I've been having complaints about the blog... Lack of pictures and being 'non existent' in this moment in time... I'll tell you why that is, let you into a little secret... It's because I value your time, and the reason why you were put on this earth... And that reason is NOT to sit there and read endless paragraphs about how the team 'Mo & Hev' are crumbling, away... 

 We are WEAK to the walls of financial crisis... Poor, very little money... Pond Scum. The crusty, dog s*** on the bottom of your 2008 Timberland boot is richer than we are right now. Probably has a richer flavour too... Don't try it. 

So my friends and family... I regret to tell you that we are in fact... Not coming home... But seeking the seediest, backpacker jobs known to man. We've failed miserably, trying to find fruit picking jobs. They're either; in the middle of the OUTBACK (where we cannot reach it unless we have a fat, unstoppable jeep), cheeky fruit farms who don't pay you a penny, fake sites, or... they expect you to pay for the privilege of signing up as a 'fruit picking member'. 

WHAT DO WE HAVE TO DO, TO DO A HARD DAYS WORK FOR MINIMUM WAGE???!!! (Hehe, to do, to do...) 

I'll interrupt this blog, to confess something... I'm currently scrounging off the City Library internet. Some absolute genius is plinking away at the piano... Tapping out some FINE ASS TUNES - 'Imagine'... Some others... then they played a tune that Hannah used to play. I don't know what it's called?! Pretty sure it's the 'soppy plonk' from 'Twilight'... the first one? Where Edward shows his room... Anyway... I'm no Twilight fan, but I'm a massive fan of that tune... Definitely choked me didn't it? Gave me the 'bubble eye line'. I'm sure you girls know what I'm on about (can't imagine you blokes getting choked about a piece of music...)... You know when you feel your tear sack fill up at the bottom of your eye... it only takes ONE SINGLE BLINK, and that's it... The whole world knows you're crying. Yeah, that just happened to me... What a p****

 Cheers Hannah. 

Cough, erh... Yeah, anyway, I'm tough as nails... Could beat you in a fight... On other matters, Moses is now a Milkman. A sodding Milkman. He has the best uniform I've ever seen. If Milkmen had a football team, this would be the shirt. Blue and white polo shirt, with 'Milkman' written on the back. I creased up when he showed me. But yeah, the pay seems alright, and he gets commission. Might have to ask him to sort me out a job... After my failure to complete an interview for a gym job... Ah yes, if you're wondering, despite me leaving a hideous voice mail message (the 'erms'... So many 'erms') 'Michelle' from the RIGHT Contours Fitness, didn't get back to me. I'm not surprised, not one bit. 
I tried searching for more gym work... Nothing (unless I wanna travel miles away from the city again...). I've also tried bar work (which you need an RSA for... $$$) , waitressing (most places expect you to have a valid Barista qualification... $$$) retail (expect you to work for 2 years) charities... Heard nothing yet. 

FAIL. 

A certain sister of mine ran up some contacts for me... Who I contacted :) and then 'they' gave me a contact... "Itsa-biga-spaghettia-of-contactsa!" (That was my written impression of an Italian chef...) Oh God, this is why I need a job. Who has the time to do that? I had to think for a good few minutes about how you would prenounce... ANYWAY. So now I've applied for more jobs. School jobs. It didn't even occur to me to apply at schools here! I just assumed they wouldn't employ someone who's here on a 'Working Holiday Visa'... But it just so happens, that was one of the tick boxes for the application. Isn't that delightful? Another thrilling piece of information I've shared with you there... 
 
My word, I've gotten boring. 

I'll tell you what isn't boring... ULURU! Which I will be saving up hard dough for once I've got a job. Which I kinda have already... And before you start! It's not a seedy, topless hostessing job (which have coincidentally fallen into my online job search).
Fran, is an English bird who flew into my poor nest... and helped me. She's contacted her boss, and asked if I could replace her once she's left Melbourne. What a gem. 

Had my trial this morning... It's in a Cafe situated between fancy offices along St Kilda Road. They had a special coffee lady making the drinks and chefs making the hot food... So all I had to do was take orders, clean tables and make sandwiches. MAKE SANDWICHES. 
The only sandwich making I've done recently, is making Moses a chocolate spread sandwich every morning for his breakfast (using the free brekkie stash). 
I've got nothing against making sandwiches. Sandwiches are nice, fluffy things, filled with joy... and chicken, and avocado, and grated carrots, and spinach, and tomato and mayonnaise and lettuce and... CHRIST LADY! 
 
Picture this; a silly, blonde English tart, looking puzzled with a hint of gorm to her facial expression... in a 'goldfish bowl' type of arena, with a sea of sandwich ingredients and office workers glaring through the glass , whilst they stand there pointing at their desired sandwich goods. 
It was obvious it was my first time at making a sandwich in front of an audience... And it was obvious that I was trying to get all 'Subway' on the situation and cram in as much filling as I could (after scrutinizing the other 'Sandwich Maker's' technique). This lady's eyes widened as she looked down at her sandwich, which had transformed into 'Mount Carrot'. The other girls standing around me even paused what they were doing to have a look... Spinach was dropping everywhere... 

I thought I'd be witty... "As you can see, I'm the most professional sandwich maker...." whilst saving the tumbling spinach, falling down the carrot mountain.

The lady laughed... I QUOTE: "Dinner and a show!" 

Oh f***ing hell... I thought travelling was supposed to help you 'better yourself'?!... Not turn you into the laughing stock of St Kilda Road, Melbourne. Imagine what they're all saying when they sit back in their fancy offices...

