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saturday 20/08/2011
The bus ride was f***en awful,bumpy as f*** and crawling with stinky little mexican kids, so the lads were a bit sleep deprived when they hit playa del carmen early in the morning. It was too early to get a room at the hostel and check the insides of the eyelids, so it was a waddle around the town to do a bit of a reccy for the upcoming evening. The place was fairly americanised, a bit like cancun apparently, word on the street was it was a pretty sick place to get loose. after organising a massive days snorkelling trip for the monday, it was back to the hostel for a couple hours kip. Things were looking pretty f***en tranquil when the boys headed up to the hostels roof-top bar to hook into a few cold bevvys. however, the vibe of the bar did a colossal 180 at ten oclock, when about 30 girls turned up for free drinks from 10-11. the hostel must have had a zero tolerance on admitting pig-dogs because every girl in the joint was jaw-droppingly smoking. the boys had honestly never seen anything like it at a hostel on their travels, so naturally the funnel was introduced to loosen a few lips. the boys also had their first taste of the devils dandruff for the trip, courtesy of an australian joker who hung out with the boys all night. The boys were getting on pretty well with four ozzy birds who they had coincidentally met previously in Oaxaca, and ended up heading to a nightclub with them and the rest of the hostel. The hostel had jacked up a deal at this nightclub- 350 pesos for all you can drink which was right up the lads alley. the nightclub was f***en ridiculous, right on the beach and the boys decided it was one of the best clubs they had ever been to. they also couldnt believe their luck that these four hot ozzy birds were actually talking to them, and were not in the least bit intimidated by the lads s*** s*** drinking antics. Heading home with the girls, via a bottle store to purchase some creepy booze, it was apparent that "bad eddy" was out again having taken full advantage of the open bar. He was having a small amount of trouble creating legible conversation and it was looking like lock-up time when he flopped his woozer out on the street for an ultra-inconspicuous piss. However the lads made it back to the hostel safely with girls and bottle of vodka in tow, and proceeded to try their luck in the roof top swimming pool. To be perfectly francis, it was barely a f***en swimming pool being a foot and a half deep at the very most, but this didnt stop balf from doing some s*** belly flops into it. What happened next is possibly one the most retarded actions ever witnessed on the piss-As balf is standing in the pool with water not even up to his knees,eddy stands on the side of the pool and swallow-dives in head first, smashes his head on the bottom of the paddling pool, and comes up grinning and covered in claret. The girls were understandably a little shocked, Balf and Gus were goofing off, and eddy began traipsing blood through the entire hostel. A hostel worker called an ambulance but eduardo was f***en having none of it, instead choosing to lurk in a bathroom that was fast resembling a scene from a snuff movie. once the ambulance had b*****ed off, the girls convinced eddy that he should maybe get a taxi to the hospital, while good c*** Balf and Gus cut their losses and went and hit the hay. humpty dumpty then spent the rest of his night at a second rate mexican veterinary surgery getting his noggin put back together by Dr.Riviera.The hospital sounded like a fairly professional outfit-two separate doctors giving conflicting advice on eddies sore neck, while sitting at a computer on facebook. Eddy finally made it back to the hostel at 630 in the morning after walking home for an hour, having no dinero for a taxi after giving it all to the doctors.
