone... All my happy memories were buried under this dusty-as-f*** cockroach pit. 
So I thought to myself... 

"Nah, you're alright." And with that, I scurried out of the gate as quick as a sparrow's fart. 

So this is our occupation: DOOR KNOCKER

Haven't received a cream pie to the face, YET. Though, we did hit some dodgey turf the other day. Within 30 seconds of this kid, Stefan, hopping off our bus, he received a warm welcome from the folks in the area... 

A gentleman on the opposite side of the road to him, hollas:

"Don't you think about coming over here you dirty arse s*** c*** or I'll bash ya!" 

Strong words from a 'Bogan'... (Aussie version of a chav). 

That had everyone else on the bus in hysterics! No one has received a bish or 'bash' since the 90's. Would hate to be that kid. 

There are three bus loads of Aussie Farmer reps... Our bus is pretty decent. Lively bunch... Though one of the guys is just using that job as a cover up for his drug dealing past. The second day I met this guy, he brought in some lethal chilli vodka. Never tried anything so 'roof of the mouth rippingly hot'. I took, not even a lickfull, and it was unpleasantly smouldering my mouth... Provoked ALL THE HICCUPS!
Everyone who reps for Aussie Farmers, are European... Or 'BLOODY POMS' as some of the folks have branded us Brits. We're all in the same boat... saving up dough for either travel funds or flights home. 

I'm not sure what category we've fallen into yet? 

We've met a whole variety of people I never knew existed; Weird laughers, posh Aussie twits, nutty old people, troll families (who seemed to be unresponsive to anything I asked them... "How are ya doing? I'm Heather from Aussie Farmers, have you heard of us?" To which they responded: vacant expression, both eyes repelling against each other, like a couple of weird antimagnetic balls)... Reminded me of the troll in the Hobbit - "Look what's come out me hoota!!" Oh and of course, ladies with fine wine knowledge... Which obviously came in handy on Friday... My last sale to end a crappy day, had it's perks! A lady named Mandy invited me in. She was home with her son, whilst they were planning a big, 50th party. We sat down, she placed a decent order!! Whilst nattering, she asked if I'd like a glass of wine... Be rude not to wash the door knocking sorrows away, wouldn't it?... So a glass turned into a bottle... And before I knew it... Lewis (team leader) texted asking for our locations... Ruined my fun... Though, Mandy sorted my pre drinks out for our Friday night boozie down the pub with the others! (We got ever so drunk... My word) 

I hop back on the bus (slightly pissed, which Moses picked up on straight away)... Everyone had a pretty crappy day, and smelling my red wine fumes, probably didn't help their moods. I tried to sit quiet, but that just wasn't going to happen... My organs had absorbed too much grape juice already. So I jabbered... 
 
We waddled straight to the pub to sprinkle some joy on the day. The pub was jam packed with Aussie Farmers reps, Peppered with BEER JUGS. I learned how to drink beer. But my body didn't know what to do with the fermented grape and yeast soup that was lying in my stomach... Which resulted in massive headache the next morning... Surprise, surprise.
Moses got to the 'I can't even walk stage', and the last memory he has is being slumped on the floor inside a 7/11 convenience store, and me feeding him ice cream. 

What an attractive couple of people. 

So that's our current situation, walking, talking to weird people all week, then getting boozed up on a Friday. We've also been given some gifts! 

Moses got given a Zucchini (giant courgette) by an old couple. I was given some pots of chilli dips and marinades from this guy, Butler (the ex drug dealer, who now owns his own chilli company on top of the Aussie Farmers job... They tasted bloody delicious!) a banana, museli bar and a portable speaker, and some dinner today...No wine though, which I was hoping for. 

If we get anything out of this job it's, being able to read a map properly, gifts, knowledge from the locals, character building, possible tan? And certainly TOUGHER SKIN. You can't have a soft heart in this job, else you'll get squished like a friggin marshmallow. 

We're supposed to check out tomorrow morning... before work... But we have nowhere to go?! So we're a tiny bit screwed because we can't yet afford a bond payment for a share house until payday... This will work out cheaper than the hostels... ($150 per week instead of $200+)... Apparently we can stay in the Aussie Farmer bus, if need be. So that's what we've got to look forward to. Oh how utterly FUN! :) smiley faces all day everyday :) hehe-f***ing-he! 

Keep you updated goofers.