"That poor sandwich girl, she barely knows how to lay down the chicken... "

"Oh! It was awful! Her carrot sprinkling skills... And did you see how she squeezed the mayo? So farty..."

After the quickest 2 and a half hours of my life... I'm covered in crumbs and white powder from the gloves... the bossman approaches me... 

"You can head off now Heather. Unless you have any questions... "

"I guess, it just takes time to get used to doesn't it?" 

"You're alright... Wanna come back tomorrow, 11am?" 

I was a little bit shocked... After me dropping half his sales produce on the floor, and feeding the customers rabbit food sandwiches... 

So, looks like I've landed myself a position as a comedian sandwich maker... Whoopie s***. Aren't you proud of what I've become? 

I've said the word 'sandwich' too many times, and now it sounds weird. 

On more entertaining matters, me, Moses and Fran (the English bird) decided to see off the last of the boxed wine, a crate of bourbon & colas and play a crappy card game. I'd bought some 'Valentines - Get to know you Cards' as a $3 joke gift to Moses (I needed to round my shopping total to $10 to use the card machine). They were dire... But they sparked up a few conversations between us. Halfway through the game, we're interrupted by an Aussie stag do. These fellas roll in, they all must've been around 40-50 (dad age)...
 
"Oi mate, are we getting that stripper?" 

 I assumed there was some kind of 'Gangster Mob Spoof' theme going on... Nope, they just had an appetite for poor dress attire. Pink ties and grey pinstripe suits... 

So they wedge their noses into our happy, little conversation card game. I sunk into my seat a tiny bit when they started reading them out loud. Whoever sat there and thought up these questions, should invest in some therapy classes... 

"What is your favourite flower, and why?" 

f*** me... (shake the head)... If I had a dollar for every time I shook my head, I'd be able to buy a nice meal tonight. 

So these chaps decided to wiggle in on our night... Turned out to be quite entertaining. Fran ended up doing a runner... escaped the room... (think they were irritating her a bit)... Which meant they had more booze to offer me and Moses. Handy! 

They kept bleating on about getting a stripper... In between teaching me how to juggle, giving us job hunting tips, and playing that sodding card game... 

"Do you believe in reincarnation? If yes, what would you come back as?" (The stag in his Aussie accent...) 

His Irish mate pipes up... "A breast feeding infant!" 

That tickled Moses and I, very much indeed.

The night resulted in us doing a 'Fran' and escaping... We escaped to the shop... And for the first time ever, me and Moses decided to try chilli jerky. 

It was a random night, to say the least... Finding a bra on the pathway to the shop... Juggling, eating jerky... talking about marriage...

Another evening me and Moses decided to go to one of the huge parks next to where we were staying, and watch a film. Little did we know, we were going to receive some free entertainment whilst we were there. A guy walked past us, holding a foam sword, and a weapon holder was wrapped around his leg. Our famous 'side ways glance' took over mine and Mo's faces...
We turn around after hearing a battle cry, to see a whole army of nerds playing sword fights. I was creasing up (almost as much as when I saw Moses work uniform). They proper went for it! Running full pelt at each other with these plastic guns and wooden swords! I was rolling with laughter. Moses was disgusted. These guys (and girls) were old enough to drink! And here they are, f***ing about playing sword fights in the middle of a park. It was so funny. If any of you have seen the film 'Role Models' this was the exact scene, when Augie fights King Argotron. They all had their individual characters. there was a green man, some little Chinese dude who kept jumping around, a chubby Axeman, a King... they had helmets and everything!

I've forgotten to mention some vital job hunting antics! Ready for this? Listen up TOON SQUAD... Because this hefty chunk of advice could help you one day...
A friendly lass in a retail shop gave me some inside knowledge... Apparently 'American Apparel' hire backpackers! So I pop online... Write out an arse licking cover letter and attach my C.V. At the bottom of the application, they ask: 'Please attach 3 pictures which demonstrate your style and the way you present yourself'... Have a scramble on Facebook, pick out three pictures. Making sure I dodged the ones of me being a pillock (THERE ARE MANY)... Or getting drunk on the beach...
I picked two decent ones of me sober, and smiley. My third one... Oh dear. I'm not sure what I was thinking when I sent this... But I decided to send a picture of me on a rocking horse. I SENT HR- AMERICAN APPAREL A PICTURE OF ME ON A BLOODY ROCKING HORSE.

Please read below: And LEARN FROM MY MISTAKES.

Heather Cogger
2/24, 1:50pm Moses Hutchinson haha you haven't sent them that one
2/24, 1:50pm Heather Cogger yep
2/24, 1:50pm Moses Hutchinson lunatic
2/24, 1:50pm Heather Cogger riding a pony hahaha
2/24, 1:51pm Moses Hutchinson that's cracked me up why none of the ones you've had as profile pictures? f***ing pony ride
2/24, 1:52pm Heather Cogger That was my profile picture I have none that are normal
2/24, 1:53pm Moses Hutchinson you do
2/24, 1:53pm Heather Cogger Oh I've gone and f***ing sent it now...
Moses Hutchinson oh no
2/24, 1:56pm Heather Cogger... I present myself on a f***ing wooden horse I'm almost crying laughing here
2/24, 1:56pm Moses Hutchinson Yep no employee discount for that watch holy f*** why would you do that?i am crying
2/24, 1:56pm Heather Cogger with laughter?
2/24, 1:57pm Heather Cogger Or the fact that you won't receive any employee discount
2/24, 1:57pm Moses Hutchinson should have sent that of you grinding that kangaroo statue
2/24, 1:57pm Heather Cogger oh f***ing hell
2/24, 1:58pm Moses Hutchinson they wanted to see what nice clothes you wear and your on a rocking horse