sunday 21/08/2011
The boys were awoken in the morning by a different set of friendly ozzy girls who had freshly checked in, and also the cleaner w**** who was demanding a few pesos from eddy for cleaning up his blood from 3 floors of hostel. Balf on the top bunk above eddy had also just had his recurring dream where he is a fireman and puts out bed fires. Eddy was pretty f***en famous at the hostel by now, he was getting sympathy from b****es all over the show-chicks dig scars. A pretty cruisy day was had by the trio, two massive feeds of chinese (harper you would have been a pig in s***, you too wang), a swim/perve down at the beach, and the standard grandad nap in the afternoon to recharge the batteries for some more liver hammering. The purpose of organising the snorkel trip for the monday was that we would not be hungover and would appreciate it more, but after the awesome previous night it was going to be disgustingly rude and highly offensive to not put the hammer through the floor again. Eddy understanderably wasnt feeling too sharp so gus and balf permitted him to hit the sack early, then set about claiming some more female victims for the funnel on the roof top bar. It was the same deal again, at ten oclock all the girls start getting drinks for free, and the sensual ladies by far outnumbered the males. The four australian lady friends were out again and were talking to gus and balf, which even they found a bit strange, and it was about this stage that balf and gus decided that maybe they should try a slightly different angle-stay relatively sober boys, act normal and you may find yourself balls deep! However, it was the same deal as the night before- an open bar at a different sick nightclub, this time at the obscenely low price of 250 pesos. Gus and balf couldnt f***en help themselves, and they tore that open bar a brand spanking new a*******, making short work of some unnecessary tequila shots and vodka mixers. Funnily enough the ozzy girls were on the same wavelength, they were getting sideways in a similiar fashion and didnt seem put off at all. in fact, they were f***en embracing the chain-smoking, drink eating, ice-throwing, gingermanginering pot-hole kiwis and gus and balf were genuinely shocked when all four of them agreed to head down to the beach and go for a pissed as f*** swim. I dont think any reader will actually believe this-gus and balf still dont-but all four ladies were hot as f*** and got down to their skids with the lads and started frolicking in the carribean. It wasnt long before Balfs extremely acute sense of sight spotted a moored vessel in swimming distance that was in dire need of a captain. Captain Ray-ray and first mate Master Semen Ormsby clambered aboard with two pirated ladies in tow (one clad only in a crack-eating g-string), and started searching for keys for the necessary trip to Cuba. It was a lost cause in the finish as the keys couldnt be found, and without second mate richard scott in the picture this boat was never going to be hot-wired. In a burst of drunken ginger frustration, Captain Ray picked up the anchor that had no chain attached and hurled the c*** in the sea. Heading back to the beach to whack some clothes on, it was odds on for balf and gus as the girls were keen to go back to the hostel with them. apparently there is this super homosexual phenomenon known as karma-while everyone was out swimming some greasy little s*** stain streak of piss had stolen balfs wallet from his pants which had all his cards licenses and cash in it. Balf was to find out later that 1500 dollars worth of s*** mexican jewellery was purchased with the card in some other mexican town. Anyway, it was back to the hostel dark as f*** to snatch a couple of hours sleep before a big day of snorkelling.
monday 22/08/2011
The lads somehow managed to make it to the meeting point at 745 in the morning to catch the snorkelling tour. Straight away the guide knew they were hungover as f***, could have had something to do with the boys passing out as they stepped inside the van door. however the lads enthusiasm for the day couldnt be dampened, the prospect of some outrageous snorkelling in three different places was very exciting indeed. the first place was advertised as the worlds largest natural aquarium, not sure if this was exactly true, but it was a sick lagoon full of f***loads of fish and coral and s*** and a couple of rays.unfortunately there was no turtles or sharks to rak up, apparently the rain over the last couple of days had put them off. there was however a couple of bikini-clad females on the tour who looked good underwater, including a lesquecia lookalike. The next stop on the snorkel tour was a lake in the jungle that had heaps of crazy little fish charging round, but also a zip wire into the water and a 3 metre diving platform to perform some mangeres off. gus and balf did some gay style moves together off the zipwire, including one which can only be described as the "scissors". The last stop on the tour was snorkelling through this underground cave system which was f***en amazing.the water was ridiculously clear and you could snorkel into little caves and around stalacmites, including one shaped like a c*** and balls which generated a wee chuckle. after a buffet feed inclusive of the tour, it was back to the hostel where the lads decided check in for another night and get drunk with the ozzy girls again. A nap was on the cards if the lads were to muster the energy to get upside down again, so it was off to the scratcher to pull some Zs. It was much of the same again on the roof top bar, wall-to-wall friendly clunge, and at least 15 people seeing the light and indulging in a few funnels. One particular limp-wristed ozzy flamer point blank refused to have a funnel, and was a mickey whisker away from receiving a "Zidane Special", as he got borderline abusive with the lads. The plan for the evening was to head to the famous coco bongo bar which had a pricier open bar at 500 pesos, but apparently the entertainment was meant to be something quite spectacular. It was a bit of a labrynth getting into the bar, which opened into this raucous semi stadium setup that had a big stage up the front with dancers. acrobats were jumping out of the ceiling on curtains and balloons and confetti kept blasting from somewhere. there was probably about a thousand people packed in there, chicks dancing all over the circular bar in the middle and the drinks were flowing. Its pretty hard to describe in words how f***en awesome the club was so heres a link for those interested. http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=0yzYYDknH8I. Anyway gus had managed to find himself on the bar dancing with one of the aussie girls, it was looking more than a little immasculine but this time eddy and balf left him to it.eddy seemed to be getting on alright with another ozzy girl himself, that was until she playfully slapped him and he punched her in the nose!At some stage during the proceedings eddy thought it would be clever to grab one of the curtains that one of the acrobats was hanging off and give it a wee shake to keep the joker on his toes. balfs night was cut reasonably short when he started spitting about 15 litres of stomach bile through the toilets and was forced to stumble home. memories are hazy as f*** at this stage but eddy most likely followed suit soon after by himself, and gus waddled down the beach with his aussie babe for a swim, which was starting to become a bit of a tactic. This time it seemed to have done the trick for blaze as he found a boat to take his bird out to and make a mess of himself.
tuesday 23/08/2011
the next morning eddy was still hammered drunk having to get up early to go back to the hospital to get his neck x-rayed. Some clever b****** had lit a small campfire in eddys bed at some stage during the night, but some quick thinking by eddy meant it was dowsed efficiently before any major damage was done to the mattress. Gus was a pretty happy chappy as he f***en should be, as that was his third girl of the trip, punching well below his usual weight range. The pressure was now on for balf and eddy who havent got within a barge pole of any girls the whole trip. Perhaps its time to get a bit more creepy. The boys had a flight out of cancun that afternoon to panama so into the taxi it was to the airport via a walmart so that eddy could buy a sexy neck brace. gorgeous george was less than chuffed with gus and balfs witty comments towards his brand new form of p**** repellent, but who knows maybe the ladies will flock to the neck brace with sympathy. They touched down in panama city at 830 at night, got ripped off by a lead deficient taxi driver, checked into a hostel owned by turd-burglers, and had a quiet one to recover from the last 3 days in mexico.
wednesday 24/08/2011
The boys were only spending a day in panama as it was effectively only an extended stopover for the flight to Lima.They came up with a f***en ingenious plan of hiring a car to explore the city and then drop it off at the airport that evening which would stop cumguzzling taxi drivers from ripping them off. After a bit of f***ing about, Panamas national car rental company blew out and handed over the keys to a brand new car. Gus was first up behind the wheel and was having a bit of trouble with the left hand drive and casually took out a road barrier. What gus wasnt having trouble with though was getting the vehicle up to 6 thousand revs in the middle of panama city and dropping the clutch.first stop of the day was the panama canal where the lads watched a shipping container make its way through.the ship was f***en massive and the canal was as tight as a nuns nasty, so the whole procedure was fairly impressive to watch-some pretty cool snaps taken. from there is was a drive out to some islands joined to the city by a bridge that were apparently meant to be really nice. They probably would have been, but the weather was f***en s*** so the boys just kept giving the car a*******s and drove into the old part of the city to check it out. They accidentally took a couple of wrong turns and ended up in a dodgy part of town, where gus started to make whimpering noises and mud up the passenger seat.things were looking pretty bad down a slow narrow road when a rather dark looking bloke walked out in front of the car with what looked like a gun in his hand. Not wanting to tar up the bonnet, balf skirted the c*** and got the f*** out there. running out of time before that evenings flight, the boys headed on out to the airport, darting up a storm in the rental. A cheeky wee 3 hour flight onto Lima, Peru, where the boys landed at midnight and attempted to sleep in the airport chapel with the big fella looking over them. Anti-christian bed-time jokes may have had something to do with the boys being kicked out of there and sleeping in the ponchos in a corridor.
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